Sink or Swim
by sniperrifle001
Summary: Dan has just graduated from NYU and with Inside selling out across the nation he plans to head out to LA to add an additional chapter. But Dan leaving New York has left Serena with some conflicted feelings.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Spur of the moment thing. I haven't even read it through so I'm sorry if this story doesn't make any sense lol. Just in case, this takes place two years from now, after Dan has just graduated and Serena has one year left. lol Tell me if the story makes any sense or is any good. I'm not sure if this is going to be a one shot or if I want to continue it.

_To say it was all consuming would be wildly inaccurate. It wasn't that I felt the same way about her after all these years and everything that happened. It was that I couldn't change how I felt. There were 8 million people living in this small patch of land called New York and in all of this 8 million people I only wanted one. And I don't think you realize what that means. That's 10 times more people than you'll ever meet in your life time. That's everyone you know, that's everyone you've ever loved, cared for, trusted, betrayed, betrayed you, laughed at one of your jokes, smiled at you, or just had a conversation. And to me, she was all that… in one._

_The worst part is, I had my chance. I had several and as hard as I tried I wasn't strong enough for her. I couldn't be the man that she needed. I wasn't meant for her but I know in my heart that she was meant for me. Destiny is a cruel master. So that's it… that's—_

A deep sigh came out of his mouth as his words just stopped. _This is garbage_, he thought to himself. He closed his eyes and rubbed them. Part of him wanted to believe that the moment he reopens his eyes, the epilogue would be complete. He opened his eyes, yet it was the same as before. He just sat there, the laptop sitting in front of him, mocking him. Ctrl+S. _I'll finish it later_, he thought to himself.

Just he closed the document the sound of heels triggered Dan's attention. He looked over from the dining table to find Serena walking in. He quickly closed the lid and greeted her as to turn her attention from his computer.

"Hey Serena, what are you doing here?" Dan said casually, as he always did.

"My mom lives here, what are you doing here?" Serena replied with a question of her own.

"I was looking for my dad. I wanted to say goodbye to him and Lily before I left for LA this afternoon." Dan replied. "I have a meeting with my publisher."

"Wow." Serena said in her usual impressed voice. "So what's next for the great Dan Humphrey? A sequel to Inside?"

"Well… Nah, actually I was just working on something." Dan replied. "My publisher wants me to write an epilogue to Inside for the two year anniversary edition."

"Sounds amazing." Serena replied.

"Yeah, yeah, it would be… if I could write the damn thing." Dan said with a sigh of defeat.

"Wait, I thought Inside already had an epilogue." Serena inquired.

"Oh, so you did read it." Dan teased.

"You know I've read everything you've ever written." Serena said.

"Yeah, I know. And let me tell you that I really appreciate it. Other than Vanessa, I've never really let anyone read my drafts before." Dan said absent mindedly.

"So why are you writing this second epilogue?" Serena asked. "Something the publisher wanted?"

"Well… it's been two years and Vanessa basically stole the manuscript from out under my nose." Dan stopped for a second and looked directly into Serena's eyes. "It just wasn't done. I didn't get to finish it the way I wanted to. Besides, it's been two years. I just graduated. This chapter of my life is closed. And I think… the book deserves a proper ending."

There was a long pause between them.

"Who knows, maybe I just needed the closure." Dan said with a bit of frustration in his voice. "Things are… different now, now that…"

"What?" Serena asked earnestly.

"Nothing. They are just different. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. Anyways, I gotta get going. I have a flight to catch. Tell my dad and Lily that I came by and that I'll send for my stuff." Dan said as he stood up and grabbed his bag.

"Your stuff? Where are you going?" Serena asked.

"To LA…" Dan replied confused.

"Yeah, but I thought that was just to meet with your publisher. Why do you need your stuff?" Serena asked.

Dan paused for a moment. "I'm moving there. It's closer to my publisher, I've got a bunch of contacts out there and meeting with them over Skype just isn't the same as sitting down and having a proper—"

"Wait, what about Rufus, how does he feel about this?" Serena cut him off.

"He's happy about it, he's coming out to visit me next week." Dan replied.

"What about Jenny and Eric?" Serena kept asking.

"They're in college… Serena what's this about?" Dan asked.

Serena looked away as she always did in hard situations. She was never good at dealing with unexpected turn of events.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Serena asked.

"Tell you? I did tell you. I've been out there for the last week. I just came back to tie up some loose ends here. You know—"

Serena interrupted again. "Yeah, but I thought that was just a business trip. I didn't think you were…"

"Serena, is there something you want to say to me?" Dan asked.

There was another pause. Serena slowly turned her head away trying not to seem upset. And indeed she wasn't exactly upset, she was just caught off guard. She didn't realize how this news was going to affect her. She didn't want to ask him to stay, no, that would be too much. And she wanted most of all for him to be happy and fulfilled and what circumstance initially brought his book to be published, everything turned out well in the end for him. And who was she to ask him not to be happy?

"Serena?" Dan said again.

Dan sighed and grabbed her hand. Her eyes immediately darted and stared right into his, almost as if it was the first time.

"I'll be back for your graduation." Dan said. "I wouldn't miss it for the world." He smiled at her.

She knew that she needed to respond with a smile and quick. But it was just hard for her. They hadn't been together in 4 years and she didn't even really know how she felt about him. She had treated him so unfairly in the past, she just couldn't ask him to sacrifice anything more on behalf of her. So with that pressed to the front of her thought process she mustered up a smile.

Dan then kissed her gently on the forehead and left. She stood there, completely silent and motionless for what seemed like an eternity. Finally her strength gave way and she collapsed onto the chair that Dan had been sitting at at the dinner table. She put her hand on the cool glass surface, she flattened her hand onto the glass and let the cold of the glass emanate and cool her hand. But there was a certain heat that grazed across her hand. It wasn't the glass. It was the fan of the laptop that Dan had left behind.

She sat there, staring at it, thinking about him. For whatever reason, completely unknown to her, she opened the lid of the laptop. The screen booted up and an image of Hemmingway greeted her. _Oh Dan_, she thought, he was so predictable. Her first inclination was to turn off the computer and try to catch up to him to return it. But then she remembered that he was in the middle of writing something. He opened up the Recently Opened Documents folder and found a file called .

She opened it.

He had just reached his gate when he realized that he forgot the laptop at the penthouse. _Fuck_, he thought to himself. He reached for his cellphone and dialed the penthouse number. It rang and it continued to ring until that annoying voicemail message came up. He hit end as fast as he could. He couldn't tolerate that annoying message Rufus and Lily made the whole family record. Dan thought for a second. Eric was in South Africa for an exchange program, and Jenny was probably still at work. He then quickly dialed Serena, _please still be there_, he thought to himself.

There was a ring, then another, then another. But the third one was different. It wasn't coming from the earpiece. It was… here, in the airport. He turned his head and there she was standing there, like the first time he laid eyes on her. She had that signature Serena expression on her face. In one hand she held her phone as it rang. He just looked at her without saying a single word. She replied to his silence in kind. She dropped her phone into her coat pocket. She slowly approached him. Their eyes locked yet neither of them could muster up a single word to say.

She handed him his laptop.

"Thank you!" Dan finally managed to say, relieved that he wasn't going to miss his flight.

But as her hand retracted from the laptop it grazed his. Electricity shot through his entire being and his eyes immediately locked onto hers again. And it was at that exact moment, that look in her eye, he knew… that she had read it.

A kiss. A passionate all-consuming kiss landed right on his lips. Gently, soft, and warm, as he had only faint memories of in his dreams, now all reignited, all-powerful and uncontrollable. Her arms embraced him around his neck, her eyes closed as if she wanted to be dreaming. Without words, without need for words, she acted in the blind hope that he would understand all that she wanted him to know but just couldn't say. She wasn't great with words, but even he understood that some things just couldn't be said. _This_ couldn't be said.

She took her time, she felt his lips and the memories came rushing back and she let them linger in her mind. She was scared. She knew she had screwed up, she had treated Dan terribly in the last few years, she wasn't afraid of what Dan was going say, she knew what Dan was going to say. She was afraid of what she was going to do to him. She didn't want to hurt him anymore. She was afraid of herself.

"Don't go." She whispered in her softest most delicate voice.

"Don't go." She softly repeated.

"You read it…" Dan said.

"Dan…" She said in her a concerned voice. "You can't… you can't just write these things about me and not expect me to react. What was your plan, if you ran away to LA that I wouldn't confront you? Dan. You can't just write this amazing love letter to me and expect me to…"

"What?" Dan asked.

"to… to not love you." Serena answered.

"I… I've never asked you to love me Serena." Dan replied.

"Why not?" Serena asked. "Why haven't you? I would've said yes, I would've always said yes. You know this."

"I do." Dan confirmed.

"Then why?" Serena asked with tears in her eyes.

Dan paused for a second and looked away from her to collect his thoughts and to muster his words.

"Serena, it's been four years and as much as I've tried, I can't stop…" Dan stopped.

"Say it." Serena commanded as the tears continued roll down her cheek. "Say it!"

"I can't stop… loving you." Dan finally said. "But I don't want you to love me."

Serena was stunned, her mouth opened but she had no words.

"4 years is a long time. I've seen you date guy after guy, movie stars, artists, musicians, athletes." Dan explained.

"Dan, those are just—" Serena tried to say.

"No Serena. That's your future. There's someone out there, who is tall, and handsome, and smart, and funny, and loving, and who will give his entire being to you." Dan said.

Serena looked down. Dan managed a smile. He lifted her head by her chin and whispered:

"You deserve better than me."

Slap. A hardest slap he had ever experienced. It reminded him of the time when Serena found out about him and Ms. Carr in senior year. Only it was about ten times as hard as that. He was stunned, he had never seen Serena so angry, he frankly didn't think she was capable of such anger. But before he could collect his thoughts she grabbed him by his hair and pointed his face at her. There he was greeted by a menacing scowl unlike any he had ever seen on Serena's face before.

"Don't ever say that again!" She growled at him.

He was speechless and frankly his face hurt.

"Yeah you're right." Serena's voice trembled. "There's someone out there, who is tall, and handsome, and smart, and funny, and loving, and who has already given me his entire being. And he's trying to take it back right now."

She paused again trying to keep her voice from sounding too much like she's crying.

"But I won't let him." Serena said as her voice finally broke into a sorrowful cry.

She paused again and finally managed to say: "I do deserve a man who is all of those things. I always have. But that man… is standing right in front of me."

Her hands traveled down to his and their fingers intertwined just like the first time, in the cab after the Kiss on the Lips party.

She leaned over and whispered to him: "We either sink or swim."

She paused right in front of his lips.

"I choose to swim."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: By popular request (one person really), I've expanded the story a bit. It was originally a one shot but now I'm gonna take a crack at exploring their relationship a bit more. Hope you guys enjoy it.

He leafed through the pages one last time before he stacked them together and placed them down gently in front of him. There was a long pause and Dan knew exactly what that meant. And he wasn't all that surprised. His publisher finally looked up at him from across his desk. He pushed the stack into the middle of the desk half way between him and Dan. His publisher gave him a look of disappointment and worry.

"I would say what I'm about to say but I have a feeling you already know what I'm about to say." Uriah Holden, Dan's publisher in LA said to him.

"It's garbage." Dan confirmed.

"If you know, why did you write this?" He asked. "Don't answer. Look, to be honest, this doesn't concern me all that much. Whether you write this extra epilogue does not matter. We'll do a small tour to promote the two year anniversary, we'll get you on Kimmel, hell we'll go to promenade and sell the books by hand. The book is good and everyone knows that and there's no reason to add a subpar epilogue if it doesn't need it. What worries me is your next book."

"I know, I know." Dan said. "It is coming."

"I'm not worried about your punctuality. Take as much as you need. I'm not asking you to write a blog or report on news here. It is a book, you know how long Tolkien took on The Lord of the Rings? You know how long Ulysses took to write, the piece of crap that it is. Point is, a good book takes time to write." Uriah explained. "My question is; is this second book going to be good?"

"What?" Dan asked surprised. "Is this because I haven't shown you a draft? Because I told you, I'm not comfortable showing off my work before it is ready… this epilogue being the exception to the rule."

"It's not about that and you know it." Uriah replied.

"What? The girl?" Dan asked.

"Dan, I'm not your life coach. I'm not your mentor. I'm your publisher and your personal life is no business of mine but you're writing…" He paused for a second. "Is my business."

Dan said nothing and he didn't like where this was going.

"Look. I'm not telling you what to do with your life. I'm not telling you to stop seeing Serena Van Der Woodsen. I understand that she's a part of your life. And I understand that the Upper East Side is a part of you now. But when I met you last year, you were so far ahead of this book." He said. "Inside, was a compelling story of a young man who struggled his way through adolescence in a world where it would seem impossible. It wasn't just that you wrote a fantastic book. It was that you had the ability to see yourself with such clarity. What I'm worried about now is you regressing back into old habits."

"Yeah, the Upper East Side has a tendency of doing that." Dan explained.

"Don't shift the blame Dan." His publisher said. "Look, take a few extra days in LA. Or fuck, go to Peru, Rome, fuck, even go to Vietnam. Just don't go back to New York. At least not for a little while. Dan, I'm not trying to put you down. I believe in you and your talent. I just don't want to see it squandered."

Dan walked out of his publisher's office a bit shaken. In truth, he only had a rough outline of his next story and frankly he knew that it wasn't going to be as good as Inside. Frankly, it was more of what he had already written. What worried him was the words of his publisher, _what if he was right_? The sun came beaming down on his face and he quickly flipped through his pockets to find his sun glasses.

Just as he searched through the last of his many pockets he realized that he may have just forgot them in the hotel. Now half blinded by the Californian sun, he had to navigate his way to his next appointment.

A honk of a horn deafened one of his ears. He spun around in a frenzy hoping not to get hit by an oncoming car. But when he turned around he found himself staring at a leggy blonde in a shades pulling up to the curb in a Porsche Boxster. In her hand was a pair of aviator. She tossed it to him and he barely managed to catch it.

"Need a lift, Humphrey?" A familiar voice called out from an unfamiliar place.

Dan put on the aviators and plopped himself into the passenger's seat and buckled up.

"I didn't know you could drive." Dan commented.

"There's lots you don't know about me." Serena said in her flirty happy voice as she pulled onto the road.

"Where are we going?" Dan asked.

"Well, I was thinking I would take you to lunch before your next appointment." Serena answered.

"You don't have to do this." Dan said.

"What, drive you around?" Serena asked. "If it makes you feel better, you can drive if you want."

"No, not the driving…" Dan tried to say in his serious voice. "I mean coming out to LA with me."

"Well, call me a stage 5 clinger but I couldn't just wait a week to see you again." Serena replied.

"That's… nice?" Dan said sarcastically.

"Well excuse me. I thought I was being romantic." Serena said.

"No, no, it is nice." Dan said. "I'm sorry. It's just that I have a lot on my mind right now."

"Oh yeah? What did your publisher say about the draft?" Serena inquired.

Dan paused for a second.

"It was good. He said it was good." Dan lied.

"That's great!" Serena said as she pulled up to the restaurant.

The waiter poured Dan a glass of water as another poured him a glass of wine. He nervously placed his napkin in his lap and gave the waiters an awkward smile as they left. Serena sat across from him. Her hands on her chin and elbows on the table leaning forward. She smiled at him deviously.

"Why so nervous mister hot shot writer?" She teased.

"I guess, I wasn't expecting the Upper East Side… on the west coast." Dan said.

"Well I wanted to do something nice for you." Serena said.

"And it is nice." Dan said as he took a sip of water. "Thank you Serena."

"And besides, I thought you would be used to all of this by now." Serena commented.

Dan smiles a knowing smile as he took a sip of wine.

"What?" Serena asked sheepishly.

"Nothing. It's nothing. I'm sorry about that look, old habits." Dan said.

"No seriously. What is it?" Serena persisted.

Dan sighed. "Serena, I know you've been busy with school the last couple of years and I'm so proud of you. But this… this is all… very awkward."

"What is?" Serena asked in a concerned voice.

"This. Sitting down for lunch, pretending like nothing's changed." Dan answered.

"What? What's changed?" Serena asked.

"Look, Serena. I don't mean to make you upset but honestly… how many times did we see each other last year?" Dan asked.

"I… I dunno, what's this have to do with anything?" Serena stumbled on her words.

"I'll tell you. Four, four times. Once at Eric's birthday part, once at Blair's birthday, once at my dad and Lily's anniversary, and once during Christmas. And during all those times, we barely even spoke. So yes… forgive me if I can't exactly just put all of that behind us." Dan said.

"I know I've been busy but—" Serena tried to explain.

"No, no, you're misunderstanding me Serena. I'm not blaming you for anything. I am so glad you're taking an interest in school." Dan said. "Believe me Serena. When I say I'm proud of you, I mean it."

Serena looked down and said nothing.

"Why, why is this a big deal?" Serena asked.

"It's not." Dan replied. "But we can't just pretend that we are who we were in high school. We're different now."

Dan paused not only to find the words he wanted to say but also the right way to say them.

"Look Serena. In third year, I spent a semester in Portugal, last year, I spent it traveling around the country promoting this book. And we've seen each other less and less. Are we just going to pretend that we are right for each other?"

Serena looked up at him with a mean look in her face.

"I wasn't pretending!" Serena said. "But apparently you were."

"Serena, that's not what I said." Dan replied quickly trying to diffuse the situation.

"Then what?" Serena said starting to get a little emotional. "Do you still love me?"

Dan paused trying to think of something to say.

"Do you?" She asked again.

And again, Dan was silent.

"Why did you even write that epilogue then?" Serena said as she got up and stormed out.

Dan meant to say something but he had no words. His mouth opened but nothing came out. He watched as the girl of his dreams left in a fit and all he could do was sit and watch. A few moments passed and as the gravity of the situation sank in rocked over the glass of water in anger, dropped a few hundred dollars on the table and left.

He caught up to Serena outside as she was waiting for the valet to bring up her car.

"Serena wait." He said.

Serena turned around to face Dan. "What Dan?"

"I'm trying to talk to you." Dan explained.

"No, you're not." Serena said. "You're doing the exact opposite. You're making excuses."

"I said I'm trying. It isn't easy." Dan said.

Serena folded her arms. "So talk. I'm listening right now, tell me everything."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: First, I feel like I should thank each and everyone one of you who has been reading and reviewing this fic. I wasn't expecting such an overwhelmingly positive response. I just had a little scene in my head and you guys managed to help me expand it into something more, and for that I would like to thank you guys. And here's a chapter as a token of my appreciation. I really hope you guys enjoy it.

"_Everything." Dan said promptly with a pause. "Everything is a lot."_

_Serena gave him a knowing glance._

"_So what now? You're the one that won't be honest?" Serena inquired. "How is this different from the whole Georgina thing? Dan, I'm making an effort here. But you're not making it easy."_

"_Easy? Serena, you're making an effort?" Dan said in a sharp commanding voice. "You think that following me out here makes things okay?"_

"_Okay?" Serena asked. "Dan, what are you talking about?"_

_Dan paused and put his hands in his pockets as to not fidget, he had a habit of doing so in tough situations. He looked up at the sky as he tried to find the right set of words._

"_Serena." Dan started. "You think I don't see you?"_

_Dan moved closer and put his hand on her arm._

"_I see you." He continued. "You think that I only like the idea of Serena Van Der Woodsen. No, I wish it were that easy. I wish I only liked the idea of a girl. Because that way, it wouldn't be so hard to walk away. I don't like the idea of Serena Van Ser Woodsen, I'm in love with the person."_

"_Dan—" Serena smiled._

"_No, Serena stop. I spent six months in Portugal. Six months. I sat on a fishing boat and wrote on my off time but the words would never find me. Because all I could do was think about you. Because I needed you." Dan said. "But you don't need me. That's the difference. You spent 3 months in Paris with a different guy every couple of days. You can shut off your feelings and turn them on whenever you want now. I can't do that Serena."_

"_Is this what all of this is about?" Serena asked._

"_Serena, no. And I don't want you to apologize for who you are, ever. You don't owe me an apology. Everything that has happened to us, I'm also responsible." Dan said. "I'm trying to make it right but we're just… very different now."_

"_Dan, you have to know that I'm trying too." Serena said with tears in her eyes._

_Dan could see that Serena was upset. "I know you are Serena. But I think you have to ask yourself, do you love me? Or do you just love the idea of me?"_

_Serena looked up at him. Dan gave her an awkward sardonic smile as if only to say, well isn't this ironic. _

Serena woke up grasping for air. She kicked the covers off of her and rolled over, her hands collapsing in a position as if to embrace someone next to her. But there was no one there. _It was all a dream_, she thought to herself. Except it wasn't, it was a conversation from the day before, right as she stormed out of the restaurant. She sat up quickly and looked around. Her clothes were neatly placed on the chair next to the window. And his were all over the floor. She peaked over the side of the bed to find Dan asleep on the floor next to her.

She slapped Dan gently across the face. "Dan!"

He woke up and immediately shielded himself with his arm praying that another slap would not come.

"What? I'm up! I'm up!" Dan said as he sat himself up.

"Why are you sleeping on the floor?" Serena asked.

"We were talking and you dozed off." Dan answered as he stood up and started to rotate his arms and neck.

"So you slept on the floor?" Serena asked. "What happened last night?"

"Don't worry, I was a perfect gentleman. I didn't even look when I undressed you for bed." Dan replied.

"I'm sure you know that's not what I meant." Serena said.

"What do you want me to say? We had the longest conversation of our lives and you passed out in the middle of it. I wasn't about to jump into bed with you until we figured things out." Dan said.

"Sounds like you're just punishing me." Serena replied as she got out of the bed and headed into the bathroom.

"Well maybe getting a single hotel room wasn't the best idea." Dan said.

"Well I was under the impression that this would be a fun trip. I thought this would be good for us." Serena said from the bathroom.

Dan appeared in the doorway of the bathroom and looked at Serena. "Serena, I didn't ask you to come out here. Don't put this on me."

"So that's what we've been reduced to?" Serena asked as she started the shower. "Blaming each other?"

Dan turned around as Serena got undressed.

"And what is this?" Serena asked as she jumped into the shower. "You've seen me naked before."

"I'm just trying to be respectful." Dan said.

"More like you're just trying to prove a point." Serena added.

"Serena, I don't want to get into this again. At least not now. I have a meeting that I canceled yesterday to get to. And frankly, I feel like we've already had this conversation last night. Five times." Dan said as he knotted his tie.

"Dan wait!" Serena said as she jumped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to cover herself.

Serena paused, she meant to say something but she had not yet thought that far ahead. She just didn't want Dan to leave.

Dan stood there, as he had always done whenever Serena earnestly asked. He saw that she wanted to say something but just couldn't put it into words. He smiled at her reassuringly and walked over to her. He put his hands on her wet shoulders. Serena slowly looked up at him.

"I don't want to lose you." Serena pleaded. "Please tell me we're not over."

Dan kissed her on the forehead.

"We're not over." He reassured her. "We'll talk tonight at the beach party."

And with that Dan headed out the door. Serena along again, finally started to realize the mess that she had caused. She collapsed onto the bed, the shower still on. She had cried more times in the last week than she had in the last 6 months. With her heart in her throat she managed to grab her cellphone and dial Blair.

The phone rang. There was a click. "Serena?" A familiar voice answered.

"Hey, it's me. Blair, I feel like I'm falling apart." Serena managed to say.

The reporter had his eyes on Dan the whole interview. Dan tried not to noticed that the she was undressing him with her eyes but it became harder and harder. This wasn't something that was all that new to Dan since his book became a best seller. For any other man this would be a dream come true but for Dan it was only lead to a horrendous realization of the effect Serena had had on him.

He had realized that this girl that he had met in the second last year of high school had so completely controlled his life and that there was no way out. He couldn't ask her to step away because in his heart he knew that he needed her. He couldn't tell her everything he felt about her because he was afraid she would just give up on them when she was bored, and he knew… that Serena Van Der Woodsen got bored easily.

"So, I know you like to keep tight lipped about this kind of thing, but can you give me a little preview on what your next book is about?" The reporter asked in her flirty voice as she had done this whole interview.

Dan paused and thought about it for a second, in fact he was rewriting the whole premise of the book in his head at that very moment.

"Well, it is about a young man… who works on a fishing boat for a few years of his life… trying to run away from the problems he had at home. It is about him growing into a man… it is about him learning to deal with unresolved feelings… and it is… about him catching big ass fish." Dan said while giving the reporter a knowing look.

"And are these unresolved issues about a… girl?" She asked deviously.

"You know, you're almost as good as Oprah. Seriously, you show take her place." Dan commented. "Who knows maybe in a couple of years you will get all my secrets out of me. But for now, you're just gonna have to wait until the book comes out."

The reporter blushed. "Well, you can't blame a girl for trying." She sighed. "And good luck to you Mr. Humphrey, we can't wait until your next release and thank you so much for your time."

"Always happy to be here." Dan said as he got up to shake her hand. But the reporter reached right passed his hanging hand and give him a big squeeze. Dan's eyes opened wide and mouthed, _oh okay_, as he often did.

He left the interview and into the sun. Again he was blinded by the light. It was going to take him a while to get used to the sun here. He reached into his back pocket for the aviators Serena gave him yesterday but instead of sun glasses found a business card. He pulled it out of his pocket and found a number written on the back. The reporter must've slipped it into his pocket during the hug, he thought, _she's pretty slick_.

He put it back into his pocket only to pull out his cellphone. He scrolled down to Serena but just then… he had a called, from Blair.

"Well… good…afternoon? How's the weather in Manhattan?" Dan greeted.

"Nice try Dan. The weather? Really, that's all you got?" Blair said over the phone.

"Blair, why are you calling? This couldn't wait until I got back to New York next week?" Dan asked.

"_This_, is about Serena. And what you did to her." Blair answered.

"What I did to her? What are you talking about?" Dan asked.

"You made the girl cry! She followed you out to Los Angeles, why are you giving her a hard time?" Blair asked.

"I didn't ask her to come." Dan said.

"You and I both know that doesn't absolve you of anything." Blair retorted. "Look Dan, just because we're friends now doesn't mean that Serena still isn't my number one priority."

"Yes, I know, Serena always comes first." Dan said as he emptied his lungs on the last word.

"Dan… I know that Serena can be a handful. And I haven't forgotten all those things you've told me about her in our late night movie marathon breaks." Blair said.

"Those things were told to you in confidence!" Dan said sharply.

"Don't worry Humphrey, I didn't tell her." Blair reassured him. "But you should! I know you've told her that you love her, but have you let her know how much she's hurt you?"

"I just don't think that's a good idea." Dan said. "I don't want to make her feel guilty."

"Dan… I know you're a good guy, but remember… you deserve to be happy too. You can't just be looking out for Serena's feelings all the time and ignoring your own. Serena knows you're a good guy. You don't have to keep proving it to her."

"I know Blair, it just has taken me a little more than I anticipated." Dan said.

"Tell her how you feel, _all_ of it! Trust in her, she won't hurt you. Tonight at your publisher's beach party." Blair said.

"Wait? How do you know about that?" Dan said looking around and inspected his surroundings. "Do you have one of your minions out here?"

"I'm Blair Waldorf. I know all!" And with that she hung up.

Dan took one last scan of the street to look for a colored headband. He saw nothing but wasn't exactly assured that he was in the clear. It's hard to shake the feeling of a Waldorf tail.

The salty ocean air brushed across his face as he stared out into the abyss. The sun had long since set and all that was left was left in darkness. He navigated the waterline with only the water and sand between his toes and the rhythmic sound of waves crashing against the land over and over again. The party was a good distance away and he looked at the pavilions set up and the privileged elite of the west coast mingle, talk, and praise a book that had just come out and that they've probably never read or ever intend to read. He was comfortable with the silence.

In the distance, in those pavilions, he could make out a girl in a white dress. He could spot that girl from the moon. Undeniable, unmistakable, he had always known her. Her flowing blonde hair, her perfect legs, her ten trillion dollar smile, her eyes that stopped him dead in his tracks every single time. She mingled with her friends and friends of friends. Celebrities, designers, and rock stars. She had always had friends. And though Dan was becoming a public figure in his own right, he had always been lonely. He has always been… lonelyboy.

Serena made her way through the party like an old pro. She had been to these types of events since she was just a child and navigating through it all was second nature to her. But in all of this she still couldn't seem to find Dan. She felt a tap on her shoulder, she turned around hoping to find him, he had always managed to sneak up on her.

"Serena Van Der Woodsen?" An unfamiliar voice came from behind her.

She turned around to find a taller lanky man in a white suit.

"My name is Uriah Holden. I'm Dan's publisher so naturally I feel like I know you." He said with a smile.

"Oh hi, nice to meet you." Serena said. "I'm actually looking for him, do you know where he is?"

"Yeah… he tends to come to these things just for me. He usually takes a few pictures, talks to a couple of his friends and spends most of it alone. You'll probably find him by the water." He answered.

"Thank you." Serena said.

"Look, I heard about the confrontation between you and Dan at the restaurant yesterday." He said.

"You heard about that?" Serena asked.

"Gossip Girl and TMZ are good friends." He said with an awkward smile.

"I don't mean to interfere with his life, or yours, but I think I might've said something to piss him off a bit." He explained. "I told him that the epilogue wasn't good enough to publish and that maybe he should stay away from New York for a while."

"And by New York, you mean me." Serena confirmed.

Uriah didn't say anything, he didn't have to.

Serena looked around as if in a panic. "I have to go." She said.

Dan had managed to find a 5 pieces of dry driftwood, not an easy task on a beach in the dark. He placed them in a pile and stood over it. He pulled out a lighter from his pocket. Now all he needed was some kindling. He reached into his pocket and found the business card that he acquired earlier that day. He thought about it for a second only to realize he had no reason to think about it. He lit the business card on fire and dropped into the wood. And from this little piece of cardstock, printed with designer fonts, and fine acrylic ink came… fire.

Dan breathed in the burning smoke into his lungs. He could smell the burning of drift sea wood, the smell of industrial ink and… a scent of perfume, a smell he knew all too well. He turned around and sure enough, like an angel, she approached him in her white dressed and long flowing blonde hair.

"Is that us?" She asked softly. "A burning mess?"

Dan propped himself up to greet her. "I dunno, what you're talking about. That's a beautiful fire. I may not been rugged enough for scouts as a kid but I know how to keep things burning."

Serena laughed her childish laugh. "You sure do." She confirmed.

Serena reached over and gave him a passionate kiss. Dan embraced her and held her close. Even if this wasn't going to last, he knew he wanted this moment to last. And if he could, he would make it last a life time.

Serena finally broke the kiss and said: "You're publisher told me what he said about the epilogue. Dan, I'm sorry. I don't be the reason you can't write."

Dan smiled. "Is that what you think?"

"Well yeah—" Serena tried to say.

"I know… that wasn't for the book. That _letter_, wasn't meant for him, that letter wasn't meant for anyone else… it was for you, and for you alone." Dan said.

Serena looked at him. He stared back and in that space of silence they had an entire conversation with their eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore." Serena said.

"I was trying to be strong." Dan explained.

"Dan, I don't need you to be strong." Serena said as she started to well up. "I need you to be happy."

Dan looked down slightly. Serena's hand reached to catch his chin and turn his gaze back to her.

"Do you understand that?" Serena asked. "I know I haven't exactly given you a reason to trust me when I say that but all I can hope is that you believe when I tell you the truth."

"Serena, I've never doubted the fact that you believe this." Dan said. "But… you have no idea what it really means. "

"I'm trying to figure that out." Serena explained.

"I feel like I'm drowning Serena." Dan explained. "I feel like I'm drowning in your ocean." Dan paused for a second. "I feel like I can't… breath."

Serena put her hands on his face. "I know Dan. But you have to let me save you. It's not fair… it's not fair that you give up everything for me every single time. But you won't even let me drive you around town. I'm here Dan. I'm right here. I _want _to save you."

Serena slid one of her hands down to his.

"Please, Dan, I want to save you but you have to let me." Serena said. "Take my hand."

Dan slowly closed his fingers around hers.

"Let me be your air." She whispered gently as her breath traveled with her words until they reached his lips. Her hand pulled him close, their gazed unbreakable… their kiss… indescribable.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Okay, so this is partly because I'm a lazy fuck, partly because I feel like I need to expand a little on Serena in this story, but MOSTLY because I feel like what has ruined the last few seasons of Gossip Girl is the over-emphasize on plot and drama. A show about people has to... revolve around people, not just what is happening to them. So take this as you will, I'm breaking all conventions of storytelling and slowing it down a bit. This chapter basically has no plot and is just a snapshot of Serena's inner thought process. I'm sure this isn't a popular decision, but I feel like a little bit of characterization will not only help expand the characters but also set up future plot points better so I don't have to rely as much on something the GG writers tend to overuse EXPOSITION (note to GG writers; Exposition is not dialogue!)! Anyways, it is shorter, I'm really sorry guys. But this probably won't be the last of these kinds of updates.

A darkness fell over the room as the credits finally ended. Serena lay on Dan's chest as her gaze was fixed upon the TV on the opposite wall. It automatically turned off as soon as the movie had ended. Serena smiled when she realized her situation. She was lying in bed with the man she loved in a beautiful hotel room on the most perfect of summer nights after having one of the most magical moments of her life only hours before. How she managed that she didn't know. She knew that she had been beyond lucky to find herself in the place that she had.

"That was nice." Serena commented only a few moments after the movie had ended.

There was no reply from Dan.

She turned to look at him. He had already passed out. She smiled again as she crawled her way up and made herself comfortable in the nook of his arm. She laid her head between his shoulder and his chest and stared up at him. How fortunate she had been and how close he was to slipping away yet again, and if he had, it would've been for good.

Serena had never had to fight so hard for anything that she had wanted. Life was easy for her and on some level she had always known this. But she had her share of problems and drama but only now did she realize how much of it had been of her own doing. The thought haunted her, it tormented her very soul to realize what kind of person she had become, or worse, had always been.

What troubled her the most was not what she had become but what Dan might've thought of her. The man beside her, or rather just beneath her sleep had never blamed her for anything. Maybe she had been wrong all those years ago. Maybe she should've just been honest about Georgina and her past. Maybe none of this needed to happen. Maybe Dan wasn't just in love with the image of Serena Van Der Woodsen, maybe he was actually just… in love with her.

The very thought scared her. What had she done to deserve such love? If she couldn't understand that, she would never understand Dan. If she couldn't understand him and why he loved her so unconditionally, she was afraid she would never be able to love him as much as he loved her. _That_ scared her.

"Dan, I'm cold." Serena said in a soft voice to check if he was still awake.

He instinctively pulled the duvet over her and cradled her in his arms. She smiled at him even though his eyes were close and she was pretty sure he was fast asleep. He instinctively knew how to love her, even in his sleep. How could she ever love him that way? She didn't even know where to begin.

She pulled herself up to his face and gently kissed him. A gentle response came from his lips.

"Dan." She whispered but he did not respond. On some level she felt relieved. "I'm scared Dan."

She said this knowing full well that he couldn't hear her. It was the only way she was going to be able to say all that she wanted to say. Dan had a habit of cutting her off and saying just the right thing to make her feel better. He knew just how to reassure her. It was as much a natural reaction of his part as it was an effort to make Serena happy. It was in his nature to want her happy.

"You're too good for me." She whispered. It would be at that moment that Dan would say something like _nonsense, Serena, don't ever think that_.

"I don't need you to shield me from the truth." She continued. "I know what I am. And it is about time I faced that."

She paused. Her hands ran across his bare chest and down his opposite arm. Her fingers intertwined with his as he slept. She played with his fingers with hers. She looked his hand and tears flooded her eyes once again.

"This is what I do to you." Serena whispered as her fingers continued to gently play with his. "This is what I put you through."

She stopped and gently brought his hand over to her face. She leaned against it to feel his warm.

"And I'm sorry." She said softly as she kissed his hand.

She turned herself over to face him completely. Her face neared his, her breath caressing his skin. She stared at him as if he was all there was in the world anywhere. Her hands ran along her sleeping cheeks.

"But I don't want you to forgive me." Serena whispered directly at him. Hoping he would hear this but at the same time wishing that he didn't. The man would never let her say this time him had he been awake and she knew this.

"Not this time." She continued.

"This time, I want to earn your forgiveness." She whispered.

She leaned over and kissed him again.

"This time…" Her voice lingered. "I want to be worthy of your love."

He did not move. But she smiled. A single tear rolled down her cheek and landed on his. She rested her head next to his, close her eyes and prayed for strength.

"Are you still cold?" Dan murmured from his sleep.

Serena smiled. "No… this is perfect." She answered him.

She closed her eyes and silently she mouthed into his ear; _I love you_.


	5. Chapter 5

They both took their time off the plane. They both knew that once they stepped off the plane they would officially be in New York again. And right now New York felt poisonous. Serena walked behind Dan. She was more afraid of New York and what it would mean for their relationship than she had realized when they left LAX. But now, in front of the gate, a cold chill ran down her back. She realized that she wasn't ready to face all of the drama that had plagued her life and her relationship with Dan for the past six years. And with that dangerous thought lingering in her head, she stopped.

Dan noticed that she was no longer behind him. He turned around to find Serena several paces back. He scratched his head, not because he wasn't sure what she was thinking, he knew what she was thinking, he was thinking the same thing, he wasn't sure what to say to her.

He reached his hand out as if to beckon hers. And after giving a look of quiet defeat, she paced herself to him and grabbed his hand.

"I know, I'm scared too." Dan said looking over at Serena as they slowly walked into the airport.

"I just don't want to go through all of that drama we had before." Serena explained. "I really want us to work this time."

Dan stopped and turned to her. "I know. Me too."

Dan reached out and gently kissed her.

"I'll see you tomorrow night?" Serena asked.

"Yeah, yeah, tomorrow night." Dan said. "We'll talk then."

Serena reached over and kissed him again. He stroked his hair gently and looked into his eyes as she broke the kiss. Something was different. He seemed calm. _How was he not feeling the same anxiety that she was? _She thought to herself.

"Okay" she whispered.

Dan smiled at her once again trying to reassure her. And as he slowly turned around to leave, her hand's grip on his slowly loosen until they finally separated.

There was a knock on the door. Jenny looked over from the kitchen bar where she had been working on her designs while letting her cereal get soggy. She walked over and opened the door to find Dan standing there have being gone for months.

"Dan!" Jenny said as she hugged him. "Oh my god, you're here!"

"Yes," Dan said as he moved past her into the loft. "Yes, I am. Oh, is that some soggy cereal? Got anymore?"

Jenny gave him a snide look. "I just did groceries if that's what you're asking."

Dan headed to the refrigerator and peeped in. He grabbed a bottle of coke, took out the bread, and some ham to make himself a sandwich. Jenny sat back down at her spot and looked at her brother amusingly fixing himself food.

"So… how was LA?" She asked.

"It was fine." Dan said as he put the sandwich together and went back into the refrigerator to dig for some condiments.

"Any big news?" She asked.

"Nope, publisher didn't like the epilogue, but he's more concerned with my second book." Dan replied as he squeezed out the mustard onto the sandwich.

"That's not what I was asking about." Jenny said.

Dan looked up and then at Jenny. "Let me guess… Gossip Girl?" He asked.

"Well, it wasn't like you guys were being discreet." Jenny replied. "So, is it true? Are you guys getting back together?"

Dan took a bite out his sandwich and washed it down with coke.

"It is true." He said half chewing on his food. "But we're taking it slow. Trying to make it work this time. And who knows, we're not in high school anymore, maybe we have a chance."

"Well, good luck to you." Jenny said.

"Don't you still hate Serena?" Dan asked.

"Please, Dan, that was so two years ago." Jenny replied.

"Huh… good to know." He replied as he took his food and his drink and sat on the couch. "Hey Jenny, is it cool if I crash here for a couple of days. I know you've rented out my room and all…"

"Yeah, it's fine." Jenny said. "Do you want me to get the air mattress?"

"No, no." Dan said. "The couch will be fine, I won't be here long, I'll be out of your hair soon enough."

Serena had only just started unpacking when the sound of heels marked the entrance and return of Blair Waldorf. Serena, excited, ran into her room to greet her. Her hospitality was returned in kind.

"B, I missed you so much!" Serena said.

"I missed you too Serena." Blair replied. "So… how was LA?"

"It was wonderful and magical…" Serena said starting with an elevated tone that quickly dropped off.

She sat down on the chair next to Blair's bed. Blair sensing Serena's usual insecurity sat down on her bed and looked at Serena. She had one specific look to coax the words out of Serena, it works every time.

"What?" Serena said glaring back at her.

"Serena, please." Blair replied. "You need to talk and I frankly don't have the time to play the usual game."

"Fine." Serena gave up. "Dan and I are great. At least I think. We had a long talk while we're out there. He really opened up to me. And we said we're gonna take things slow this time and try to make this relationship work properly this time."

"That sounds great." Blair said with a hint of sarcasm.

"You don't believe in us?" Serena asked.

"Serena, I believe that you want this. And I even believe that you think you're prepared for this relationship again." Blair said. "I just think there are things you don't know."

"Like what?" Serena asked.

Blair took her laptop out of her bag. She took booted it up and opened up the browser to a page; Dan's blog. She handed it to Serena. She then proceeded to go to her desk and dig out several newspapers and magazines, each with sticky notes plastered all over them. She approached Serena and dropped them right beside the spot where Serena was sitting.

"What is all this?" Serena asked confused still glossing through the blog posts.

"This is everything Dan has written over the last two years." Blair answered.

"What about Inside?" Serena asked.

"What do you think Dan's been doing the last two years?" Blair asked rhetorically. "You think he's actually just spent it on a boat in the Atlantic? Afghanistan, Bosnia, Serbia, not to mention all of his work State side. Inside was his catapult into the literary world. And where he's made his money. But this, all of this, is his real work."

Serena flipped through the magazines, she read the excerpts that were in bold and in quotations, it was unmistakably Dan. She read in awe and to her own horror at some of the images that were taken and some of the stories that he wrote. All of which was familiarly Dan, yet undeniably alien. Was this a side of Dan that Serena had not been aware of all these years?

"How…" Serena let out. "And why do you have these?"

"Serena…" Blair sighed. "I don't want to be the one to tell you this, but I've been a better friend to Dan than you have these last two years."

It wasn't until the hot wind had hit his face that he realized that summer was truly upon New York. LA had been hot and dry but that he had suspected was just how LA always was. It seemed that the heat had followed him across the country.

"Humphrey." A familiar voice called out.

Dan turned around to see a tall brown haired man from his recent past standing a few feet away.

"Edmund, Edmund McKenna." Dan said with a welcoming voice. "How are you? What are you doing in New York?"

Edmund gave him a knowing look.

"Ah… alright, cool, cool." Dan said. "But I gotta warn you, this city isn't Lisbon or Toronto. If they catch you…"

"I know, I know." Edmund replied. "But you can't be a great artist without painting. And New York is the greatest canvas of them all. I can't avoid it forever."

"Fair enough." Dan said. "Well I hope to see your work soon, hopefully before the city takes it down."

"That's actually why I'm here, at your doorstep." Edmund said. "I was wondering…"

"Ah jesus, I dunno man." Dan said. "I haven't done any running in a long time. I don't know if you want me there slowing you down."

"C'mon, Humphrey." Edmund continued. "What's the point of the work if I can't have a great journalist to help me document it? What happened to you? Has being State side made you soft?"

Edmund dug an old photo out of his pocket and handed it to Dan. Dan looked down and immediately recognized it. In front of an old fortress wall, Dan, Edmund, and their friend Vicky stood. Behind them on the wall was a mural that Vicky and Edmund had spent days on. A flood of memories came rushing through his head. A smile managed to make its way onto Dan's lips.

"You can't tell me you don't miss that…" Edmund said.

Dorota took what was left of their desserts and piled it all up onto a tray. Serena gave her a friendly smile. Serena returned her attention to the article Dan had written for National Geographics. Blair came out of the bathroom freshened up and ready for bed.

"So, Dan was in the Congo?" Serena asked. "This all seems very un-Dan like…"

"It was…" Blair admitted as she climbed into her bed. "But you know what? Every time he called me, he seemed happy."

"I just never thought of Dan as a thrill seeker." Serena said still reading the article.

Blair sat up and looked at Serena. "S… what do you think he was doing out there?"

Serena looked up at Blair.

"What do you think he was running from?" Blair continued. "You told me that he seemed different in LA."

Blair paused.

"As if he changed." Blair started again. "Well this… all of this is what changed him."

Serena's expression suddenly turned grim. Was this true? Had Dan changed that much? Had he left her behind in his past? Who is this person? And could she love him still? More importantly, could he still love her?

A sound of spray paint struck Dan's ears like an old song. It had been a long time since Dan had been on one of Edmund's "raids" as he liked to call it. But it all felt right, it felt comfortable. But this was New York, this was his own. He looked out from the rooftop on which they stood onto the vast skyline of one of the most magnificent cities in the world. Dan had lived in this city his whole life and yet had probably only visited less than 10% of all that this city was. Edmund and Vicky had always taught Dan to open his eyes and keep them open, to new things and new experiences. And for that brief moment in time, on that rooftop, Dan was experiencing New York in a completely new way.

Dan took a swig of his beer and picked up his camera again. He took a few shots of Edmund working on what once was a blank wall; now a sprawling mural of a re-interpreted version of Madonna on the Rocks.

"Want some?" Edmund said as he took the joint from his lips and held it out for Dan.

"Nah, not tonight." Dan said. "I keep telling you, this is New York… if the cops find us—"

"Yeah, yeah, we're gonna need to run like motherfuckers." Edmund cut him off. "So are you gonna talk about it or what?"

"Huh?" Dan muttered.

"I may not have lived in the States since I was child but I know how to use the internet. And frankly, this city seems to be obsessed with Gossip Girl." Edmund said.

"Oh… you saw that too." Dan replied.

"Serena Van Der Woodsen… all those references, all those letters, every inch of your writing carried the scent of this unknown girl." Edmund continued. "Who knew it was Manhattan's own princess."

"Yeah well… that was a long time ago." Dan commented.

"And what about this time?" Edmund asked. "Is this why you came back to New York?"

"Honestly, I don't know why I came back to New York." Dan said with conviction in his voice. "I thought… I thought that getting out of the Upper East Side would be good for me."

"And it wasn't?" Edmund asked as he continued to paint.

"No it was." Dan said. "There was a part of me that wanted to conquer fear. A part of me that wanted to feel something else after years of that world… a part of me wanted something else."

"So what now?" Edmund asked.

"I don't know. When I came back for Christmas… I thought I was ready. You know, after almost being killed in Serbia, and suffering through dysentery and disease all around. I mean, I came face to face with some of the scariest people in the world… remember the heroin road in Afghanistan? I thought… I could come back here and be… different. I thought, how could the Upper East Side possibly put me through what I've already put myself through?" Dan said.

"But?" Edmund asked.

"Serena… I can't shake her. No matter how far I ran… how many bullets I've dodged, how many cops I've ran from, how many things I've seen… she still… scares me." Dan said. "I left the United States to gain some perspective. I thought I could find something greater out there…"

The sound of spray paint stopped. Edmund turned around to face Dan.

"Look, I'm not at all a fan of the Upper East Side, from what you've told me. It sounds like a poisonous superficial hellhole, a place of sycophants and liars, a place of thieves with gold watches and ties, but it isn't just what doesn't kill you makes you stronger…" Edmund said.

"What doesn't kill you makes you better."

Dan looked up at him. "Is it done?"

"Yeah, it's done." Edmund answered.

Dan stood up and positioned himself and began to shoot. There wasn't much light on the rooftop but he did manage to get a least a few good shots.

"You think it'll still be here in the morning?" Edmund asked.

"We'll see" Dan said as he continued to take pictures.

"It sounds like you still love her." Edmund remarked. "Look, I may never understand the Upper East Side, but love is universal…"

Dan finally stopped and lowered his camera. He stared at the mural with his own eyes. It was one thing to take a picture of a great work of art, but he had also taught himself that no picture was a replacement for the experience of the eyes.

"What makes you better..." Edmund said softly.

"She does." Dan finished.

There was a bang on the rooftop door. The sound of footsteps, several of them reached them. As the doors opened and the flashlights turned on, Dan and Edmund had realized what was to come.

"Well… get ready for the chase of your life." Dan said.

Dan and Edmund dropped their beers and started to run.

"Hey you, stop!" The cops yelled from a distance.

Dan and Edmund reached the edge of the rooftop, there was nowhere to go but down. Dan hesitated a bit, he hadn't done this in a long time. He closed his eyes, took in a breath of air and leaped.

Hours later, Dan had finally made his way back to the loft, but not without a great deal of effort to shake off the cops. He collapsed onto the couch as soon as he got home. His eyes closely immediately and fell into a deep sleep. Twenty minutes later, the door of the loft cracked open and woke him up. What he saw next almost caused him to fall off the couch.

"Dan, you're back." A voice from his past said as it entered through the front door.

"Lexi?" Dan asked. "What are you doing here?"


	6. Chapter 6

_There was a rhythm to it all. A sick heartbeat and a collapsed lung, even the touch of his hand was weak despite the fact that I could visibly tell that he was trying with all his strength; to grip onto my hand with his very life. The words were unknown to me but the fear wasn't. He spoke volumes with his silent gaze and unknown syllables. _

_He was praying._

_In the face of impending death, in a place surrounded by hired guns and armored jeeps, when all his bodies' senses betrayed him and all his vitals began to fade and what seemed like a possibility gave way to the most certain inevitability. He was going to die. _

_Often there are moments in our lives that seem to go slower, every detail remembered, every moment treasured. And although we kneeled in this arid field of death we never gave up hope. Death was upon him, at the tender age of nine, but he was stronger than that. He was stronger than death. When every cell in his body told him that he was going to die, his eyes said, I know. _

_With confidence and courage unknown to me and a voice I couldn't understand, he told me, not to be afraid. For God will protect me._

_As Edmund and Antonio furiously bandaged up his legs and replaced the one around his stomach he paid no attention to them, as he knew his own destiny. He could see it clearly and where most people would cower in despair he said with the conviction of his entire being that he did not fear death._

_Could I be like him one day. Could I be half the man that boy has shown me men were capable of being that day. Could I be someone's pillar of strength even in my dying days._

"Haunting isn't it?" Blair said coming out of the bathroom completely dressed for work.

Serena managed to pry her eyes away from the pages. She had practically been up all night reading through magazines and newspaper articles. Serena had so few words; she hadn't had any time to process any of it. Part of her didn't want to. Part of her didn't want to know what would happen to her if she slowed down to let it all in. There was a whole other side to Dan that she wasn't aware of, what's worse he didn't feel the need to share.

"I just don't understand why he didn't tell me." Serena said as she took a sip of her coffee.

"Serena…" Blair sighed. "He was here every other week. He made it to all of his exams. Don't forget he was in school for most of this. Sure he stopped attending lectures but his writing dramatically improved."

Blair came over to Serena and sat next to her. She loaded some fruits onto her plate and began the breakfast that Serena had already started.

"Think about it Serena." Blair continued. "You were right there at Columbia, he could come see you at any time he was even here on the weekends and we would go see movies together. But instead he spent weeks at a time in some godforsaken part of the world trying to get himself killed. Why would he want to tell you that?"

"I just don't understand." Serena said.

Blair turned to Serena and looked her in the eyes. "Don't tell him I told you this. But you hurt him S. And the only way he figured he would ever get over it if he hurt himself more. Maybe then, you're sting wouldn't be as painful."

"Oh my god…" Serena whispered.

"I don't mean to upset you." Blair said. "But if you ever want things to work with Dan you really need to understand the parts of him he doesn't necessarily want people to see. A lot of that has to do with you. This isn't high school anymore; that means a bit more to him than it does to you… or me."

Blair popped one more strawberry into her mouth.

"Okay, I gotta go." Blair said as she got up and grabbed her purse.

"Where are you going?" Serena asked.

"I've got a meeting with Dan." Blair replied.

"I'll come with you." Serena said.

"No." Blair interrupted. "You need to stay here. Still too soon for you. Slow down a bit S. You'll see him tonight. Until then, really think about what you've just spent all night reading. You're gonna need to before you see him again."

Dan sat at the breakfast bar fiddling with his camera's lens. The pins on the autofocus motor seemed to be broken. Dan wasn't a genius with mechanical devices but he had learned a few tricks being in situations where he couldn't just take a camera to a repair shop. He headed into the bathroom to find some Q-tips.

"Aaaahhhhhh!" Lexi screamed as Dan entered the bathroom.

Dan immediately covered his eyes and turned around. "I didn't see anything, I swear."

Lexi quickly wrapped herself in a towel and exited the bathroom. "It's okay, my fault. I'm so used to it just being me and Jenny around."

"Well, I'm sorry for intruding like this." Dan said with his hand still over his eyes. "I didn't realize you were my sister's new roommate."

"It's okay" Lexi said as she grabbed her underwear and quickly threw them on.

She grabbed his hands and pried them away from his eyes. "It's okay, you can stop doing that now." Lexi smiled at him.

Dan looked down at Lexi, she wasn't wearing very much just a bra and a thong.

"Uhhh are you sure?" Dan said. "Because it feels like I should still have my hands over my eyes."

Lexi sat down on the couch. "This is my home right now, not yours and I will dress as I please in my own home. But if it makes you feel better." She quickly ran into her room to grab a T-shirt and tossed it on.

"Thank you." Dan said appreciatively. "Again, I'm very sorry for all the inconvenience."

"Not at all." Lexi said as she moved herself over to the kitchen to fix herself a bowl of cereal. "I haven't seen you since the Snowflake Ball what? 5 years ago?"

Dan sat back down in front of his camera again. "Yeah well. Same old, same old." Dan remarked.

"Are you kidding me?" Lexi said playing with her spoon. "You think the great Dan Humphrey can just fly under the radar these days? With your best-selling novel and numerous published articles, not to mention Gossip Girl constantly following you around."

"Okay, so maybe not the same old, same old." Dan said. "But I'm still the same old Dan."

"Uh huh, keep trying." Lexi said. "Say a couple more times and maybe I'll believe you."

"Oh yeah? If I'm so famous why do I still have to crash at my little sister's apartment?" Dan asked.

"Touché." Lexi smiled.

Dan then went back to fiddling with his camera.

"What are you doing?" Lexi asked.

"What? I'm trying to fix my camera." Dan said.

"No, no. That camera is busted." Lexi said. "And quite frankly, you need an upgrade. Young, rich, and famous, what are you doing shooting your photojournalism pieces with a clunker like that?"

"It gets the job done." Dan replied.

"Well there's getting the job done." Lexi said. "And there's getting the job done right."

Blair arrived about an hour after her breakfast with Serena. She had to stop off at the office before she headed to the loft to find Dan. But when she arrived Dan wasn't there. She walked inside and looked around, the place seemed different, more feminine.

"Hello?" Blair said.

Jenny walked out of her room.

"Hi Blair." Jenny said with a deep sigh.

Blair rolled her eyes and took a moment to compose herself. "Where's your brother?"

"I dunno," Jenny replied. "I think he went out with Lexi."

"Lexi?" Blair asked. "Who's Lexi?"

"My new roommate." Jenny answered.

Blair rolled her eyes again. "Well, when he gets back could you give this to him?"

Blair handed Jenny a sealed envelope.

"What is it?" Jenny asked.

"None of your business." Blair said sharply. "Just give it to him."

"Blair, how long are you gonna stay mad at me?" Jenny asked.

"I already let you back into the city for college, don't push your luck." Blair replied.

Dan watched in awe as Lexi assembled five different cameras with five different lenses and positioned them all on the counter of the store as it were a buffet. Dan knew how to shoot with a camera, how to get proper exposure, how to frame a shot, but Lexi worked each and every camera like a pro.

"Okay, these are your options." Lexi said as he finally stepped away from the lineup of cameras.

"I… I don't know which one to choose." Dan said staring at them blankly.

"Pick any one. Whatever you like." Lexi said waiting patiently.

Dan approached the counter and stared at his options. He honestly did not know which one to choose. He reached out his hand but then quickly retracted it.

"Come on, they aren't snakes." Lexi said.

She walked up beside him picked up the Leica S2 and handed it to Dan. "Where, what do you think of this one?"

Dan held the weighty camera in his hands and peaked into the viewfinder. He clicked the shutter a couple of times. The camera felt nice, it was solid, and Dan was impressed with the design.

"Whao! 30 thousand dollars?" Dan said as he looked at the price tag. "I can't afford this."

Lexi gave Dan a knowing stare.

"Okay… technically I _can_ afford this." Dan corrected himself. "But it's a camera, it takes pictures. And I'm sure it takes fantastic pictures. But 30 thousand dollars? "

Serena sat in her room at the Waldorf's contemplating what she had just learned. She knew it shouldn't be a big deal but somehow she felt lied to. Not because that Dan didn't tell her these things as they were happening but because he didn't bring it up when they were in LA. She thought they were truly reconnecting. Why would he leave this giant part of his life unsaid in their conversations? She knew he loved her, it was in his nature to love her. But how much had he really changed and why was he pretending that things were normal? For the first time in her life, Serena felt inadequate. What if she wasn't enough for Dan? What if she was too safe? Too sheltered? All this time she had the idea in her head that Dan felt like he wasn't strong enough for her. But what if she wasn't strong enough for him?

Her cellphone beeped. Serena picked it up and checked the message.

_Hey boys and girls,_

_Gossip Girl here, looks like Brooklyn's favorite bad boy writer is out shopping for a new camera. But be careful lonelyboy, I've got cameras too. And I'm always watching. And who's that pretty little brunette you're with? Oh that's right, Lexi, you think I forgot? I never forget. Xoxo_


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: I can't believe you guys didn't remember Lexi! Okay, I can kinda believe it. She was only there for one episode. But she left an impression on me (obviously). Anyways, thank you again to everyone who has been reviewing my story. I appreciate each and every one of them. And to everyone who has recently started following this story, glad to have your all aboard. Thank you all and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_Dan and Lexi made their way into Central Park. The Leica S2 hung around his neck proudly as the occasionally in-the-know hobby photographer stopped in their tracks to gaze at the marvel Dan was sporting. Dan knew cameras but did not quite understand what he had just purchased. After all, his last camera was one of Vanessa's hand-me-downs. The sun was just past noon and the lighting conditions were decent enough for a few good pictures and to get himself acquainted with the camera he had been shooting pictures of his surroundings and Lexi all day long._

_Lexi ran up to the foundation and posed. Dan snapped a few pictures from a few different angles. Lexi then ran back to see the previews._

"_Wow… that's gorgeous." Lexi commented._

"_It really is." Dan added._

_Lexi looked up at Dan. "I meant the picture quality."_

"_Yeah… so did I." Dan said. _

_Dan found them a bench while Lexi went to grab a drink for Dan and her. She came back and threw the bottle at Dan. Dan barely caught it, memories of T-Ball flashed through his head like a nightmare. She sat down beside him, they both cracked open their drinks and with a mutual friendly smile they consumed their first sips._

"_So…" Lexi began. "You and Serena again."_

"_Yeah, yeah." Dan said. "Me and Serena again."_

"_How'd that happen?" Lexi asked._

"_Well… She found one of my stories about her. I guess that triggered it." Dan replied._

"_So a cheesy love letter and all of the sudden the last 5 years are forgiven?" Lexi asked._

"_How do you know…" Dan stopped, trying to gather why she would know such things._

"_Jenny told me." Lexi answered. "The Serena I met at the Snowflake ball was as nice as could be admittedly. But at the same time… what she did to Aaron and everything that's happened, half of it being on Gossip Girl anyways… Are you sure about this?"_

"_Ummm…" Dan stumbled on his words._

"_I only ask because Jenny's concerned about you." Lexi added._

"_Well Jenny and Serena aren't exactly on the best of terms." Dan said._

"_Jenny told me that she and Serena basically worked everything out." Lexi said. "But still… you don't think that's a problem?"_

"_That Jenny and Serena worked things out?" Dan asked confused._

"_The fact that they had such a long standing feud I mean." Lexi said. "Look, I don't mean to pry too much into your life but help me understand why someone after globetrotting and gallivanting for the last two years of his life would want back into that world? I get the appeal when you're a hopeful adolescent, but from what I've read of your work… you've seen the world and you've experienced things those people would never understand."_

"_And you understand?" Dan asked._

"_Look Dan, me and Aaron grew up on the Upper East Side." Lexi answered. "We left for a reason. And I thought you did too."_

"_I did." Dan said. "I wanted the experience. I wanted to see the world; not through a computer screen or the pages of a magazine. I wanted to see it with my own eyes."_

"_And?" Lexi asked._

_Dan paused for a moment as he played with the focus ring of the camera._

"_It was incredible…" Dan finally said._

"_So what are you doing back here?" Lexi asked._

_Dan looked up from his camera. "You know… Just a week ago I was going to get out for good. I had everything ready, I was about to move out to Los Angeles and start fresh."_

Dan played with his napkin as he waited for Serena to arrive. Lexi's words ran through his mind over and over again. _Why did he come back? What did I really miss about this place? Was it all just for Serena?_ It was true that he hadn't thought about it much. But that was just because he was scared. And he didn't want to confront the issues that he had ignored for so long. He could ignore them because he had more pressing concerns for the last two years, _when is the next time I'm going to eat? How long until we can get this fresh water to the village?_ I hope my editor won't mind that I exceeded the word limit on this story. But now, he was back here, with Serena, and all of their very real issues that seemed so far away inched their way close with each passing hour.

A hand landed on his shoulder and snapped him out of his trance. It was Serena, blonde and beautiful as ever. She gave him a melancholy smile. Dan stood up to greet him with a kiss. Serena's smile sat there on her face like a hidden message. She sat down opposite to him and pulled out her phone. Dan plopped himself down in his chair.

"So, Lexi's back in town." Serena said with a not-all-too-enthusiastic voice.

"Yeah, she's Jenny's new roommate." Dan said.

"Please tell me she didn't try to bed you again." Serena said.

"Serena… c'mon." Dan pleaded.

"I know, I know." Serena said. "I'm sorry, but as if things weren't complicated enough with us."

"Complicated?" Dan asked. "What do you mean? I thought we were good."

Serena paused for a second and looked away.

"I found…" Serena started. "You're newspaper and magazine articles. Blair showed them to me."

Dan chuckled slightly. "Okay… they aren't some kind of secret, not to brag but plenty of people read those stories."

"I know…" Serena said. "But why didn't you tell me about all of this."

"I didn't think it was a big deal." Dan said. "I was going to tell you eventually. It just didn't seem right to bring up all that stuff in LA. We had enough to deal with there."

"No, I know." Serena explained. "I mean… why didn't you tell me then."

"Then?" Dan asked.

"When this was all happening." Serena answered. "You were in New York on the weekends. I saw you at the penthouse having lunch with Rufus and my mom. You were going to the movies with Blair. You were hanging out with Jenny and Eric. You even played soccer with Nate. Did you tell them?"

Dan sighed, he knew they were going to eventually have this talk. He just didn't want it to be this soon. The waiter came by with the water and filled up their glasses. Serena and Dan both have him a half smile.

"Yes. I did tell them." Dan finally answered. "But what was I going to do? Not tell them why I had been MIA for two weeks at a time? Why I wasn't attending class? They would get suspicious."

"But not me." Serena added. "You assumed I wouldn't be suspicious. You didn't even think of me when you decided that you were gonna travel half way around the world and play Indiana Jones."

"Well I thought of myself more of a James Bond type." Dan joked.

"Dan!" Serena yelled.

"I'm sorry." Dan said. "It was a joke."

"You just assumed I didn't care…" Serena said.

Dan paused again and closed his eyes. He rubbed his face with his hands and prepared himself for the difficult words.

"You didn't…" Dan said softly. "You didn't care…"

"That's not true!" Serena interjected.

"Really? Serena? Because I didn't tell them at first, they had to ask me." Dan said. "They all ended up asking me why I was missing class. Why I would go missing for weeks at a time."

Serena was speechless. Those words hurt. They hurt because they were true.

"Serena. I wasn't going to pretend like you cared what was happening in the Congo. I wasn't going to bore you with stories about heroin trade in Afghanistan. As much drama as there is in the Upper East Side, things are pretty perfect here." Dan said. "Did you really want to hear about my grimy adventures in the mud half way around the world?"

Tears started to form in Serena's eyes. Dan quickly saw this and tried to remedy the situation.

"Can… can we just not talk about this?" Dan asked. "We should order something."

"Dan…" Serena said with a quivering voice.

"Look, I don't want to upset you." Dan said.

"Maybe I should be upset." Serena said. "That you didn't trust me. I was there, I was right there, every weekend, at Blair's, at the penthouse…"

"Really Serena?" Dan asked. "You either had a date every Saturday night or had a test to study for."

"So what? Just because I had a life I was being punished?" Serena asked.

"No, I wasn't punishing you. I wasn't punishing you…" Dan said. "You're right. You had a life. I just wasn't a part of it."

They both just sat there in an uncomfortable silence. The waiter came back and they ordered their food. The wine came and they ate in silence. Dan tried to talk but every time he began to speak he could see that Serena was visibly upset. The worst part was, he wasn't sure why.

"So what does this mean for us?" Serena said after gathering herself. "All that progress we made back in LA? We're right back where we started?"

"I don't know." Dan replied simply.

"Dan, I want this to work." Serena said. "I'm trying…"

"I know you are." Dan said. "And I'm trying too."

"Dan, I need you to trust me." Serena said.

Dan paused for a moment. "I do."

"You don't and you're lying to me right now." Serena said.

"Well what am I supposed to do Serena? As much as we want to start over, we can't. You're not a stranger to me anymore. You left me for Colin when you asked me out in the first place. When I was trying to spare your feelings after we broke up during senior year, you decided that it was better for me that everyone in schooled ignored me. You decided to cut out Blair, Chuck, me, and Nate when we were trying to tell you about your father. Remember that? You were vicious Serena…" Dan stopped when he realized what he had said.

Serena began to cry into her hands.

"I'm sorry Serena…" Dan said. "I didn't mean to."

"Is that what you think of me?" Serena cried out. "You think I'm a monster?"

Dan stopped and closed his eyes; he wanted to be very careful with what he said next.

"Serena… you have the capacity to hurt people like no other, not even Blair." Dan said. "And it is hard… for me… because I've tried not to blame you for any of this… and I'm still trying… I'm trying very hard…"

Serena looked at him with tears in her eyes. Her gaze, hoping that Dan would open his eyes and look at her. He did, but it hurt him to see the pain in her eyes.

"I'm trying to be a man about this…" Dan said slowly. "But trusting you… just doesn't come naturally anymore…"

Dan sat there looking into Serena's sorrowful eyes. He could tell that his words were doing more harm than good. How could he fix this? How could _they _fix this?


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Again there have been an influx of people following the story and I just want to say hi to all of you. And tell you guys, everyone who is reviewing my story, that I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

_Her tears made an earnest effort to break through the wall of her mascara. Some of them even made it through. The gentle rising and falling of her chest caused by her discontent was accented by the faintness of her weakened breaths. She had no strength; it took all of her composure to sit still in front of him. Had he landed the final blow? He had reached the point of no return? It was not his intention to hurt her. But honesty and pain were known to be good acquaintances at times, even friends._

"_I'm sorry…" He said with the softest of which his soul had only meant to express._

_She said nothing. She couldn't speak. Her eyes empty and dull; she could not look at him, though she was not looking away. Had her walls finally come down? Had she no more fight left in her?_

"_No…" The words flew out of her lips with only the slightest of movements. "I'm sorry…"_

_He could only wait. It didn't feel like it was his turn. He had said much and hurt her much more. What could his words do now?_

"_Dan…." Serena spoke gently. "I don't know what to say…"_

"_You don't have to say anything Serena…" Dan replied._

Edmund folded the paper back into a nice little square that it came delivered in. He thought about how to say what he was going to say without eliciting the reaction that he suspected Dan of having. But he had always been an honest man, often to his detriment.

"Dan…" Edmund started. "What is this?"

Dan turned around to look at Edmund sitting on the top of the stairway shelter.

"What, no good?" Dan asked.

"I don't know what you're trying to say…" Edmund responded. "This… whatever this is… not your best work."

The rooftop was surprisingly cold for a summer night. Again, in an unfamiliar part of the city he had known his whole life; he looked down at the world he lived in with yet another new perspective. It had always been Edmund who starved to see the world at every possible angle; Dan was just along for the ride.

"You're gonna believe that these are problems?" Edmund asked, half rhetorically. "Jesus Christ Dan, from what I can tell, she's really sorry… and she's really making an effort. Why are you making it so hard on her?"

"I'm not…" Dan spoke.

"Really? Because it really sounds to me like you want her, no you need her to know what she did to you." Edmund said. "As if she needs to feel bad for the last few years."

"You don't know Serena…" Dan said. "It's not that simple with her…"

"Oh really?" Edmund said as he jumped off of the staircase shelter. "Are they not simple in the same way that Antonio and Vicky were?"

"Fuck you!" Dan said as he pushed Edmund back. "We don't talk about that!"

"No fuck you Dan." Edmund stood his ground and said. "You're just gonna pretend like that never happened for the rest of your life?"

"You were the one that dragged me away from that!" Dan said.

"What happened was a tragedy. I'm not arguing that. But you've been punishing yourself ever since." Edmund said.

"How the hell am I supposed to feel damn it?" Dan said as he swung at Edmund.

"No. Look, Dan, I know it was our unspoken rule that during our travels that we, not me, not Vicky, not Antonio, would ever ask you about your past." Edmund said. "We get that you didn't want to think about New York. But now, what happened out there is affecting what you do here. You can't ignore that."

"I don't know what you're talking about…" Dan uttered.

"Jesus Dan. You have to know, you are not Antonio, and Serena is not Vicky." Edmund said. "I want you to stop beating yourself up. Serena would never do to you what Vicky did to Antonio. And you would never hurt Serena."

He paused for a second and put his hand on Dan's shoulder. "I'm sure of it. You can't live with their guilt on your conscience forever. It'll eat you up alive. It's already starting to…"

Dan sat down on the edge of the roof.

"Look, I felt what you felt too. You can't keep punishing yourself for it. It wasn't your fault. And don't… don't ruin what you have with Serena over it." Edmund said. "Anyways, just think about it… how much does Serena mean to you."

"I thought…" Dan began to speak. "If I could just keep her at arm's length… it wouldn't hurt so much."

Edmund sat down on the cold floor.

"She loves you…" Edmund said. "It's hard watching you be an idiot from a distance. She loves you. And you love her. Everything you've ever written has a hint of her in it. Even now, the words you don't write speak louder than the ones you put on the page."

"I'd rather she love someone else." Dan said.

"I know you do you stupid little fuck. Of course you do." Edmund responded. "But you don't realize how fucking lucky you are. And I'm not just talking about how beautiful and enchanting Serena is. I'm not talking about her money or social status."

Edmund stopped as the soft voice of his own beloved ran through his head, now nothing but a faint memory.

"Don't make the same mistakes that I've made…" Edmund said. "Serena thinks the world of you. And yes sometimes it seems that she's unfocused and doesn't know what she wants. And she probably doesn't. But she's sure of you. Even if she doesn't realize it yet."

Edmund looked up at the night sky. He could just barely make up the crack of dawn. He got up and started to walk away.

"Trust me Dan. You don't want to end up like me." Edmund said his farewells.

Dan looked up but Edmund had already made his exit. At the edge of the rooftop of a 10 story building, Dan realized that Edmund was right. He had been a coward. And he knew deep in his heart that Serena didn't mean to hurt him. She just had that kind of an effect on him.

Dan arrived at the loft at the crack of dawn. He ran to the counter and flipped through the mail. He found the envelope marked _Blair_ and cracked it open. _Good, right on time_, Dan thought. He tilted the envelope and keys rolled into his hands.

Serena had cried herself to sleep that night. She held tightly onto the covers as the words Dan said still reeled in her mind. She didn't realize what she had done to him. And he didn't understand why he didn't just tell her. Did he think that she really didn't care for him at all? Did he think that she thought he was worthless? _I would've listened_, she thought. But in truth she wasn't sure if she actually would have.

Her phone rang. It was too early for any of her usual calls. She grabbed her phone and managed to open her eyes. It was Dan.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Serena. I need you to meet me." Dan said over the phone.

"Right now?" Serena said lamenting the daylight and her lack of sleep.

"Yes, right now." Dan said. "I'll text you the address."

It took Serena nearly an hour to get ready and to cab down to the location. It wasn't too far from the Upper East Side and was in close proximity to Columbia. She entered the lobby and made her way to the elevator. She followed Dan's directions until she reached the top floor of the building and stepped into the space. The early morning sun poured into the room. The white curtains billowed as the wind came rushing into the room. Dan stood in the entrance way. Serena smiled her melancholy smile from last night. She was glad to see him but also very emotionally worn out from the night before.

"Hey." Dan simply said.

"Hey." Serena greeted him with a warm smile.

Dan approached her slowly and placed his hand on hers.

"Serena, I need to tell you something and I need for you to not interrupt me." Dan said.

Serena started to worry but nodded in agreement.

"I've spent the last two years running away from this world because no matter what I did. I never felt like I belonged here. Despite everything that has happened, with the book, with my dad and your mom, graduating NYU, attending these fancy parties every other weekend; I still felt like an outsider." Dan said.

Serena was about to cut in but Dan gave her the look and she stopped and remembered her promise.

"But it was never you. You never made me feel that way." Dan said. "You were always there, looking at me, as if there I was, not through me to the next person. And I never understood that. And that scared me."

Dan paused and looked down to compose his thoughts.

"I get the feeling that you don't quite understand why I love you either, even after everything that happened with Colin, Nate, Aaron… Cristiano Ronaldo." Dan said. "Serena, every time you smile at me, my heart melts. Every time you kiss me, all my defenses come crumbling down. My happiest moment wasn't when I was first published in the New Yorker, it was the look on your face when I handed you the original copy of 10.8.05 and you realized what it was about."

Serena smiled that smile when she first read the story.

"I love you Serena." Dan said. "And I guess, I had been living with the idea that I didn't need you to love me back for so long that I forgot what it was like to be in a relationship. I didn't need you and I didn't want you to love me back. I thought I would just be okay loving you from a distance and making sure your life was perfect."

"And?" Serena asked. "What changed your mind?"

"I realized… tonight, on a rooftop of some strange part of the city that I've never been to." Dan said. "That you love me."

"Well of course I love—" Serena began to say.

"No, that you truly love me. Not the way you loved Nate, or Carter, or any of those guys. It became clear to me… that that look you always give me." Dan said. "Is the same one I give to you…"

"I can't help how I feel Dan…" Serena said.

"I know and neither can I." Dan replied. "But I realized, if I truly want to make you happy. You need to be with me. I've been so wrapped up in the daunting idea of how much you mean to me that I've never realized that you've felt the same way about me."

Serena closed his mouth with a kiss. A kiss to stop the constant spew of words that would make her never want to leave his side. A kiss to make sure that she didn't start to cry, even if it was in joy. A kiss to tell him how much she loved him because she didn't have the words to say it like Dan did.

When they broke their kiss Dan closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. "And I know, that we have things to talk about." Dan said. "But I don't want you to—"

"Dan." Serena interrupted. "We're not doing this."

"What?" Dan asked.

"We're not just going to pretend everything I did to you for the past 5 years is okay." Serena answered. "I don't want you to protect me from myself. Not anymore and if we're gonna make this work. I have to and I want you to let me… love you, properly."

Serena paused for a second.

"Dan, I love you and I'm so glad that you can finally see past me and look at yourself." Serena said. "But it's time I did the same. It's time… I made it up to you. I don't want you to forgive me. Not like this, not like every other time. I want to work for it…"

Dan looked down, slightly shocked at the clarity of Serena's words.

"Well, okay, that sounds good." Dan said as he reached out and gave Serena another gentle kiss. A silence fell between them. And in that silence Dan and Serena felt safe.

"So what do you think of this place?" Dan asked. "Blair helped find it for me."

"It's amazing and beautiful." Serena replied with a smile.

"This is my new apartment." Dan said.

"Congratulations!" Serena said as she threw her arms around him and hugged him.

"And these are your keys…" Dan said as he placed a cold metal object in her hand. "If you'll have them."

Serena opened her hand and looked at it; she then looked up at Dan with an expression of elation. "Are you asking me to move in?"

Dan smiled at Serena. "Yes, I'm asking you to move in."

As Serena was just about to blurt out a big yes, Dan cut her off.

"But before you answer, I need to…" Dan slowed down his words. "I need to tell you something and if you're answer changes after this… I understand."


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: First I feel like I have to apologize, I know at this point in the story Serena and Dan are pretty much unrecognisable from their TV counterparts. But I don't think I'm talented enough a writer to reconcile their TV selves from what I've written. And for that I apologize and I just want you guys to know that_ I know_ that these characters aren't really the Serena and Dan from the show any more. Anyways, thank you guys for your wonderful reviews as always, you guys inspire me and this is all for you.

_The words stung like a rotting wound. And indeed in many ways that's exactly what it was. It would haunt him for the rest of his life. Little did he know how true that was. I think you're full of shit, who do you think you are, you think you're special? The words circled his mind like vultures, pecking away at his sanity. You think we're special? You think you're a tough guy? You can't handle a woman like me._

"_Stop it!" He yelled with the rage of a man betrayed._

_The rain poured down like sheets. It coated his face from his brow to his chin. But the gun was water proof, it wasn't something he especially wanted, it just worked out that way._

_Shivering and cold the expression on her face was anything than what it was a few moments ago when she let out those devastating words. She thought she was invincible. But with a loaded gun pointed directly at her, she realized how wrong she was. Fear, the most basic of emotions enveloped her like the rain._

_She cheated on Antonio, she thought she could get away with it, she thought she could control him. She didn't realize how far she had pushed him; how far a man could go when placed in a corner and kicked around._

_It was a lonely bridge, but perhaps that was just because of the rain. The lights of the city were obscured by the amount of water falling from the sky. Vicky stood silently just a few feet away from Antonio. Dan and Edmund stunned by the sudden turn of events watched helplessly as their two friends brought each other to the point of breaking. _

_There were no words exchanged. And because of it, the sound of the rain and the distant sounds of traffic filled their ears. They listened as if to listen for the voice of God, to save them from themselves, to make them whole again, to wash away the pain because clearly the rain wasn't doing the job. And though Vicky was terrified and stood helplessly praying for her life when Antonio looked into her eyes he was nothing different. She was still mocking him. She still pitied him._

_And that made him angry._

_And with the rage he had only displayed in his cage fights, he pulled the trigger with conviction of his burgeoning madness. _

_A loud bang was heard, or it wasn't, maybe it was too loud, Dan didn't know. But he saw everything in slow motion. The rain almost completely stopped. Blood sprayed from the entry point on Vicky's chest. Her face, not an expression of fear but one of shock, her eyes rolled up into her skull. The force of the bullet pushed her back and she collapsed on the railing of the bridge._

"_No!" Dan managed to yell finally, but he was too late. He was too late to save her. He had always been in love with Vicky. But she chose Antonio. Or at least she did until tonight. And the truth is as much as he wanted to save her, he felt Antonio's pain, he felt the pain of betrayal. He, by his inaction, condoned Antonio and the gun he held._

_Antonio approached her. He grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her up to his face. His breath stung her face as if fire from a dragon's mouth._

"_I'm sorry…" She whimpered. "I'm so sorry…"_

_But Antonio wasn't listening anymore. Maybe she was truly sorry, maybe she was truly repentant, but it made no difference to Antonio anymore. He was made less than a man by her. She must now face the consequences._

_He picked her up and pointed the gun point blank at her skull and as the tears rolled down her cheek, he waited for the weakest most desperate expression to dawn on her face before he finally pulled the trigger again. He let go of her shirt and as the force of the gunshot forced her over the railings, Antonio simply stood and watched as she fell into the river to her watery death. _

_He raised the gun without saying a word and pointed it Dan and Edmund. Dan and Edmund had nothing to say, couldn't speak, they had yet to process what had just happened. They had been travel partners for nearly a year now. They had survived the heroin road, the malaria of the Congo, the civil war in Libya, how did it come to this? How could a friendship like this be torn apart so quickly and so devastatingly?_

_Dan cried but he had no breath to make it audible. And the rain masked his tears. How he wished Antonio could see his expression. How he wish he could make him understand. But in truth, he didn't understand. He saw the anger in Antonio's eyes and it struck him like a hammer. He understood more and more what Antonio was feeling and it overwhelmed in his logical mind. He understood his pain and he begun to understand his anger… That terrified Dan._

_Dan wished he had pulled the trigger right then and there, if only to abolish his own pain and to appease Antonio's rage._

_But Antonio didn't shoot at Dan or Edmund. He simply climbed up onto the railings and as wet as the day he left his mother's womb he pointed the gun at his own temple and with the swiftness of his punches and kicks punched a hole in his brain with his revolver._

_The blood rolled down his opposite ear. He stood as though nothing had happened for what seemed like an eternity before himself, or rather his lifeless body, plunged into the river to join Vicky._

"_Antonio!" Dan yelled as he ran to the railing._

_He peaked over the ledge but he was gone, washed away by the river's current._

"_No!" He managed to yell through the water that had been soaking his clothes, filling his shoes and pockets._

_He was in no condition to say anything coherent. He, on his knees prayed to a god he did not know for relief. Save us, Dan silently cried to the sky, hoping someone, anyone would listen. _

_In his delirium Dan balled his hand up into a fist and smashed it against the concrete pavement. Blood and rain mixed. But the water did not wash away the blood from his hands. What chance did their sins have then?_

_There was a tug on his shoulder. He turned viciously. Edmund did not speak. He just began to drag Dan._

"_What the fuck are you doing?" Dan yelled at him. "Antonio and Vicky are down there!"_

"_We have to go!" Edmund yelled at the top of his lungs._

"_We can't leave them!" Dan yelled back._

"_They're dead Dan! They're dead!" Edmund pleaded with Dan._

"_No! We have to help them… we have to…" Dan's voice faded as he dropped to his knees._

_The water increased, the rain had only gotten worse. On his knees, with his heart in his throat, and a broken hand, Dan knew what it was like to be alone. Abandoned by all things and all peoples, to be without the grace of God, without the companionship of friends, and the love of… her; how far you have fallen, Dan thought to himself, a million miles from New York. Did you find what you were looking for?_

The breath returned to his lungs after a long absence. He opened his eyes slowly. The rain had stopped; he was back in his apartment, Serena's hand on his. He hesitated but looked up at her. How beautiful she was. But the chill that ran down his spine hadn't completely left yet. He still felt cold.

"Edmund eventually managed to drag me away before the police came." Dan slowly started to say with what energy he had left.

Serena said nothing; she knew there was nothing she could say.

After a long pause Dan continued: "The worst part was… I understood perfectly what Antonio was feeling. That stinging sense of betrayal, I allowed him to do it… I allowed him to kill her…"

"No Dan…" Serena whispered as she put her hand on his chin and turned his face towards hers.

They just sat there, on the king size bed in his bedroom; tears in his eyes, tears that triggered hers.

"I don't want that to be us…" Dan began to cry. "I don't want to hurt you…"

"Dan…" Serena began to say as she put her hand on his cheek, giving him her warm for he so desperately needed it right then. "You would never hurt me… you would never hurt me."

"Serena… I…" Dan tried to find the words. "I allowed… it, I could've saved her…. But I didn't…"

Serena reached over and hugged him. "No Dan, it was not your fault."

"I don't want to hurt you Serena…" Dan cried. "I don't… please…"

Serena laid him down on the bed. She hovered over him gently stroking his hair. He was shivering as if the cold of that night's rain had never left him.

"Please… save yourself…" Dan whispered.

Serena looked into his eyes and smiled, her tears were coming as well. "I am…" She said comfortingly. "But I'm going to save you too."

She leaned over and gently kissed him.

"You don't see it do you?" Serena whispered, her face just inches away from his. "You truly don't see the man you've become…"

"No I see." Dan spoke. "I've become a monster…"

"No Dan." Serena continued to whisper. "A monster doesn't take his greatest trial and turn it into courage. A monster doesn't take his wounds and turn them into great art. A monster doesn't give his heart away and expect nothing in return…"

Dan said nothing. Serena's body pressed against him started to warm his core. The memories of that night started to fade slowly, for the first time in years.

"A monster… doesn't fear who he might become. A monster doesn't fear for his soul." Serena whispered. "But your soul is safe, Dan."

Serena smiled at him.

"With me." She finished as she gently guided his hand up to her chest and placed his palm on her beating heart.

She slowly helped him up. She then slid herself behind him and wrapped her legs around his waist. She slowly wrapped her arms around him from behind and hugged him gently but tightly. She kissed his neck and let her warm breath roll down to his chest. Her hands traveled underneath his shirt and began to rub his chest. It was cold and he was still shivering. She needed to warm him up. She knew she could. Her kisses traveled all the way up to his ear. She nuzzled him and tightened the grip of her legs and her arms.

They said nothing to each other, but their synchronized breathing told each other that they were safe, in each other's embrace. Her hands traveled up to his head and she played with his hair as she continued to kiss his neck.

"So when I can move my stuff in?" She whispered into his ear.

Dan turned around and looked at Serena. He stared at her, confused and amazed. She stared back with an inviting smile and an unspoken reassurance.

He sat there looking at this wonderfully kind woman in front of him and tried to figure out who she was. _Is this really Serena?_ He thought to himself. _Who is this angel? And what have I done to deserve her?_

Again, he silently pleaded with her, hoping she would sense his fears, _leave, please leave…_

"How can you still love me?" Dan asked in a soft voice, the most earnest question he had ever asked.

Serena simply smiled as she had always smiled at him. She leaned over and kissed him again.

"How can I not love you?" She asked back.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: No plot chapter! Be warned! And thanks for the reviews as always. I love reading them.

The sun finally started to set. Although the air conditioner was on the blistering summer sun was still noticeable inside Dan's new apartment. Her hand reached across Dan's stomach and hugged him tightly as the cool of the night started to affect her. She was worried about him. She was worried about his physical wellbeing. He seemed sick when he told the story and it took her nearly an hour to calm him down. So instead, Serena and Dan just stayed in bed all day long. Neither one of them moving very much, neither one of them saying very much either.

Serena leaned her head on the back of his shoulders. Dan had slept for most of the day. Serena had been too anxious. She needed to make sure he was okay. The first hour after he had fallen asleep Serena spent it rummaging around the new apartment for something to use as a puke bucket if the situation were to come up.

Serena had never had to care for anyone like this before. Sure there were times in her youth, during her wild and free phase that she puked on sidewalks and often needed someone to hold her hair, so she often returned the favor, but not like this. She wasn't just being courteous now, she wasn't just being kind, she _needed_ him to be okay. She _needed_ him to get well.

For the first time in her life, she was worried for someone's life, not out of guilt, or habit, or fear… but because she loved him.

After she had found a few buckets from the previous tenant and placed them near Dan's side of the bed she went into the bathroom. She grabbed one of Dan's t-shirts from his suitcase that he had brought with him earlier in the morning. She looked at herself in the mirror and stared at herself long and hard. Was she strong enough to do this? She wanted to be. Did she have enough love to see this through? She felt like she did. Could she love Dan the way that he loved her? She earnestly wanted to try.

She saw something in her own eyes. A glow, almost a twinkle, whatever it was it gave her the idea that she would rather be nowhere else. The apartment was empty, the bathroom needed remodeling, the air conditioning was either too cold or not strong enough in parts of the apartment, but she'd rather be nowhere else. Not Santorini, not Paris, not Madrid, not Buenos Aires… She peaked out of the bathroom at Dan sleeping on the bed, she'd wish she had been here long ago.

Serena got undressed and slipped into his t-shirt and jumped back into bed. She smiled as she slowly wrapped her arms around him. As her arms gently closed around his stomach, his hand, by instinct, placed itself over hers.

Dan woke up in a daze. Slightly sweaty and out of breath, he pushed himself up to a sitting position. Serena was alarmed by the sudden movement. She sat up and put her hand on his back. He recoiled sharply.

"I'm sorry Serena." Dan panted. "I'm really sweaty…"

Serena gave him a sarcastic look. "Dan, it's okay."

Dan didn't say anything. It took him a few moments to completely regain his senses.

"What happened?" Serena asked.

"I'm sorry… I had a dream about that night." Dan said as he looked at his sweaty palms. "I'm sorry Serena, I know you didn't sign up for this. This wasn't how I wanted you to spend your first night here."

"Dan." Serena said as she laid him back down onto his pillow. "I want to be here. I want to be nowhere else."

Dan smiled faintly as Serena leaned over and gently kissed him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She whispered.

"There's nothing to talk about." Dan said. "I think it will just take time for the feeling to go away."

"Dan, it's been nearly a year…" Serena said.

"I know, I know…" Dan said. "I will beat this… I just need… time."

Serena smiled at him. "There's no rush. I'll be right here, always."

Serena hovered over him. She looked away and asked. "So, tell me about Vicky."

"Serena…" Dan whispered. "She wasn't you…"

"I know." Serena said as she turned to look at him.

"You don't have to worry. I love you… and only you." Dan said.

"I know." Serena smiled. "I'm not worried about that. I just to know what affect she had on you?"

Dan sat up. "She was just… free and confident… and lively. She was fearless, always the first to say yes to adventure, always to first to throw her heart into something… maybe that was the problem…"

Serena stared at him as he tried to find the words without bringing back too many painful memories.

"Her heart floated… it never stayed in one place for too long." Dan said. "Her freedom was more important than love to her I guess…"

"Did she cheat on Antonio…" Serena began to ask. "with you?"

Dan looked at Serena startled. "No!" He turned away again. "She thought I was too sheltered, too pampered. I guess I spent a year of my life trying to prove to her that I wasn't. But she never saw me that way, no matter how hard I tried. She loved Antonio… and to this day I still believe it."

"How can you love someone and hurt them so much?" Serena asked.

"That's what scares me Serena. That's what keeps me up at night. That's why these nightmares keep returning." Dan explained. "I'm scared of the things people do to each other. I used to believe that if you were in love, it was this shield against all the terrible things people do to each other. But that's not true is it?"

"No, it's not." Serena said as she thought of Blair and Chuck.

"I'm afraid for us." Dan said. "I don't want to hurt you…"

Serena wrapped her arms around him. "I think what you meant to say is that you don't want me to hurt you… all you have to do is ask."

Dan leaned his head against hers.

"I can't…" He whispered.

"Dan. I can love you." She whispered. "But you have to know the only way love works is we care about each other, and when that happens there's always going to be the potential of being hurt."

"I thought…" Dan said. "If I could love you from a distance, that… you would never be hurt and I would never be hurt…"

"Is that true Dan?" Serena asked. "When I was dating Nate, what about when I was dating Carter?"

"I tried not to think about it." Dan answered.

"You may very well have enough love for the both of us." Serena said, almost starting to sound like Lily. "But that's what I want. I want to love you back."

"What about when you found me in Blair's dorm room with Georgina?" Dan asked.

"That was actually kinda funny." Serena answer with a light smile.

"Alright… I get the point." Dan smiled.

"No wait…" Serena said. "That doesn't mean I liked seeing you with Vanessa or Ivy… Dan, you have to know that I cared."

Dan mustered up a smile.

"You don't believe me." Serena said.

"No I do." Dan tried to say.

"No, you don't…" Serena said.

"Okay, maybe this is just me being a baby, but I really had a hard time seeing you with Colin and Ben. But when I was with Vanessa… you didn't care." Dan said.

"That's not true." Serena said.

Dan fell silent.

"Dan… all I can say is I'm sorry." Serena said. "If I could I would go back and change everything… but I can't."

"That means a lot to me Serena." Dan finally said. "And thank you for apologizing. I just didn't want to be a self-absorbed jerk about everything."

Serena pushed him back onto the bed and mounted him. She neared her face to his.

"You loving me does not make you a self-absorbed jerk." Serena whispered.

Serena reached over and stroked his hair. They stared silently into each other's eyes. There breathes mixing as they exhaled in sync. Dan reached down and slid his hands underneath his t-shirt and Serena's back. Her eyes sparkled with excitement. Their lips neared and just as they were about to touch there was a knock on the door. Serena and Dan turned to see who it was. The door opened and a large man came in with several boxes.

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." He said as he looked away.

Serena dismounted Dan. "No, it's okay."

Two other men appeared with a few more boxes.

"Where should we put these?" The second mover asked.

"Just… anywhere is fine." Dan said as he got out of bed. "Is that everything?"

"Everything for today." The first mover said.

"Yeah, I have some furniture for this place and the rest of my wardrobe coming tomorrow if that's okay with you." Serena asked.

"Of course" Dan said as he wrapped his arms around Serena.

"Do you guys need us for anything else?" The mover asked.

"No, I think we can take it from here." Dan answered.

"Okay, well you two have a good night." He said as he signaled the other movers to head out.

"Night." Both Dan and Serena said simultaneously. They looked at each other and finally their completely their interrupted kiss.

Serena's phone rang. They broke their kiss and looked at it. Serena grabbed it off the counter and they both checked the message.

_This just in boys and girls,_

_It seems that lonelyboy and our very own princess have made it official. Spotted at the corner of 101__st__ and West End Ave, moving trucks with Serena's goods, looks like our famous author and Manhattan's favorite blonde are finally moving in together. Can't way to see how long this lasts._

_Xoxo Gossip Girl_

"Pfffhh." Serena laughed as she tossed the phone aside and wrapped her arms around Dan's neck and kissed him. "Now where were we?"

"Unpacking…" Dan said with an air of disappointment. "If we don't do it now…"

Serena flashed her disappointment smile. "Our first cohabitation challenge."

"We'll get through it, easy." Dan reassured her. "How about you order us some food and I'll get started on your boxes."

"I don't want to leave you alone with all of this." Serena said leaning on his chest.

"Serena…" Dan said as he held her in his arms. "I know this is going to be difficult. Trust me, I've lived with Vanessa. And this will have to be a partnership and we will work on that. And we will get through it. But these boxes are not a big deal. Just because I unpack your boxes doesn't mean we're gonna sink back into old habits."

"Okay…" Serena surrendered.

"Trust me Serena, we're going to be okay." Dan said.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: Fun little chapter. Be warned. Not much happens, not a must read. I had fun writing it though.

"I ordered Chinese. Is that okay?"

"That sounds great!"

_Don't walk behind me; _

_I may not lead. _

_Don't walk in front of me; _

_I may not follow. _

_Just walk beside me and be my friend._

_She stood there majestic and brave. For that was all that she was. Her greatest moment, unshared even unto me, she did not need the recognition. Nor did she seek it. What she needed was her friend. What she needed was to do what was right and noble. And without forethought, without absolution, without fear, she did what was right. What courage is this? I had not known. There, standing a blue coat, with heels, with the posture of a princess, she begged like a peasant._

"_What I know is what you felt when I left without telling you." Serena said with the conviction of her heart on full display._

"_Is there a reason you're here?" Blair asked with a tone of sarcastic defeat._

"_Stay. Don't let some stupid scandal make you run away like it did me" Serena pleaded. "Like it does everyone in our world."_

_Blair looked down in shame. "Everything's horrible. My whole life has fallen apart."_

"_So rebuild it." Serena continued. "You're a Waldorf remember? People don't tell you who you are, you tell them. Stay and fight. I'll fight with you."_

"_I'm so embarrassed." Blair started to cried. "I'm so—"_

"_So what?" Serena asked. "Start over. It can be done… I should know."_

_Serena paused for a brief moment._

"_We'll get through this together." Serena pleaded with her heart on full display hoping that Blair would understand. _

"_You promise?" Blair asked with a softness I had never known._

"_Promise." Serena replied simply._

_Serena reached over and gave to Blair what she needed most; a hug from a friend. And though she wasn't going to solve all of her problems for her, knowing that she would be there every step of the way Blair thanked the heavens that she had a friend such as Serena. Who else would put up with her? Who else could love her that much?_

Serena looked up from the page, stunned. She looked over into the living room. Dan was cutting open her boxes with an exacto knife. She held the pages close to her heart. Who was this man that knew her so completely? Who was this man who could love her so completely? She thought about it and realized that she could spend an eternity trying to figure it out.

She watched as he unpacked her boxes with the diligence of the boyfriends Cosmopolitan had described in articles that she knew well enough to realize they were nothing but fantasies. But then what was this? Where was she now? And who was Dan? Is she living in a fantasy? Had she been so lucky?

Why not?

She, more than ever, was up to the challenge. She could make him happy. She was willing to try. She was willing to fight. She had fought for Blair, she had fought for Eric, she had fought for Ben, and she had fought for Lily. So then why couldn't she fight for the one who has been fighting for her all along? He never asked, but he never asks for anything. He would fight for her until his dying breath and ask nothing of her.

Why would he do that?

Why not?

And could Serena love in him kind? For the first time, she realized that maybe she could. There was a strength inside of her that he has seen all along. He had made that clear for he had written about it.

_She placed her cheek on her shoulder trying to give her warmth, let body heat be her promise. I love you, Serena said with silent words, and I am right here._

_And with a silent stare, Blair felt her pain lifted. A smile came on her face and with a friend's help she said, "Stop guys, I'm going home."_

_They looked over at the helicopter and how close they had been to ruin and I stood there, several feet away in the shadows as I watched, this majestic woman with such courage and such strength save the most unsavable. How could I ever live up to that? How could I ever love, as Serena loves?_

There was a knock on the door.

Serena looked up and saw Dan standing there in front of her. She panicked and gathered the pages off the floor and stood up.

"I'm… I'm sorry Dan. I didn't mean to snoop through your stuff." Serena said embarrassed.

"Serena…" Dan said as he put his hands on her arms. "That story was about you. About something that didn't involve me nor should I have been there for."

Serena said nothing, she just waited.

"Do you think I'm mad? You should be mad at me for following you around that night." Dan said.

"No Dan, it's okay…" Serena said.

"I… I had all these stories about you. That I couldn't say…" Dan said.

"Dan, you can tell me everything." Serena said as she put her hands on his face.

"I know." Dan said. "I know that now." But back then… I was falling in love with you too fast. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings."

Dan paused for a second.

"So I wrote them down." Dan said as he sat down beside Serena and looked into the box of his hidden stories.

Serena put her hand on his arm as he flipped through the pages. She leaned her head against his and smiled. Dan without a word slid his hand around Serena's back and held her.

"I had no idea how you felt about me back then…" Serena said softly.

"I didn't exactly make it known back then either." Dan said.

"You think this all could've been avoided had you just told me all of this?" Serena asked. "Maybe we could've avoided the last six years…" Serena commented.

"Serena…" Dan started to say. "Why would I ever want that?"

Serena turned to Dan with a look of slight confusion. "You mean you don't regret all that has happened?"

Dan turned himself to face Serena. He reached over and brushed the golden strands of hair wisping around her face. The corners of her mouth let out a brief smile. Dan mirrored her expression.

"Serena from the day I first saw you…" Dan started to say. "You taught me to love."

"And every day since…" Dan continued. "You have taught me what it means to love."

Speechless Serena stood up. Her hand reached out and begged for Dan's. He responded and reached out too. She lead him to the bed and pushed him onto it. She mounted him and slowly leaned over. Her warm breath caressing his skin, he was under her control.

"I bet you say that to all the girls…" Serena wished as she leaned over and kissed him.

"Only to the girls that matter…" Dan replied.

Serena paused for a second. "Good answer." Serena said with a smirk.

And just as Serena was about to take off her shirt there was a knock on the door that caused her to slip and fall off the bed.

"Delivery."


	12. Chapter 12

Dan was the first to wake up. The sun poured in through the east facing window and being on the top floor, there wasn't much coverage from neighboring buildings. He rolled out of bed and caught himself right as he was about to plant his face on the ground. He did a couple of pushups to start the day, as he always did. After his usual round of 20 pushups, he was wide awake. It was better than coffee and it was right there, he never had to go into the kitchen to get it.

Dan found himself sitting on the ground next to the bed. There were still a few of his boxes lying around but most of them were Serena's. Most of her stuff that landed in the living room had been unboxed and put away last night but the bedroom still remained a mess. He opened one of the boxes just to see what was in-store for him today. Inside was his old camera. He rummaged through it and realized he had left his brand new Leica at the loft. _Oh well, this is good enough_, he thought to himself.

He swapped the broken lens off and replaced it with the 50mm that he rarely used. But at this point, it was his only option. He jumped on the bed and aimed the camera at Serena.

She heard the click. Even in her sleep she heard the click. Her eyes flapped open and she turned around to find Dan pointing his camera at her. She reached for the camera but Dan spun away and fired off another shot.

"Dan!" Serena whined. "It's way too early for this!"

"What? Memories?" Dan said as he positioned himself at the head of the bed and aimed the camera at Serena again.

Serena smiled her catlike smile and approached him slowly on all fours. Dan snapped off as many shots as he could in the time before Serena reached over, covered the lens with her hand and pried the camera away from him.

"You want memories?" Serena said seductively. "Fine."

Serena unbuttoned her shirt, or rather Dan's shirt. To reveal her laced bra underneath.

"Let's make some memories." She whispered into his ear.

And just as Serena was about to unhook her bra the door clicked open.

"House warming party!" A dreadfully familiar voice came from the entrance to the apartment.

"Lexi?" Dan asked as he leaned over to peak past Serena.

"Uhhh and Jenny too." Jenny said as stood next to Lexi with a black wrapped gift box.

"You left your new camera at the loft." Lexi said holding it in her hands. "Hi Serena!"

Serena turned to face Lexi and Jenny with her hands covering her breasts. "Hi…"

Serena sat in front of Blair prodding at her dessert. People had been pestering Blair all day and though this was clearly supposed to be Serena and Blair time, the nature of Blair's work had intervened, as it often did. Serena wasn't all too upset about it; she had grown used to it and was actually ambivalent to it on most days. But not today, today she needed her friend. Perhaps, a busy restaurant was the best idea for a meeting place.

"This should not be this much of a problem this time around." Serena said still poking at her dessert. "Especially after getting our own place…"

"Serena, it's only been a day…" Blair returned with her own thoughts on the subject. "And you guys have only been back together for about a week. What's the rush? You don't want to ruin things do you?"

"No, but wanting to have sex is not a going to ruin our relationship." Serena said. "I'm so over being overprotective of our relationship as if it were some fragile piece of glass that is going to break at the first sign of trouble. We're not that anymore."

"Wow… seems things really have changed." Blair said as she licked her spoon.

"Yeah, they have." Serena continued. "I feel closer to Dan than I ever have before. It's… incredible."

Blair smiled.

"But it's also kinda scary." Serena added.

"Well, you know what they said… fourth times a charm." Blair teased.

"I know you don't approve B but—" Serena started to say.

"Who says I don't approve?" Blair interrupted. "Things are different. I'm different now. And frankly, Dan and I are friends now. What I'm worried about is you Serena."

"And why would you be worried about me?" Serena asked as she finally started to eat her dessert.

"Dan… his work." Blair answered.

"No, we've talked about it all. He came clean about everything and explained to me why he didn't tell me. We're still working on it little by little, but we're definitely making progress." Serena replied swiftly.

"Good. So you're going to be okay with it when he jumps on the next flight out to Johannesburg on assignment?" Blair asked.

"Well… I haven't really thought about that." Serena said in an unsure voice.

"Serena… that's his job. He goes places, he photographs things, unpleasant things, scary things, dangerous things… and sometimes… sometimes he's going to be in dangerous situations." Blair said. "Are you okay with that? Are you going to be able to handle that?"

Serena sat there, still as a statue, as Blair's words settled into her mind. She hadn't even thought about that. Could she handle knowing that he was purposefully putting himself in danger? Could he handle the fact that he may be gone weeks or even months at a time not knowing when or if he was ever going to return to her? Serena wanted to be strong, but she had no idea what that meant and how this would affect her relationship with Dan?

There was a knock on the door but before anyone could call out or answer it, Nate stepped in. Lexi, Jenny, and Dan had been made themselves comfortable around the coffee table for that was the only piece of furniture Dan had at the moment.

"So this is the place." Nate said as he walked in and peaked around. "It's nice. A little empty, but nice."

"Haha, very funny. But Serena wants to do all the décor so I'm staying out of it." Dan said.

"Wise choice." Nate said as he sat down beside Dan on the floor. "So you and Serena again?"

"Yes, me and Serena again…" Dan said as he hung his head in mock shame. "Pierogi?"

He handed a plate to Nate. Nate took the plate and popped one of the perogis into his mouth. "This place is great. You better throw at least a couple parties here."

"Don't worry. I think Serena wants to have a proper house warming when we get this place furnished." Dan replied.

"House warming eh?" Lexi asked. "What should Jenny and I bring?"

"Seriously, you guys have done enough. You brought me my camera. Jenny got me the Extended Edition Lord of the Rings on bluray. Thank you by the way, I'm going to bore the hell out of Serena with these." Dan said holding up the hefty box set.

Jenny smiled as she and Lexi sat on the couch eating their food.

"You can bring some champagne." Dan said nudging Nate.

"Will do." Nate said with his classic smile.

The sound of heels approached and entered their apartment. Lexi was the first to notice her. And for a brief moment Lexi and Serena did battle with their eyes. Dan, Jenny, and Nate then turned to see who it was.

"Oh good… Nate's here too." Serena said sarcastically.

"Hey Serena." Nate tried to be friendly.

"Hey babe. How was dinner with Blair?" Dan asked.

"It was fine." Serena answered in an impatient voice. "It was nice to see everyone. But you all have to leave right now."

There was a silence in the room.

"Now!" Serena yelled.

Nate jumped straight up and slid by Serena, giving her an apologetic look. Lexi and Jenny got up and grabbed their purses. Dan got up and approached Serena.

"Hey, what's this all about?" Dan asked.

"What's this about?" Serena asked rhetorically in the same impatient voice as earlier. "This is about me not being able to have some alone time with my boyfriend. This is about four years of built up tension. I want to be alone with Dan. Is that too much to ask?"

Lexi and Jenny scared as hell answered simply; "No, not at all."

And with that they saw themselves out and closed the door behind them. Serena locked the door and turned around to face Dan.

"Serena…" Dan let out.

Serena walked up to Dan and stood in front of him. And with the swiftness of a gunslinger she undid Dan's belt, pulled it out of the loop of his jeans and cracked it like a whip. Dan stood there, silent and scared.

"Dan…" Serena said with an unusual softness in her voice. "Get in the bed and get naked."

"Oh, okay…" Dan said stumbling over his words as he started towards the bedroom.

He clumsily unbuttoned his shirt as he periodically peaked back at Serena. The sound of her heels clicking against the hardwood floor suddenly became this foreboding sound of an unknown dread. He stood in front of the bed, shirtless and scared. Serena ran her hand down his chest and to the edge of his jeans.

She cracked a slight smile as she looked up at him. "Not bad Humphrey…"

And with a forceful push, Dan landed on the bed. Serena took no time in taking off her blazer and her blouse. Underneath she wore a black laced bra that was cut precariously low. And as she dropped her skirt, Dan gazed as Serena revealed the purchases of the day with Blair; a matching laced thong as well as solid black stockings.

"Wow…" Dan managed to say, not without great difficulty.

Without removing her heels, she climbed on top of Dan and slowly kissed him from his stomach all the way up to his neck.

"Wow is right…" Serena whispered seductively.

Dan was just about to say something when Serena put her index finger gently on his lips.

"Shhh… no more talking, okay?" Serena whispered while giving Dan an intense stare.

Dan nodded like an idiot as Serena unhooked her bra and let it fall on his chest.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: Ummm... kind of a weird chapter. I don't want to give anything away, I'd rather that you just read it. Anyways, thanks for all the insanely positive feedback.

Serena with eyes closed, and dreams elsewhere, hung tightly to Dan's torso as he sat staring at the opposite wall, half awake. His hand, by instinct stroked her arm as it laid wrapped around him. He could feel the rhythm of her sleeping breaths; he could count the pounding of her heart, soft and willful. She was a being of pure will today. She was as she always wanted to be, in control. Not dominating, yet helpful, stern, yet tender, she was as he always saw her in his eyes.

But as much as he was here, in the moment, as the sleepless Manhattan traffic played the soundtrack of their night at an almost inaudible tone, the brief gaps between the honks of car horns, and the indistinguishable yells of pedestrians, he was sucked back into the dungeons of his memory.

_He stared up, unable to pull his gaze away, he stared up. He was told it was the name of God, but he did not know it. He had never known it. But here in this place, a palace of gold, with an uneasy truce of early Christian frescos and the calligraphy of the Ottomans, he stood and waited, as he braced himself in his mind for his own battle to come._

_The sound of heels approached him from behind. It was unmistakable. It was her. Who else had such even strides? He turned to look at her face though he barely managed that. She smiled as she had always smiled, he foolish he was to believe that it was genuine, how lost he was to still believe it even now._

"_Do you think you'll ever return here?" Vicky asked casually._

"_I have considered it." Dan said with a hint of despair. _

_Vicky walked forward just a few paces._

"_What's stopping you?" She asked._

"_Holy Wisdom." Dan said. "They call this place. I think I understand it now more than ever."_

_Vicky turned to look at Dan. Her face carried an expression of quiet dread._

"_To know the truth isn't enough." Dan said. "We have to act on it."_

_Dan looked down._

"_Or at least that is the Wisdom I has been revealed to me." Dan spoke with a tremble. "But I can't do it. I know right… what a coward."_

"_Dan…" Vicky started to say._

"_You know. And you knew. You knew that I knew." Dan said as the tremble grew louder. "Yet you didn't stop, you didn't even want to."_

_There again, Vicky was caught off guard by Dan._

"_You think this only affects Antonio." Dan let out. "But you don't even see me. And of course you don't think about Edmund ever. Sometimes, I wonder what we're really worth to you."_

"_Dan, that wasn't my intention…" Vicky managed to say as her words faintly echoed in the hall of Constantine._

"_All that we are…" Dan's voice started to fail him. "Our friendship… you broke that trust Vicky."_

_They both stood silent for with trust, there are no words._

"_Why should I have to say this?" Dan asked rhetorically. "That's right… because if I don't say anything, you'll just pretend like it isn't happening."_

_Dan stepped forward and neared himself to her. She stood, cowering in slightly._

"_Don't forget..." The words barely got through Dan's teeth. "I was in love with you too… I still am."_

_Vicky opened her mouth but Dan always seemed to catch her without words._

"_And even still… I can't blame you for being selfish." Dan said with the greatest of difficulty. "So all I can do is be angry at myself for being angry at you; for allowing myself to be hurt."_

Dan had left the bed to stretch his legs, and as the cold sweat finally started to leave his skin he grabbed a towel out of the bathroom and cleaned off his face. He found himself in the kitchen subconsciously absorbing the sounds of the city he had known all his life. And from inside the fridge he pulled a bottle of vintage Port and poured himself a glass. _The first piece of glassware to be used in this apartment, it was either overly monumental or overly sentimental_, Dan couldn't decide which.

He sat himself down on the couch in the living room. His gaze fixed on the distant Manhattan skyline. What a place to live, what a city, what a time to be here. He had truly escaped doom? Had truly been so fortunate? What of his companions? Where was his guilt? He let himself remind himself every chance he had. Even with Serena, sometimes the feeling returned.

He sipped on the Port and focused on that sweetness of the liquid as it smoothly glided down his throat and into his stomach. He made a note to enjoy it with all of his attention. There was nothing to distract him now and if there was one thing, he learned about himself, it was that he needed such moments. Such moments of clarity were less luxuries of an idle life rather than that which kept his sanity from slipping away.

There was a crack in the window that let the warm heat of the New York summer night drift in and collapse over his chest. That's okay, it was a bit too cold in the apartment anyways, but Serena had always enjoyed air conditioning when she slept and Dan had long since gotten used to it. Or at least he was, two years ago.

But it was like riding a bike, Upper East Side habits never truly go away. He can't live at the top of the world and expect not to want to be there again, no matter where he went. Life was easy here and as much as Dan yearned to challenge his very soul, he wanted a place to dream pleasant dreams at night.

It might just have been dumb luck, but he thanked the heavens that he had found Serena.

"_Dan, you must know I didn't mean to hurt you." Vicky said as she put her hands on his face._

"_You just don't get it do you?" Dan said as anger filled his voice. "I am hurt, yes… but I'm not the one you should be worried about. Antonio is in love with you… do you even understand what that means?"_

_Vicky stepped back._

"_Two guys in the bathroom stall of a bar… where Antonio was just outside." Dan managed to say out loud. "I hope it was worth it. I really do. I hope that you gained something from that experience that rivals that of a friend, a lover, and all bonds that we hold dear. I hope that what happened in there, Antonio could never give to you…"_

"_No…" Vicky's voice began to tremble._

"_Because at least then, I know you didn't throw it all away for nothing!" Dan yelled._

"_Are… are you going to tell him?" Vicky asked._

"_In my heart, I wish that you would." Dan said. "But in my head, I know that I will have to."_

"_Please don't…" Vicky begged._

"_I'm sorry… " Dan whispered as he turned his back on Vicky._

"_Dan…" Vicky tried to say. "I could've loved you."_

_Dan turned to look at Vicky with tears in his eyes. "Now we will never know…"_

_Dan walked away, the absence of the sound of heels meant that he had not gotten through to her. He knew all along the war was lost, things could never return to the way there were, there was no going back. But at least if she had followed him, this last battle could've been avoided. Had she the courage that he wished she had, to do the right thing, even if all that could be done was to say that she was sorry, even though it would not have changed anything, the forth coming tragedy could've been avoided. Maybe it was this moment that turned her heart to stone, Dan wasn't sure. But that night, on the bridge, as Antonio pointed a revolver at the woman he loved more than life itself, shattered, like a hammer to a marble statue. _

_Had he caused this? Did he kill Antonio and Vicky? The questions always came back to this._

Her feet touched the cold hardwood floors. She didn't mind, she liked the feeling of a cool surface underneath her. She silently left the bed and peaked her head out into the living room. He sat there, with a glass of Port sitting on the coffee table. He stared out into the city as he always did when he thought no one was looking. She was always looking.

She found him on the couch and as he turned to look at her, she knew from the expression on his face that he was still thinking about her. He was still haunted by Vicky. But what could she do? What could Serena do but to sit silently with him? A battle raged inside of him, a battle he had fought a thousand times over, but this war was not over. And Serena couldn't send reinforcements. She could only do what she should've done for him all along; be there for him.

She sat herself down beside him and leaned her head against his chest. She curled up her bare legs and wrapped them around his. He instinctively let his hand drop onto her legs and began to stroke them. Dan liked her legs, no matter what his mood. The smell of her hair made him feel better already, it reminded him that despite what was out there, he was safe here.

It took him a second to process that feeling. It took him awhile to realize that he felt safe with Serena.

When did that happen?

She needed nothing from him other for him to work on himself. She needed nothing from him than to think though his problems; indeed it was what he had always been best at. She realized then that working on their problems didn't always mean talking about them; sometimes it was as simple as just holding each other.

Let those wounds that can be healed a mere touch, be touched.

That's what she did. She put a hand on his heart and felt it beat its fiery beat. She felt him hurt and as much as she tried to absorb the pain with her hand she knew she couldn't.

"Tonight was amazing. You were quite the devil." Dan said with an honest smile. "By the way."

"I know." Serena smiled as she hoisted herself up and kissed him gently.

"I'm sorry about this." Dan apologized. "I just couldn't sleep."

"Dan… you don't need to apologize." Serena said. "No one should apologize for being human… and that's all this is… you're just being human."

"I didn't want to admit that I could be hurt this bad." Dan said.

"I think we both know how capable we are of hurting one another." Serena replied.

There was a pause between them. Dan picked up his glass of Port and handed it to Serena. She took a sip and let it coat the inside of her mouth before swallowing it. She passed the glass up to Dan. He took it and downed it with conviction.

"I killed her didn't I?" Dan asked absently.

Serena got up and wrapped her legs around him. She placed her hands on his face to cradle his head. She neared him, their noses touching. Her hair falling from her shoulders to mask him from the world. Let them not see him now for he was Serena's for this very moment. Let them do no harm to Dan, who she loved with the gravity of her soul and heart. _Let them know that I am capable of loving him_, she thought to herself.

"You did not… kill her Dan." She whispered to him.

"I'm sorry about… thinking about her tonight…" Dan said with tears in his eyes.

"Dan… I understand." Serena whispered. "Pete Fairman remember? I know… I know what you are feeling. And you've handled it with such strength and courage."

"Yeah right…" Dan let out.

"Dan…" Serena said softly. "You take that which gives you pain, and you make things better. You tell the stories that no one else can tell. You write words that inform, that teach, that remind us all of what it is to be human. You just need to remember that it is okay… to be human."

"How does it go away?" Dan asked. "What did you do?"

"You… you made it stop." Serena answered with a joyous tone in her voice. "You were here for me. You loved me even though I wasn't perfect… I will do the same for you, if you'll let me."

"That… that's gonna take some time…" Dan answered as he looked down.

"I know…" Serena said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pushed with her legs. She stretched him out into a lying position on the couch and laid on top of him stroking his hair and kissing his neck.

"I know…" She whispered again. "But you can't save the world by yourself."

Serena put her head down on his chest and reached with one of her hands and cupped his cheek. Dan grabbed her hand turned the palm towards him and gently kissed it. Her warmth became his warm, and although the air conditioning made the living room chilly, and although he could still feel the rain of that fateful night upon his brow, this time, at least he had Serena's warm to remind him that…

_If live knocks you down, it is okay to take a few seconds to regain your breath._

_Breathe._


	14. Chapter 14

_She puts on her black nylon stockings, one at a time, with excruciatingly slow movements. She makes sure you see every part of her. She slips her feet into her new 6 inch heels; they always seem to be new. Maybe you underestimated the necessary closet space. Maybe you under estimated the size of the apartment entirely. _

_She puts her blazer and with the grace known only in films she slides her sunglasses onto her face and turns. She looks at you and although you cannot see her eyes, you know exactly what is saying. You sit in bed, half naked; she's fully dressed and ready to start the day? Did she just use you? Are you just her play thing? Was last night for you or for her?_

She reached and grabbed the notebook out of Dan's hand. The pen falls out of Dan's other hand as he pushed himself off the bed and reached over to retake it. But Serena anticipated this and moved away before he could reach her. She stood up and lifted her shades from her eyes to read his freshly written words more clearly.

Her expression soured.

"Really?" Serena said as she tossed the notebook back at Dan.

"Oh come on, it's funny." Dan said as he put the notebook on the ground.

Serena leaned over and kissed him gently. "You're funny."

"By the way, we still need a night table." Dan said as Serena got off the bed again.

"I know, I know, it's coming." Serena said as walked over to the bathroom.

"When?" Dan asked.

"I'm… still trying to decide, there's three that I particularly like." Serena said as she worked on her mascara.

"Are you sure you don't want me to just grab some stuff from the loft?" Dan asked still sitting in bed. "It's just a night table after all."

Serena turned and looked at Dan through the open bathroom door.

"Fine, fine." Dan sighed.

"Just have a little patience." Serena said as she continued to put on her makeup. "This place will look fabulous when I'm done with it."

Dan got out of the bed and made his way into the bathroom. He wrapped his arms around Serena as she put on her lip gloss.

"Just like you." Dan said he looked at her through the mirror.

Serena turned, though trying to hide herself, her eyes betrayed her. She kissed him and even then he could feel the tips of her mouth curl up.

"Not your best line Humphrey." Serena laughed.

"Maybe I've lost my edge." Dan smiled back while still holding her.

"Maybe you have." Serena confirmed.

"Well it's hard to be a tortured artist when you make me so happy." Dan said as he reached into kiss her again.

"What are you trying to say?" She whispered. "You want me to torture you?"

She turned her face and Dan's lips missed hers. She broke his grab and walked away.

She turned her head and looked at him seductively. "Because I can do that, you know."

Serena walked away swaying her hips a little more than usual just to make Dan sweat, it was working.

"Watch out for the vultures outside!" Dan warned her.

"Don't worry, I can handle them." Serena said as she opened the door.

Blair appeared in the doorway.

"Hey!" Serena greeted Blair.

"Hey Serena!" Blair replied with a big hug.

"Why are you here?" Serena asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Blair asked rhetorically. "There's a flood of paparazzi outside and I would be deeply insulted if they got a glimpse of the inside of this place before me."

Blair paused and took a quick scan of the inside of the barren apartment.

"Although… they might be disappointed once they actually get a glimpse of this place." Blair said with her usual scowl of disapproval.

"It's a work in progress. The furniture is coming in today." Serena said.

"Yours I hope." Blair said.

"Yes, mine, Dan has been very good about letting me make these decisions." Serena said.

"You know what they say… happy wife, happy life." Dan said as he appeared from the bathroom.

"You watch your tongue." Serena said as she pointed at Dan.

"Hey where are you going?" Blair asked. "I was hoping we could hang out."

"I've gotta go meet my own for lunch. But I'll be back within a few hours." Serena said. "We can shop online for décor items and make this place as fabulous as your place."

"Oh joy…" Dan let out.

"Shut it!" Both Serena and Blair responded simultaneously.

"Well I'll see you later." Serena said as she hugged Blair again.

"Okay, bye babe." Blair replied as Serena made her way down the elevator.

Blair then turned to Dan and walked in slowly. She analyzed her surroundings. There wasn't much to look at but she looked for angles, it's what she did, it's what she's always done, it's what she's good at.

"So… this is the place…" Blair commented.

"I am ready for any judgment you are here to dish out. I've been preparing." Dan said as he stood up straight.

"No judgment, moving up in the world I see. " Blair responded.

"Manhattan is closer to Columbia." Dan said.

"Oh please Dan, I read Inside. No point in hiding it now. You like it here." Blair said with a devious smile as she sat down on a stool. "This must be pretty nice after two years of rolling around in the dirt."

"Well it was a nice change of pace." Dan said as he sat down on the stool beside her.

"Speaking of which… It seems a certain Edmund McKenna is in town." Blair said.

"Yeah so?" Dan asked.

"So? Dan… I saw you with him on Gossip Girl." Blair persisted. "Were you the two running from the cops?"

Dan fill silent, he wasn't sure if he should answer.

"Dan…" Blair said.

"Yeah I was with him." Dan finally answered.

"Why would you do that? I thought you've put all this behind you." Blair asked.

"What's the big deal?" Dan asked back. "He was in town for a few days, a few guerilla art pieces. Besides, what do you care? As I recall you hate street art."

"Things are different now. Serena's back in your life." Blair said. "Don't screw this up."

Serena stepped into the lobby of Lily and Rufus' place, the paparazzi had followed her the whole way. It was a lot more attention than she had been used, for the past year she had been laying pretty low and not much had happened in her life other than a few occasional nights out and a few parties. But there was nothing going on in her life that was front page worthy, since Lily's house arrest. And although she hated to admit it, she enjoyed the attention.

She reached the elevator and pressed the button. The door opened and Nate stepped out.

"Nate…" Serena said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I was having lunch with one of my dad's colleagues." Nate answered.

"Oh, that's nice. How is your family now?" Serena asked.

"Things are finally back to normal." Nate answered. "Well as normal as normal can get in the Archibald household."

"I understand, normality isn't exactly a trait of the Van Der Woodsen household either." Serena smiled.

"Well it was good to see you again." Nate said. "I'm sorry we haven't had much time to hang out."

"No, it's my fault." Serena said. "Dan made me realize how much I've missed in the last few years."

"Well hey, school is important. Hang in there, you're almost out." Nate said.

"Thanks. And I know. It's just weird feeling like I've been out of the loop for so long." Serena said. "It was right here too."

"So you and Dan…" Nate said softly.

"Yeah…" Serena answered in an equally soft tone.

"Well, I'm happy for you guys." Nate said.

"Thanks, that means a lot." Serena said as a smile appeared on her face.

"Well I'll see ya." Nate said with a smile back.

And with that they parted ways as they have done so many times before. Nate made his way into the see of shutters and flashes as Serena entered the solitude of the elevator.

Dan pushed the teacup and saucer towards Blair. He then turned and poured himself a cup. The steam rose from the liquid as it came out of the spot.

"Careful it's hot." Dan commented.

Blair blew on it gently and took a sip and looked away.

"So, why do I get the feeling you're not telling me the whole story?" Dan asked.

"Because I don't know the whole story." Blair replied.

"You've only met Edmund once before; when you came to visit me in Portugal. What do you have against the guy?" Dan asked.

"That's not entirely true." Blair answered.

"What?" Dan asked.

"Do you remember when Chuck and I were trying to work things out two years ago?" Blair asked.

"How could I forget…" Dan said. "It was right after Louis, as I recall you rarely had a night without tears…"

"I know..." Blair said as her head dropped again. "A few months after Louis, Chuck and I went to Belgrade to try to figure things out. While we were there we encountered Edmund. At first I didn't recognize him… it took me a few days to place his face."

"So… you saw him…" Dan said. "He does travel a lot."

"He shot at Chuck." Blair said.

"What?" Dan let out almost spilling his tea. "Are… are you sure it was him?"

"Dan… I don't forget faces..." Blair said.

"… why?" Dan asked.

"I don't know." Blair answered. "When I told Chuck about it, he didn't seem surprised. As if he almost expected it to happen. He was angry though."

"Do Edmund and Chuck know each other?" Dan asked.

"I don't see how… Chuck only vacations in Europe in the summer and he's not good at making friends." Blair said.

"And Edmund hasn't been in the United States since he was a kid prior to this visit…" Dan said.

"Look, all I'm saying is that he might not be who you think he is." Blair said.

"I don't know… What you're telling me doesn't make any sense." Dan said as he took a sip of his tea.

It took him a few moments to process what Blair had said.

"Wait… did you say Belgrade?" Dan asked.

"Yes, Chuck had some business partners there and on our tour of Europe, we stopped there for a couple of days." Blair answered.

"Belgrade…" Dan said in a low voice. "Serbia…"

"Yeah...?" Blair inquired.

"I have to go." Dan said as he dumped the tea out and dropped the teacup into the sink.

"Wait, where are you going?" Blair asked.

"To see an _old friend_." Dan said. "Tell Serena I'll be back later tonight."


	15. Chapter 15

It was starting to rain. But Serena had arrived back at her new apartment just in time. The paparazzi had been camped outside all day. She wondered when they were going to leave. The movers had already arrived and Blair had texted her about it and told her that she needed to be back at the apartment immediately. It seemed that Lily had a busy day as well so their lunch was short and sweet. Serena reached the apartment and opened the door. There was an overwhelming amount of clutter distributed across the apartment and Blair was standing right in the middle of it all.

"There you are!" Blair said. "Your stuff is here…"

"I can see that." Serena said as she walked and gazed around.

"I need your help, come, we need to get this stuff sorted out before the movers leave." Blair said as she grabbed Serena's hand and dragged her deeper into the apartment.

"Where's Dan?" Serena asked. "He said he would be here to help set up."

"He had to step out; it sounded urgent… and cryptic." Blair said.

"Anything I need to know about?" Serena asked.

"I dunno, I think it is about that Edmund guy." Blair said as she grabbed the new sheets for the bed and tossed two of the corners to Serena.

"Edmund. Edmund McKenna?" Serena asked.

"So you do know him." Blair confirmed.

"Well, not personally, but Dan has told me about him. And he's in a lot of his stories too." Serena replied as they folded open the need silk sheets.

"Well, he's in town. And I think Dan had some business with him." Blair said as she tucked in the sheets.

"What kind of business?" Serena asked.

"I dunno, you're going to have to ask him." Blair answered.

Dan made his way into the hotel lobby and scanned the area for a familiar face. There was no one, he hoped it wasn't too late. He rushed over up the elevator and rode it up to the fifth floor he remembered that Edmund said he would be staying. He reached his suite door and knocked on it. There was no answer. He knocked again. And again there was no answer. He checked the doorknob, it was unlocked.

He opened the door.

"I had a feeling you'd eventually come to find me." Edmund said as he zipped up his duffle bag.

Dan stepped inside the suite.

"I thought you said you were leaving." Dan asked.

"I am, I just have one last piece of business to take care of." Edmund said.

"What is this about? I thought you said you were here just to tag up the city." Dan asked.

"I was." Edmund answered as he walked over to the night table beside his bed. "But there are a few other things I had to take care of."

"Like what? That thing in Belgrade?" Dan asked.

Edmund fell silent for a moment.

"It should've ended there." Edmund spoke in a low voice.

"What?" Dan asked. "What should've ended?"

"I'm not talking about it." Edmund replied.

"Of course." Dan said throwing his hands into the air. "It's always the same story with you. I was there with you in Belgrade. That night you stepped out on your own. What happened?"

Edmund said nothing.

"What happened?" Dan persisted.

"We're not… discussing this Dan." Edmund said.

"We are." Dan replied. "Does this have anything to do with Chuck Bass?"

"Chuck Bass?" Edmund said sharply looking at him. "How do you know that?"

"We go way back…" Dan replied. "How do you know him?"

Edmund opened the night table drawer and took out the Bible. He tossed it on the bed. He then reached back into the table and pulled out a pistol.

"Doesn't matter." Edmund said.

"Whao! What the fuck man!" Dan said holding out his hand. "What is going on?"

"I'm leaving. This is the last time you'll ever see me." Edmund said as he tucked the gun into his belt.

Dan blocked the door. "Talk to me. What is this about?"

"I can't talk to you about this." Edmund said.

"You can talk to me about anything." Dan replied. "Just slow down and think about what you're about to do."

"I have…" Edmund said. "For two years, I've thought about it every night."

"Why won't you tell me what happened in Belgrade?" Dan asked.

"Because it is none of your business." Edmund said.

"I know you took a shot at Chuck Bass, technically my step-brother." Dan said. "While my friend Blair was there; you've just made it my business."

"Look, I'm sorry about Blair." Edmund said. "But this doesn't change anything."

"You're not going anywhere until you explain yourself." Dan persisted. "If you don't start talking, I'm calling the cops."

Edmund was stunned at Dan's ultimatum. He thought he could trust Dan and that Dan trusted him. But considering the circumstances, he understood his decision. And he hoped that Dan would understand his. He pulled out the gun from his belt and aimed at Dan.

"What are you doing?" Dan asked.

"Get out of my way." Edmund said with a scowl on his face.

"Just wait a minute man…" Dan said cautiously.

"Dan… get out of my way…" Edmund said calmly.

"Look Edmund, we've been through a lot together… I'm asking you not to do this…" Dan pleaded. "You helped me with Serena and I am grateful, let me help you…"

"Dan!" Edmund exclaimed. "We're not the same!"

Silence.

"We're not the same…" Edmund spoke again. "I am happy for you man… I wish nothing but the best for you and Serena… but I… don't have that option…"

"That's not true." Dan said.

"You nearly lost everything…" Edmund said trying to hold back his rage. "Well I _did_ lose everything!"

"Edmund…" Dan said slowly. "What are you talking about?"

"Chuck took everything from me…" Edmund said. "Now Dan, I'm giving you one more chance… move!"

Dan stood his ground. Edmund approached him and stuck the business end of the gun right at Dan's forehead. Still he did not move.

"Fine…" Edmund said as he lowered the gun.

But just as fast as he lowered the gun he brought it up with full speed and pistol whipped Dan and knocked him to the ground. He stepped over him and out of the suite.

"Goodbye Dan." He paused momentarily to say before leaving.

Dan arrived back at the apartment a few hours later. He rushed passed the crowd of paparazzi with relative ease. Crowds and natural obstacles were nothing but a mere speed bump for him now. If he could evade the police in Greece, he could lose a few cameramen in New York. He made his way up to the apartment and headed directly for the sink. He washed his face furiously trying to clean the blood off of his temple.

Serena and Blair appeared from the back of the apartment.

"Oh my god Dan, what happened to you?" Serena said as she rushed up to him and put her hand gently near the wound.

"Did Edmund do this to you?" Blair asked.

Dan gently pushed Serena's hand from his face and stepped aside and went into the bedroom. Serena and Blair followed him, confused and worried. Dan pulled out one of his unopened boxes and ripped it open. His breathing was heavy, his demeanor, anxious. Took out all of the notebooks and photos and tossed them onto the bed. Finally he got to the bottom of the box and pulled out an old revolver. He reached back into the box and pulled out six rounds.

"Oh my god! Dan, what are you doing with that?" Serena asked.

Dan loaded up the bullets one by one and tucked it in his belt. Serena and Blair stopped him before he could leave again.

"Dan, what is going on?" Serena asked.

"Dan, please talk to us." Blair said.

"I can't…" Dan said.

"Why not?" Serena asked.

"Because, I'm not sure myself." Dan said. "But I need to find Edmund."

"Dan, why do you have a gun?" Blair asked. "Are you going to hurt him?"

"I'm hoping it doesn't come to that." Dan said breathing heavily. "But girls, I need to go."

"You're not going anywhere." Serena said as she put her hands on his chest.

Dan was frustrated, Serena could see that in his eyes but she'd rather he be mad at her than to see him endanger his own life. Dan evaluated all of his options, he wasn't going to point the gun at Serena or Blair, it wasn't in his nature, it wasn't even close, he simply did not have the conviction in his heart to even consider hurting those two. He felt weak. How could he stop Edmund if he wasn't as strong as him. He felt helpless. He stood in front of Serena and Blair, both of whom he would gladly give his life for. But they stood in his way, making sure that he would never take that chance. He was defeated. He collapsed on the bed as he let out a deep sigh.

Serena and Blair both beside him and held his hands. They were a few moments ago stained in his own blood. The feint trace was still visible from the daylight pouring in through the window. The blood started to run down his face from his temple again.

"Please… Dan, I really want you to talk to us." Serena said while stroking his hand.

"I wish I knew more…" Dan said with an air of defeat. "Where's Chuck?"

"He's flying back from Shanghai tonight." Blair answered. "He has that Bass Industries party that Lily is throwing to attend."

"That's tonight?" Dan asked. "Serena, why didn't you tell me this?"

"I thought we should get settled in first." Serena said. "We can miss this one. I'm sure my mom will throw another party in a couple of weeks."

"Chuck…" Dan whispered.

"What? What about Chuck?" Blair asked.

Dan got up and ran over to the closet. He took off his shirt to reveal his scrapes that he suffered when Edmund had knocked him to the ground.

"Oh my god Dan!" Serena yelled out in horror. "What happened over there?"

Dan looked down and realized that his shoulder was scratched and there was blood running down his arm.

Without as much as a raised eyebrow Dan said "Well… he's still got it…"

"I'll get the first aid kit." Blair said as she ran into the bathroom.

Serena rushed to Dan's side and gently let her hands fall beside the wound. Dan didn't seem to be phased by it at all. In fact the profuse bleeding on the side of his face didn't seem to even bother him anymore. He was thinking, his mind was moving at a million miles a minute. He couldn't stop to think about the pain. It frankly, it wasn't any worse than the dozens of bumps and scrapes he had collected over the last few years running from some of the most dangerous men in the world.

"Dan, are you okay?" Serena asked with tears. "Please talk to me."

"I'm fine." Dan said casually. "Nothing's broken; it'll go away in a couple of days."

Serena let her hands fall to her side.

"I don't know what to do here…" Serena said absently.

Dan stopped and turned to her.

"What are you talking about?" Dan asked.

"I see you hurt and it breaks my heart…" Serena began. "I see your blood and I start to panic… but you don't seem to mind it at all…"

"I've been through worse." Dan said.

"I know, I know…" Serena said. "But I haven't…"

"Serena, what's wrong?" Dan asked put her hands on her shoulders.

"Does that hurt?" Serena asked. "Bending your shoulder."

"It's not as bad as it looks." Dan replied.

"It scares me Dan…" Serena said. "To see you hurt, to see you like this, I'm scared that you're not taking care of yourself… I'm scared that something really bad will happen to you if you continue like this…"

"Nothing's going to happen to me." Dan said.

"You don't know that!" Serena replied sharply. "What if someday, something really bad happens, and you can't just shrug it off? What if something happens and you never come back… I…"

Serena paused. She reached in close and placed her hands on his face. The blood smudged as she tried to reach him.

"I… I'm afraid... I'm afraid of losing you." Serena pleaded with tears in her eyes. "I don't know what I'd do without you…"

"You're not going to lose me…" Dan said. "I promise—"

"Don't… don't promise." Serena said closing her eyes to concentrate on her words. "Don't make promises you can't keep…"

Dan sighed. He grabbed a fresh shirt from off the hanger and stepped out into the bedroom. Serena hung her head in disappointment. Blair came out of the bathroom with medical and bandages. Dan took them and started to patch himself up.

"We need to get to this party." Dan said as he placed the bandages over his wounds. "Blair, you need to find Chuck, he's in grave danger. Serena, you have to stay in a public place at all times, stay on the main party floor just to be safe. Blair, tonight you are with me, you cannot leave my side. Is that clear?"

"Dan, you have to tell us more." Blair pleaded.

"I… I can't, I don't know anymore." Dan said. "But I need to keep you two safe, please, just do as I say this once… and you two can boss me around for the rest of your lives."


	16. Chapter 16

Serena arrived first at the party. Dan and Blair had a few other things to take care of. She entered the Hudson Hotel's main ball room dressed fully in white. She was stunning as always and of course the cameras followed her everywhere. She made her way to the bar and ordered a Cosmo and found a busy spot and parked herself there. She was on look out, although neither, she, Dan or Blair expected Edmund to show his face in the crowd.

It was just a few moments after she had reached the bar that Lily approached her with a big smile and a motherly hug.

"Serena!" Lily said with elation. "I didn't think you were coming."

"I wasn't until recently." Serena replied.

"So, where's Dan?" Lily asked.

"He's coming." Serena managed to say with a faked smile.

Serena and Dan hadn't exactly left the apartment on the greatest of terms. She pushed him and she feared she pushed him a bit too far. Dan had a tendency of giving up on conversations that went nowhere. So when he loses, everyone loses. And she wasn't exactly happy about this new scheme that seemed to have come out of nowhere. Dan was being secretive, it involved a gun so Serena understood why he might not want to tell her everything but it didn't make her feel any better about their current predicament.

"Well tell me when he gets here. Rufus hasn't seen him in ages." Lily said as she flashes another smile at her daughter and went to greet other guests.

A couple moments later just as Serena received a text from Dan saying "on my way" Nate placed himself at the bar beside Serena. He didn't order anything; the thing about Nate was that he didn't really drink unless something was bothering him.

"So, where's Dan?" Nate inquired.

"He'll be here soon." Serena replied as she did to her mother.

"Seems like something you two should've come to together." Nate said.

"He had to do something with Blair." Serena gave a short reply.

"Blair… of course." Nate said nodding his head slightly.

"Oh my god… we are so not doing this." Serena said with a sharp tone.

"What?" Nate backed off. "I didn't say anything."

"Yeah you did. You don't have to say it, I know what you meant." Serena replied.

"Ever consider that I'm right?" Nate asked.

"Look, whatever competition you seem to have with Dan, that's your business." Serena said. "I don't want to be a part of it."

"That's not what this is about." Nate said.

"You said you were happy for us." Serena said.

"I'm happy if you're happy." Nate replied. "Are you happy?"

"Yes, Nate, I am happy." Serena replied with a hint of impatience in her voice.

"Are you telling me? Or yourself?" Nate persisted.

"This… this conversation is over." Serena said as she promptly walked away.

Dan and Blair arrived together at the party and promptly checked in. They headed up the stairs and away from the main ball room. She checked her phone over and over hoping that Chuck would text her back. But there was no reply and Dan had little luck reaching Edmund.

"So how are things between you and Chuck." Dan asked awkwardly.

Blair looked away as they started to scan the crowdscape for their target faces.

"I know I'm not supposed to ask…" Dan continued in his awkward voice. "But you know… dramatic precedence…"

"It's always dramatic precedence with you isn't it Humphrey?" Blair said as she continued to check her phone.

"Well, I would say this is pretty dramatic." Dan said as he pulled out his gun.

"Put that thing away!" Blair said as she covered the gun with her hand and forced it downward. "And how did you get it past coat check anyways?"

"You don't wanna know." Dan replied.

"Jesus…" Blair let out.

Dan leaned over the railings and scanned the crowd in the lobby. Most of the guests were already in the ballroom but Dan knew Edmund. He was all about the easy entrances and quick escapes, the lobby would be the easiest way out. But when he completed his second scan of the room he found no trace of Edmund.

"Okay, he's not here…" Dan said. "Any word from Chuck?"

"No reply." Blair answered. "I'm really worried."

"Yeah, I am too." Dan said. "So what now?"

Blair popped her head over the railing. She saw nothing either.

"Maybe we should ask Lily." Blair said.

"You know what, that's probably a good idea." Dan said as they became towards the ball room.

They rushed into the ball room and as the sound of loud music and blinding lights disrupted their concentration, a flood of cameramen and paparazzi surrounded them. A flurry of inaudible questions and screams came their way. Dan covered his eyes, grabbed Blair by the hand, and led her out of the pocket that they were trapped in. It took them several minutes to find Lily.

"Daniel how are you? I haven't see you in ages. Your father is going to be thrilled you and Serena decided to show up." Lily said as she gave both Dan and Blair welcoming hugs.

"I'm doing good, apartments starting to come along nicely." Dan answered trying to hide his impatience.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Humphrey. I don't mean to be rude but have you seen Chuck?" Blair asked.

"Yes, just a few moments ago. He was heading up to one of the rooms for some business meeting. You know Charles, always working." Lily answered with a feint giggle.

"Yes, I do." Blair said with an uneasiness in her voice. "Do you know which room?"

"511, I believe." Lily answered.

"5…11, of course." Dan said. "I'm sorry to have to cut this short Lily, I'll be back later." And with that Dan grabbed Blair's hand again and left.

"511, that's definitely Edmund." Dan said to Blair.

"Wait, what? I don't follow." Blair asked.

"It's a long story." Dan answered.

The door clicked open. The room was deafeningly silent. Dan and Blair walked in. There he was Chuck, standing with his hands up in the air. It only took Dan a split second to realize what was going on but by then it was too late. There was a click, a cocked gun.

"Dan." A familiar voice said.

Dan turned around and sure enough Edmund was standing there right behind the door with a gun pointed in their direction.

"Give me your gun." Edmund said calmly.

Dan thought of pretending to not have a gun but he knew that that was a game that if he played he would lose, he had already lost. Dan pulled out the gun from behind him and placed it on the ground.

"Kick it over." Edmund commanded.

Dan sighed in defeat and booted the gun over to Edmund.

"I know you too well Dan." Edmund said. "Still using this piece I see."

Dan moved slightly in front of Blair to shield her if it came to a shootout.

"Edmund, please…" Dan pleaded. "Don't do this."

"It's too late Dan, it's already been done." Edmund said.

"Whatever it is." Dan began. "It can be fixed."

"It can't be fixed!" Edmund exclaimed as he aimed the gun at Dan.

"Edmund, tell me what is going on." Dan continued, hoping to calm him down.

"No…" Edmund said as he walked closer to Dan and Blair.

Dan shifted himself so that he was always between Edmund and Blair, regretting the decision of stepping in the room with Blair without making sure the cost was clear. And at the moment where all hope seemed to have been lost, Edmund aimed the gun at Chuck and fired.

The sounds of the discharge made its way down stairs and though feint; Serena heard it and shook her soul. She was stunned, she could not move, but she told herself she must. She tried to move and though it was hard at first, she knew that this was just her falling into old habits; she didn't want to confront the truth. But if Dan was truly hurt, she needed to be there.

"Serena wait!" Nate said as she grabbed her arm.

"Nate, let go of me." Serena said as she tried to free herself.

"Don't go! It's dangerous!" Nate pleaded with her. "Is this what you want? Is this the life you want? Always chasing after Dan, always worrying about if he's okay or not? What kind of life is that? You don't deserve this…"

Serena stopped. It wasn't just Nate's words, it was the truth. Blair had asked her the same thing. Is this truly the type of life she wanted, worrying about her man and her heart day in and day out?

It took them both a few moments to release the tension in their muscles and to open their eyes. Dan was the first to look over his shoulder hoping that the scene wouldn't be too gruesome. It wasn't. Chuck cowered as it seemed that the bullet had hit the bookshelf behind him and ruined several of the hardcovers. Edmund looked content, staring at the pathetic Bass.

"Before I kill you…" Edmund began as he shifted his aim towards Chuck again. "Tell them.. Tell her!"

Blair eyes shifted from Chuck to Edmund. What did he mean?

"Please, I'll give you whatever you want." Chuck bargained.

"Unless you can bring them back to life…" Edmund said in a low voice. "I don't want anything from you."


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Note: Thanks guys for all the amazingly positive reviews! I'm honestly scared of letting you guys down now! I hope this chapter lives up to expectations. Someone posted a comment about this being the best DS fic out there, you flatter me, but there are so many well written fics out there, some of whom's authors read my story so... just something to keep in mind guys hahaha. Anyways, I dunno how you guys feel about Dair...

_The burning scent of cheap rum and cigarettes filled his nostrils. He couldn't breathe all that well and right now he needed his breath. He climbed the stairs at an alarmingly fast pace, even for him, even on these barely functional stairs. He could feel the cracks in the wood underneath his shoes, he wondered which would be the one that would break and hinder his climb. But he was quick on his feet and able to do things few men could do. After years of running and dodging security guards, cops, and gangsters of all kinds, he knew the motion that would set him free. But what about her? Could his strides set her free?_

_Chuck could hear the breathing of a desperate man on the other end of the phone. He smiled as he imagined him climbing up the stairs. He looked back at the girl tied to the chair. Her crimson hair drenched in sweat, her mouth sealed with duck-tape and her eyes filled with dread as three burly men with Glocks watched her every slight movement._

"_I want the ring…" Chuck said again calmly into the phone._

"_I don't have it…" Edmund replied desperate through his panting breaths. "I told you, my companion had it and when you had him shot and thrown into the river. The ring was lost."_

"_So you've said." Chuck replied calmly into the phone. "But if this is the case then why are you downstairs racing to find me instead of trying to find the ring?"_

"_I can't get it…" Edmund said in defeat._

"_If I don't have the ring you will not have her…" Chuck said._

"_Wait! I'm willing to work for you. I'll do whatever you want." Edmund said. "Please… let her go."_

_Chuck looked over at the girl in the chair. He closed his eyes and said. "No. The ring, or she dies."_

"_I swear to god if you touch her…" Edmund roared into the phone as he made his way up the stairs._

"_You'll what?" Chuck replied fiercely. "I've got 5 men watching this floor with semi-automatics. You think you're superman?"_

"_No…" Edmund said calmly. The panting had left his voice. There was a silence._

"_Edmund?" Chuck inquired into the phone._

_As the name left Chuck's mouth the door to the room was busted open and the two guards Chuck had placed outside the room fell in with blood on their ties and broken noses._

"_Now! Do it now!" Chuck screamed in a panic._

_One of the men cocked his gun and pointed it at her head._

"_No!" Edmund yelled as he dived for her._

_The bullet made a loud noise as it exited the chamber and within half a moment had collapsed her head. Edmund had just made it. She caught her as she fell dead in his arms. Time slowed down. Every drop of blood that landed on Edmund's hand would stain his soul forever. His tears turned from sorrow to rage and before the end of the night he vowed vengeance against this beast… the one they called the boy-king of New York. He would find him. And he would kill him._

_Her lifeless body lay beside him as he cradled her head. The guards finally reacted and pointed their guns at the defeated Edmund. Chuck approached him slowly._

"_It was a good effort." Chuck said with a satisfied look in his eyes. He would cut them out. "But it seems you were too little too late."_

_Chuck turned around. "Kill him."_

_And as though the command were for Edmund himself, he thought to himself, gladly. He pulled the pocket knife from his boot and leaped towards Chuck. The guards fired but missed his head as the rounds made their home in the wooden floor board instead. The blade of his knife cut deep into Chuck's thigh as he let out a pathetic screech of pain._

_Edmund thought about killing him right then and there. He could see the veins in his neck as he screamed. But no, he wanted to watch him bleed. He wanted to watch him die. He did not want to die beside him. So he vowed to return. He vowed to avenge his beloved. And though he knew that all of this started with a stolen ring on a misguided night's adventure, he would end this all in cold blood._

Chuck's arms were getting tired. But he could not move them from his head if he valued his life. The breath of his lungs started giving out audible tones, almost as if he were crying. Edmund stood and waited as Chuck finally finished recounting the story of the stolen ring.

"You stole the ring?" Blair asked timidly.

Without taking his gaze away from Chuck he answered "Yes… I stole the ring. I am guilty of that… And I take full responsibility for that. I will go to prison for the crime of theft and murder and be repentant for the rest of my life from the confines of a cell."

His breath slowed and venom poured from his mouth "But _he_, will die on this floor a long cold death, choking on his own blood for what he did to my friend and my beloved."

There was silence in the room. Not even Dan knew this.

"I have had their blood on my hands for two years… I tried to make things right. I tried to better myself…" Edmund said.

"Is that why we were in the Congo?" Dan asked. "Is that why we went to Afghanistan?"

"Dan… if we could save the world… maybe the world would save us in return…" Edmund said without looking away from Chuck. "I'm sure you understand."

Dan stared at Edmund, he was right. He did understand. If he could save the world, maybe then Serena would save him from himself. Although their motives were different, Dan knew exactly what Edmund meant.

"Let us be the change we want to see…" Dan murmured.

"Exactly…" Edmund said softly.

"Exactly."

"But this pig!" Edmund said as he booted Chuck in the face. "This pig… he lives like a king on top of his empire wearing the blood of the innocent every day. He crowns himself in crimson; he bathes in the memories of his victims…"

"That's not true!" Chuck managed to say through the blood flowing from his mouth.

"Did you ever tell her!" Edmund asked as he drove the tip of his gun into Chuck's temple. "Did you ever tell Eva…?"

"Eva knew?" Blair asked in shock.

"No! I would never tell her." Chuck protested.

"Of course you didn't. Only a man of conscience would desire honesty and absolution!" Edmund said with a roar.

"Only a beats could live with what he has done…" Edmund's voice softened.

"You did all this for a ring…" Blair said with tears in her eyes.

"He did this while he was in Prague with Eva…" Edmund said. "I tracked her down after she returned to Paris… I was going to do to her what you did to my beloved…"

Chuck's head hung in shame.

"But I am not you…" Edmund said calmly. "And I will never be you…"

"Is that why you spared me in Belgrade?" Blair asked.

At first Edmund said nothing. "You are the only reason he is alive right now. I should've finished the job then…"

Dan stood silent as did Blair. Chuck's tears flowed from his eyes and ran down his cheek until it mixed with the blood flowing from his mouth.

"Two years… two long years I've hunted you Chuck…" Edmund said. "Had it only been us… I'd say let us finish this like men…"

Edmund cocked the gun and drove it hard into the back of Chuck's skull. Dan grabbed Blair's hand.

She was shaking.

"But we are men no longer…" Edmund said softly. "Are we?"

"So let us be beasts…" Edmund said.

"No!" Dan said as he leaped forward.

Edmund aimed the gun at Dan and fired. The sound of the shot rang throughout the hotel. Time stopped. Serena, five floors down, shuttered. Blair covered her eyes. Chuck fell forward. Dan collapsed.

When the moment passed, Edmund stood holding his gun aimed at Dan. Dan had managed to grab his revolver that he had kicked over to him earlier and was now pointing it at Edmund.

Serena managed to break Nate's grip as the whole of the ball room went up in a frenzy. This time the crowds heard the shot. Serena waded her way through the masses and found herself at the staircase. She took off her heels and began to climb. She bypassed the elevators and into the stairwell. The cold concrete stairs stung her feet but she did not notice. She was too scared to notice. She was afraid for Dan. What would she do if she found him…

She couldn't even complete the thought.

She made it to the fifth floor and ran towards the open door. She looked in and found Blair with her eyes covered cowering on the floor, Chuck's face planted on the ground with blood all over. And Edmund and Dan with guns pointed at each other.

"Dan…" Edmund said still pointing his gun at him. "You can't stop me. Not this time. This time, Chuck gets what he deserves."

Edmund re-aimed his gun at Chuck.

"If you kill him… I will kill you." Dan warned.

Edmund shifted his aim at Dan once again. Serena's heart skipped a beat. She wanted to run into the room and cover Dan but her body wouldn't move.

"Do it…" Dan said as he slowly lowered his gun. "Do it! Shoot me. My life for his…"

Serena collapsed to her knees.

"Why?" Edmund asked with genuine confusion. "Why? He's not worth it Dan."

"You don't get to decide that…" Dan said.

"No…" Edmund said calmly. "No!"

Edmund whipped his aim over to Chuck again and as he pulled the trigger Dan managed to kick Edmund's legs out from underneath him. Dan frantically grabbed Edmund's hand and slammed it to the ground furiously until his gripped loosened. He took the gun and threw it away. He then took his own gun, stood up and aimed it at Edmund.

"Get up…" Dan commanded sternly.

Edmund slowly got up and held his hands in the air.

"Is this what we do?" Dan asked. "Is this what we've become? We aim guns at each other and we threaten to kill each other?"

Edmund stared at Dan but said nothing.

"You once told me…" Dan began as tears flooded his eyes. "That we are not Vicky and Antonio…"

Silence.

"Did you lie?" Dan asked.

"Did you lie!" Dan shouted.

"I did not lie." Edmund answered calmly.

"Then you spit on their memory." Dan said with hurt deep in his voice. "Spit on our friendship and everything it stood for!"

"This is not about us…" Edmund replied.

"This is all about us!" Dan replied. "This is about each and every one of us… let us be the change that we want to see…"

Silence.

"What change!" Dan cried through his tears squeezing onto the gun with all of his strength.

"What change…" Dan whispered again.

"Nothing changes Dan…" Edmund replied calmly. "Nothing ever changes… this is not one of your stories Dan, this is… our sad, miserable, pathetic lives…"

"You're right." Dan said as he calmed down slightly. "This is not one of my stories. In my stories, I shoot you and I save us all… but I can't save you… just like I couldn't save Antonio… just like I couldn't save Vicky. Here… we are powerless…"

Edmund stared.

"But tonight… I choose to change…" Dan said as he stepped forward. "You're going to walk past me and you're going to run and you're going to run as far away as you can run. And you will… you will save us… if only to honor the memory of Vicky and Antonio… I will see your face on newspapers and you're name will never be mentioned. In all the places in all the world that need compassion and love… you will be there, and you will remember… that you were a man once…"

Edmund lowered his hands as tears filled his eyes as well.

"Go." Dan commanded simply.

Edmund slowly walked out of the room. He saw Serena, on her knees with tears in her eyes as she struggled to breathe and said "I'm sorry…" and left.

As the police came up the stairs, Edmund began to run. He slid by the first two policemen and leaped over the railings are started to climb the stairs, a few moments later he was gone. The SWAT team arrived and came in to clear the floor. Serena finally got back to her feet and started to run towards Dan. But a hand reached out and grabbed her by the arm. She turned to see who it was and found Nate.

"What are you doing?" Nate asked. "Are you crazy? Do you want to get yourself killed?"

Dan dropped the gun and put his hands into the air as the SWAT team put all of them onto the ground. Serena watched as the flood of black uniforms obstructed her view of the inside of the hotel room.

When Chuck came to he looked up and saw Dan and Blair sitting on the ground against the wall. He realized that Dan had been shot in the shoulder by the sling that had been put on him.

"Why?" Chuck managed to ask as the partially dried blood in his mouth made it very hard for him to talk.

As Dan stood up and held out his hand for Blair he said in a sigh of defeat "I don't know… I honestly don't know."

Blair stood up finally with Dan's help as Chuck stared at her.

"Blair…" He managed to say.

"Don't…" Blair said with tears in her eyes. "Just don't… you never changed… not even with Eva… you… can't change."

"Blair, that's not true…" He coughed out blood. "I did all of this for you! That ring was meant for you!"

"Chuck…" Dan said as he stepped in between Chuck and Blair. "Just stop…"

Nate and Serena stood outside as they waited for the police to get their statements. There was an uncomfortable silence between them. Nate tried to hold her hand but she recoiled.

"I don't know what's gotten into you Serena." Nate said.

"Nate, don't…" Serena replied.

"This isn't about us Serena." Nate pleaded. "You were about to run into a room with a armed gunmen. What the hell is wrong with you!"

Serena looked away as tears started from her eyes again.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Nate asked again. "You think I don't care or that I'm just competing with Dan… did you ever consider that I genuinely care about you?"

Serena looked up shocked. She knew that Nate cared about her of course, but she hadn't thought about it in a long time.

"Look… Dan is a great guy." Nate started. "But what he's doing to you right now… it's not right. Look, I get how you can think this is none of my business but Serena… help me understand why you would just throw away your life like that?"

"I… I wasn't…" Serena choked on her words.

Thirty minutes later, after Dan had given his statement to the police he stepped out into the hallway of the fifth floor and found Blair sitting by herself on the ground. She had calmed down significantly since the initial incident but he could see that she hadn't quite processed all of it yet. He sat down beside her and kept silent for a few moments.

"So are you okay?" Dan said looking over at her.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Blair asked while her breathing still weighed on every word. "You're the one with a hole through your shoulder."

"Doctors say I'll be fine." Dan replied.

"You're crazy you know that?" Blair said.

"So I've been told…" Dan sighed.

"Why did you do it?" Blair asked.

"Do what?" Dan asked back.

"Save Chuck, why would you risk your life to save Chuck?" Blair asked.

"Because…" Dan said simply. "It was the right thing to do."

"And that's really enough for you, isn't it Dan?" Blair asked. "The right thing is enough for you to risk your life."

"You make it sound so stupid." Dan said.

"No…" Blair said looking down for a moment. "Why I ever settled for Chuck is beyond me…"

"You loved him." Dan said. "He went through all that just to get back that ring."

"I don't need a ring Dan." Blair said with the clarity of defeat in her voice. "I need a decent man…"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Is it pathetic of me to realize this only now?" Blair asked.

"No, no, not at all." Dan assured her. "It's hard to tell what decent is here. We've all made our mistakes. All we can do is try to make up for them."

"What if we can't come back from what we've done?" Blair asked.

"All we can do is try." Dan said. "All we can do is try…"

"I don't… I don't understand your strength Dan." Blair said closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the wall.

"It's Serena… she keeps me going." Dan answered simply, as if the answer was always so simple.

Blair looked over at Dan as he stared at the opposite wall. "She's a very lucky woman."

"Yeah well…" Dan said with a heavy sigh.

"She's just scared Dan." Blair said. "She loves you; she doesn't want to see you hurt. Just give her some time."

"I just don't know what to say to her…" Dan said in his mopey voice.

"_Sometimes you don't have to say anything…_" Blair said as if reciting something.

Dan looked over and gave her a weird look.

"_Sometimes, silence is the language of the soul._" Blair said with a smile.

"You remembered." Dan said as a smile appeared on his face.

"Vanity Fair, October 2011." Blair confirmed. "You know what else I remember? _Nice guys finish last…_"

She waited hoping that he could finish it. Dan closed his eyes and tried to recall his own words.

"_But decent men die first…_" Dan finished. "National Geographics, December of the same year…"

"Something to remember the next time you decide to pull a stunt like tonight." Blair teased.

Dan smiled as he stood up. He held his hand out and waited a moment for Blair to regain her strength. She took his hand and stood up slowly and smiled back at him.

"Dan…" Blair began to say.

"Yeah?" Dan asked.

"It's good to know that guys like you actually exist." Blair finished her thought.

Serena and Nate watched as Blair and Dan descended from the main staircase surrounded by paparazzi and news crews. As they made their exit from the party of the year, they suddenly realized they were at the very center of it all. As the flashes and shutters went off Dan shielded Blair's eyes from the blinding lights until they reached her limo. He safely tucked her into the backseat and slammed the door shut.

"I'm going to go with Dan." Serena said.

Disappointed Nate nodded in acknowledgement. "Take care of yourself Serena."

"Thanks…" Serena said softly. "I will."

Dan made his way through the crowd of press until he reached the ambulance. A paramedic came by to check on Dan's sling.

"I'm fine…" Dan protested as he shoved the paramedic's hand away.

He stepped up in front of Chuck as the paramedic's worked on him.

"Look man, you gotta make it up to Blair." Dan said.

"How?" Chuck asked defensively.

Dan closed his eyes and sighed to repress his anger.

"I'll give you a hint." Dan said. "It's not about a ring."

Chuck sat there looking at Dan confused.

"Figure it out."


	18. Chapter 18

_She had a lot on her mind and she had a lot she wanted to say but this wasn't the time. Somewhere in between feeling guilty for letting him put himself in a situation such as this and fearing for his life she found it in her heart to just be thankful that he was okay. And although she meant to give him a piece of her mind later she was content to slide her fingers in between his. Just to feel his warmth. Just love him when he wasn't looking._

_Because after all, she loved him and nothing was going to change that._

_She couldn't smile, she couldn't even look at him but worried about him painfully. It hurt her, but more than that it surprised her. It had taken her this long to realize that love itself can hurt, not just losing it. _

_So naturally when Dan stumbled forward her heart did likewise. He started to fall and she meant to catch him but she was not fast enough. He did manage to catch himself with the elbow of his good arm but it didn't take long for the paramedics to react to this. Despite what Dan's priorities for the night were. _

_Terrified, Serena cried uncontrollably as the paramedics held her back as they strapped Dan to a gurney and loaded him up into the ambulance. Her entire body hurt. She prayed for it to stop and she cursed Dan for putting her in that situation._

His hand twitched. It was how he woke up. It was always how he'd wake up. Serena remembered the mornings during junior year at Constance waking up in the loft holding Dan's hands as they lay wrapped around her waist. She remembered that his fingers were always the first to wake up. So she looked up hoping that he would open his eyes next.

And they did.

A tired stare connected the barely awake Dan with the emotionally and physically exhausted Serena. She mustered up a smile as thought it was the most appropriate thing to do at the moment. But she had so much more on her mind; so much more than what a smile could express.

"I'm sorry…" Dan whispered with a crackling in his voice.

Serena tightened up her smile and gently squeezed his hand. His fingers wiggled within the confines of her palm, as if to reciprocate and to hug when hugs aren't exactly possible. He just wanted to feel close to her.

Serena had been sitting at the side of his hospital bed for the past 5 hours. She was tired and her heart ached for him. But what could see do? She couldn't fix him right then and she wondered if she would be able to fix him when she took him home.

"I didn't mean to scare you…" Dan continued speaking as his voice slowly started to regain its former liveliness.

"Don't… don't say anything…" Serena said as the tears instantly started to flow again. "Save your strength."

Serena held his hand up to her lips and gently pressed the warmth of her breath against his fingers. She closed her eyes and wished this would all end. She wished that she could skip forward in time and have this chapter of their lives be nothing more than a memory. Dan fell back into a sleep as the image of Serena carried him away into his dreams.

Blair knocked on the door.

Serena turned to find Blair, dressed down, standing in the doorway looking in. She had the same sadness in her eyes as Serena had been carrying for the past several hours. She sat down beside Serena and without a word wrapped her arms around her best friend and cradled her. Serena turned her head inward and cried into Blair's shirt.

"How is he?" Blair asked quietly.

After a moment to collect herself, Serena answered "The doctors say he's going to be fine, just lost a little too much blood."

"That's good news…" Blair said.

"I guess he wasn't as strong as he thought he was." Serena said staring absent mindedly out into the hallway.

"Serena…" Blair said. "Don't say things you don't mean."

She paused and looked down at her hands.

"Don't say things just to hurt him." Blair said. "You and I both know that Dan is the strongest, most courageous man, we've ever known."

With her head still being propped up by Blair's shoulder Serena stared defiantly as if to ignore or even denounce Blair's words. She was angry and rightly so. She needed Dan to feel what she was feeling somehow, she needed Dan to feel the pain that he had put her through. And somehow, because she was Blair, or because she had lived through similar circumstances, she knew what the absence of words meant.

"Serena…" Blair whispered. "Don't do this…"

Blair leaned her head on hers.

"He loves you and I know it hurts… but don't think like that." Blair said and although she had been the only one speaking for a while, they indeed had a full conversation. "I've been down that road Serena… it's miserable."

Serena sat back up and let out a deep sigh.

"I just want him to feel… what I feel." Serena said simply.

"Serena… don't… he doesn't deserve this." Blair pleaded with her.

"He can't just do that to me and get away with it." Serena said.

"He saved my life Serena!" Blair shouted.

Silence. What could be said?

"He nearly ruined mine…" She whispered as she got up and left the room.

Blair watched as Serena's long strides carried her out of the room. Blair then turned her attention to the man that had just saved both her and Chuck's life. And in that moment, as she watched Serena leave him in his hospital bed alone, Blair realized that she owed him. Helpless, he laid there, blissfully ignorant of the pain he had inadvertently caused as well as the pain that was to come.

"She needs time." Blair said. "She'll eventually realize who you are today is nothing but a reflection of the kind of man she's always wanted."

Blair put her hands on his hoping that he would understand.

"You've molded yourself into a man that any woman would be proud of." Blair said as a single tear fell from her eye. "But its Serena; the girl who has everything and wants more…"

Blair looked down to collect her thoughts. She realized that Dan and Chuck were the two sides of the same coin; both men desperately trying to change themselves for the women they loved. Dan chose light while Chuck chose darkness. It didn't have to be this way. But it was. And you can't go back.

"Someday she'll realize that everything you've ever done, you've done for her." Blair continued. "She'll realize your sacrifice one day."

She paused hoping for him to respond but of course he wasn't going to.

"But not if you don't tell her." Blair whispered. "I know why you write Dan… you write because there are things you wish you could say that you just can't."

Blair looked up at his serenely shut eyes.

"But we don't get to read those stories. The ones you have packed away in boxes, locked up in storage facilities." Blair said. "Who are those for?"

Blair paused.

"I know who those are for" Blair continued. "But you'll never let her read them…"

Blair began to cry. He was a friend, a friend who risked everything to save her life. What could she do to repay him? And it broke her heart to think what Serena would do to him next.

"Why do you want so bad not to be human?" Blair asked through her tears. "Don't answer… I know the feeling all too well… I am after all… Blair Waldorf."

Serena stepped out into the lobby still in her dress. She was exhausted and wanted to go home. She stepped outside into the cool New York night and looked up at the stars. Of course she couldn't see them, she only wanted one moment of clarity, but the heavens wouldn't even give her that.

Just as Serena was going to hail a cab she noticed that she had walked right by Nate in the lobby. She turned around and walked back in and sat down beside him and hung her head in exhaustion. Nate put down his magazine and put his hand on her knee.

"How is he?" Nate asked.

Serena shook her head simply.

"You look exhausted." Nate said.

Serena looked up and found those blue eyes of his; it had been so long since she's truly looked at them. He cared; he still cared, after all of these years.

"I am a little shaken…" Serena said with a slightly quiver in her voice. "I just don't know what to feel…"

"You feel hurt…" Nate answered her question before she even asked.

Serena nodded in defeat.

"It's okay to be hurt Serena…" Nate said. "So Dan wants to play Superman… doesn't mean you have to be Louis Lane."

Serena looked up at him. Nate sensed that she just needed to feel like she mattered, she needed to feel like someone cared. He reached over and hugged her. The warmth of his embrace felt good, Serena slowly let herself wrap her arms around him and leaned her head against his shoulder.

As they broke their hug, Serena felt a huge weight lifted off her. Nate smiled at him the same he did when they first met.

"Remember, everyone wants to be Serena Van Der Woodsen's hero." He said. "Remember me? Remember Tripp? But you have to take care of yourself. Remember… don't let guys like… Tripp, or Ben, or Dan… don't let them define you. Don't let them hurt you… You're Serena Van Der Woodsen and you'll eventually realize what that means."

Serena smiled as she said "Wanna grab a drink?"


	19. Chapter 19

_You used to like the stories I wrote. You would read them over and over again. You would tell me about how great they were and how in love with them you were. And then you told me that you loved me. You told me that you've never loved anyone as much as you love me. But maybe that's just your story. Maybe that's just your way of telling me that you were in love with the idea of being in love. I could be anyone. And I was… I was Aaron, I was Nate, I was Gabriel, I was Carter, I was Tripp, I was Nate, I was Colin, I was Ben, and I was so many more._

_You told me you loved me. But you can love anyone and mean it. It's too bad that I can't…_

Dan pinched his shoulder and cringed silently in pain. His good hand gripped the table hard. He almost fell off of his chair. He managed to regain his balance but he was still in pain. A lot of pain. He tried to stay off the pain meds because he knew that he had a lot of explaining to do and he wanted to be clear headed during that conversation. But Serena had been busy that whole week. The first two nights she slept over at Blair's. When she was home, she spoke very little to Dan and Dan didn't want to push the issue. She had been staying out pretty late for the rest of the week and Dan just didn't have the energy to stay up and wait for her most nights.

Eric entered the apartment and dropped off two large bags of groceries in the kitchen. He found Dan laying on the couch with his arm in a sling with an air of exhaustion to him.

"How's the pain?" Eric asked.

"About the same." Dan said as his heavy breathing slowly started to diminish.

"You should probably take the pills." Eric said. "It's not like Serena has been around lately."

"It's my fault." Dan said. "I can understand if she doesn't want to talk to me right now."

Eric walked over to the dinner table that Dan had recently assembled.

"Place looks good." Eric commented as he found Dan's notebook. "Looks like you're finally ready for that housewarming party you guys wanted to throw a few weeks ago."

"I don't know if that's happening still." Dan said still lying on the couch. "Serena hasn't said much about it, or anything for that matter."

"Is this what you've been working on?" Eric asked.

"Yeah, the table was a bitch to build. It was totally awesome that Serena decided she wanted an oak dining set." Dan said sarcastically. "Let me tell you putting that thing together is nothing like assembling IKEA furniture."

"Yeah and with one arm to boot." Eric added.

"I try not to think about it." Dan said. "Keeps the pain at a minimum."

"Nice. But I was actually talking about your writing." Eric said as he held up the notebook. "How can you even read these scribbles?"

"The joys of being a right handed writer with a bullet wound in your right shoulder…" Dan said. "Besides, I don't exactly want anyone reading that anyways."

"Hey if you need any help with the furniture just ask." Eric said as he sat down on the opposite sofa.

"Thanks man." Dan said. "But I've basically got everything finished at this point. Besides, the table was the hardest thing."

"What about the dish washer?" Eric asked.

Dan closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. "I will get to that…"

Eric looked over at the kitchen with all the dirty pots and pans, unwashed dishes, and soaking wine glasses and said "Looks like you really need it now."

"It hasn't been that bad actually. I don't mind it and Serena hasn't had a meal here in at least a week." Dan said.

"You guys really need to talk." Eric said.

"We will. We will…" Dan said. "I just need to give her some time."

The wind blew through her hair as if to caress her face. It felt good to be outside again, outside of the apartment where the mood was heavy and the air was heavier. She found it hard to breathe in there, even when Dan was asleep. It felt good to be free. She remembered once long ago when Blair referred to him as "downer Dan", the phrase never felt more appropriate.

Being there, on the bridge with Nate, watching as the cargo ships rolled by; it felt good, it felt right. They silently stared out over the water, enjoying each other's company in a comfortable silence. It was funny how the exact same silence back at the apartment felt like pure dread.

"Nate, I've had a really good time hanging out with you the last few days." Serena finally said breaking the silence.

"I have too." Nate replied.

"And I'm… I'm sorry about trying to kiss you that night after we left the hospital." Serena said looking down with a hint of shame and embarrassment in her voice.

"It's okay Serena." Nate said. "Look, I don't know exactly how I feel about you. But that wasn't the way I wanted to find out. If… we ever do… kiss again, I wouldn't want you doing it behind someone's back. I would want you to do it because you wanted to be with me."

Serena nodded while still too embarrassed to look Nate in the eyes. "That's fair. I was very emotional that night, I wasn't thinking straight—"

"You don't have to explain yourself to me." Nate said. "If you really feel that strongly about it, you should probably talk to Dan."

"I know, I know…" Serena said. "It's just hard. It's hard to look at him right now, the way he is…"

"Dan's a great guy. And I have no doubt that he truly loves you. And maybe I'm doing myself a disservice by telling you this but… you owe it to him to at least try to work things out." Nate explained.

"That's what I've been telling myself." Serena said as the wind carried strands of her hair across her eyes, obstructing her view of the horizon. "I kept telling myself; try harder, try harder. When is it enough? When have I tried all that I can try?"

"Tell yourself to try, isn't the same thing as doing it." Nate said. "When my mom divorced my dad, she said she tried for two years… and yeah my dad didn't make it easy for her, but she just convinced herself that she was trying rather than actually doing it."

"Still hurting over that." Serena spoke as if it were a statement.

"No… I'm over it now." Nate answered. "But sometimes I can't help but wonder if things could've been different."

Serena looked into Nate's eyes as he spoke, she could sense his hidden despair. It was something that Nate had conquered but the scars remained. The scars will always remain.

"Me too…" Serena whispered.

It was dark and his shoulder still hurt like a bitch. On top of that he had to lean on it quite a bit as he used his one good hand to try to connect the power supply of the dishwasher to the main outlet; not an easy task by any measure since most of this had to be done behind the counters. His mouth gripped the flashlight, his mouth became his second hand. And when the job was finally done, it took all his strength to get back up again. Only to fail and collapse on the floor. He stayed there for a good twenty minutes just staring up at the ceiling. He would stayed longer but a spunky brunette walked in.

"Hey" Lexi said in her usual jovial voice.

"Hey Lexi." Dan said staring up at her from the ground.

"How's the view from down there?" Lexi asked with a smile.

"It's great, tiles… you never realize how many of them there are until you have 20 minutes to yourself just staring at them." Dan answered.

"Well the apartment looks great." Lexi said. "Serena really came through. She must never want to leave."

"Yeah…" Dan lied. "She loves it here."

That lie only accentuated the immense feeling of sadness that he had been trying to suppress for the last week. He missed Serena, he missed her a lot. She was usually gone before he woke up in the mornings and she would usually come home later than he could manage to stay up. Part of that was his fault, he couldn't exactly function on normal hours with his injury and he had only exasperated the problem by keeping himself busy with manual work around the apartment. He knew that it would only hinder his healing process but at the same time he had to get this place ready and presentable. Serena was going to assemble the dinner table and he wanted her to have a home, a real home to come back to every night.

He thought he had done a fine job. With one good hand he managed to assemble an incredibly heavy oak dining set, two work desks for him and for her, rewired most of the apartment for better internet and power access points, and installed the dish washer. But he, being Dan, didn't let himself be too proud; after all it was a man's job.

Lexi helped him up to his feet and lead him to the couch and sat him down.

"Jenny sent me over with some food." Lexi said.

"Thanks, but Eric brought over a lot of food earlier today." Dan said leaning his head against his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Lexi asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine… I just can't lean my head towards the bad shoulder that much… it really hurts." Dan said.

"Aww… you poor baby." Lexi said as she moved herself next to Dan and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. "I can't believe you just installed a dish washer by yourself."

"Well… I need clean dishes." Dan said. "This place isn't going to take care of itself."

"And who's taking care of you?" Lexi asked in her baby voice.

Dan gave Lexi a knowing glance. "I can take care of myself."

Dan got up and walked back into the kitchen.

"Always the man…" Lexi said.

"I'm trying to be at least." Dan said.

"Seriously Dan… where's Serena?" Lexi asked with genuine concern.

"She's busy. She has things to do." Dan said, even he knew that sounded weak. But he honestly did not know what she had been up to for the last week.

"More important than taking care of you?" Lexi persisted.

"Lexi, we're not doing this." Dan said as he took out a pitcher of water from the fridge and poured himself and Lexi water. "This isn't about Serena. This is about me being an idiot and getting shot."

"You just can't blame her for anything can you?" Lexi asked.

"Because this isn't her fault! She didn't shoot me." Dan said defensively.

"Fine it might not be her fault." Lexi said. "But why can't you admit that there's something seriously wrong about being out and about all day while your boyfriend is at home fixing your house while he's in a sling!"

Dan didn't say anything, he simply walked over and handed the glass of water to Lexi and took a sip from his own.

"You try asking someone for something when they are mad at you." Dan said calmly.

"She's mad at you?" Lexi asked confused. "What for?"

Serena and Nate had walked all day and Serena's feet were killing her. It was expected, but she also enjoyed, that she would always wear heels but she definitely regretted the decision for today's adventure around New York. She enjoyed seeing the city. And though she had lived in New York most of her life, she hadn't journeyed out of the Upper East Side much other than Brooklyn. It surprised her that it was Nate, not Dan, that gave her a walking tour of the city.

"So I had a really fun day." Serena said with a carefree smile.

"Me too." Nate said. "But you two should really talk. You can't avoid him forever."

"I know…" Serena said as she sunk a little. "It's just hard to look at him like that."

"I get it… when I saw my dad after he had been beaten up in prison... I didn't know what to say, I was caught off guard, I was speechless." Nate said. "But they need you, they need you at that moment more than ever."

Serena smiled at him.

"When did you get so smart?" Serena asked.

"I've had a lot of time to think." Nate said. "Listen, our conversation at the Bass Industries party… I didn't mean to step in between you and Dan. I was just worried, you gotta take care of yourself too remember? It's not just about him. But it's not just about you either. That's how Dan thinks. It's about the both of you."

"I do…" Serena said. "And I think I get that now. I have to stop worrying about him all the time."

"Learn to worry about yourself a bit." Nate said.

"I know…" Serena replied. "I'm just not sure where to begin."

As she finished her words, Serena noticed a flash at the corner of her eye. She turned to see what it was. But it was dark and if there was a figure there, it was gone now. But she had a heavy suspicion that it was Gossip Girl. And with Gossip Girl, you always had to be one step ahead.

"Hey Nate…" Serena started. "Would you like to come up? See Dan?"

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea." Nate replied.

"Come on, he could really use a friend right now." Serena said with a warm smile. "He misses you."

"Alright…" Nate said with a sigh of defeat.

They walked through the lobby undisturbed and wordless. Their ride up in the elevator was similar. When the reach the door and finally opened it, they found Dan sitting on the couch and Lexi there as well sitting on the opposite couch. Dan looked up in a panic. Serena's eyes darted back and forth between Dan and Lexi. There was a silence in the room. No one dared to move.

It was Nate who finally mustered the courage to speak "Hey man, so how's the arm?"


	20. Chapter 20

Author's Note: You guys love Serena. Stop being so hard on her. She makes mistakes, she is Serena Van Der Woodsen after all. Anyways, definitely lost a few readers in the last few chapters but it is my story and I'm going to write it the way I feel makes sense. It's also hard to write a friendship between two people of the opposite sex without suspicion of me shipping them.

Withhis one good hand Dan managed to lob a bottled beer to Nate. Nate caught it with one hand and smiled, signaling to him that life wasn't all that bad with one hand; you can still do a lot. Dan nodded in silent agreement. They stood as the cold of the night descended upon them. The sun had set but it wasn't completely dark yet. Still it was dark enough on the terrace, that Dan was half done setting up, to turn on the outdoor lights. It was perfect and Dan had hoped to share the moment with Serena soon but as of the last couple of days she had little to no interest in the workings of their apartment.

"So you did this all yourself?" Nate asked as he looked around.

"Yeah, I need to move a couple more sandbags over to that side." Dan said as he pointed to the far side of the terrace. "Serena wanted this lattice thing over there and I'm not gardener so it's gonna take me a while to figure out how that exactly works."

"She said all this?" Nate asked. "She hasn't really mentioned anything about the apartment renos."

"Yeah well…" Dan said as his voice slowed. "She's still pretty bitter about the whole shooting incident."

"Can you blame her?" Nate asked.

"No…" Dan said. "You're right. I can't keep asking her to be there for me when I do stupid things like that."

"Well…" Nate said. "It did land you on the front page of every newspaper in the city. _The man who saved a billionaire. _You should totally ask Chuck for money."

"What am I, poor again?" Dan asked rhetorically.

"I'm just kidding. But they are calling you a recluse now." Nate added. "Everyone's begging for an interview. You should do it, could be good publicity for your next book. Speaking of which; how's that coming along?"

"You mean except for the fact that I only type at half speed?" Dan asked again rhetorically. "I think it's slowly starting to come together. But I can't do another interview right now, I just don't have the strength or composure to smile in front of a interviewer and answer questions, there's just too much going on right now."

"I bet half the girls in Manhattan are just begging for a chance to _take care of you_." Nate joked.

Dan gave him a knowing look.

"I'm just kidding." Nate said. "So what are you going to do about Serena?"

"I've been trying to talk to her." Dan said as he let out a big sigh. "But she's been pretty busy the last couple of days. She's been hanging out with Blair a lot."

"Blair?" Nate's voice rose.

They stood there in the kitchen staring each other directly in the eyes. The leggy blonde towered over the brunette. But she didn't seem fazed. She almost seemed… defiant. This was no longer the snowflake ball, and the guy wasn't Aaron. And this was no longer about some petty resolved sexual tension; this was about basic human compassion. Or rather; a lack thereof.

"What are you doing here?" Serena asked in a sharp menacing voice.

"Jenny sent me over with some food." Lexi answered as if pleading the fifth.

"Right… because you only have the best intensions for Dan in mind right?" Serena asked sarcastically.

Lexi smiled and let out a short sigh "I don't think you're in any position to accuse me of having ill will towards Dan."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Serena asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Lexi's voice rose a little higher. "Do I really have to spell it out for you?"

There was a pause between them.

"Your boyfriend was just recently shot!" Lexi exclaimed. "He's in a sling! He's been working his ass off setting up this apartment with furniture that you ordered all for you! And you can't even spend the day with him?"

"This is none of your business." Serena interjected.

"Maybe it should be." Lexi replied.

"What are you implying?" Serena asked.

"The man hasn't taken a single pain killer since he got out of the hospital. Do you know why?" Lexi asked knowing that Serena, being Serena, would be too oblivious to know. "Because he wants to stay lucid for when the time comes when you stop calm down enough for a second to let him try to explain himself. He desperately wants to apologize to you. But from where I'm standing… you need to be the one apologizing."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Serena replied defensively, knowing that this was a losing battle.

"I don't know what I'm talking about…" Lexi trailed off. "Wake up Serena! He's literally killing himself to make it up to you. Do you understand what he's going through? Of course not, because you're out with Nate all of the time."

"You're out of line." Serena stepped in once again.

"No Serena, you're out of line. You're boyfriend has one arm, and even still, he's moving the sun and the earth for you…" Lexi said with earnestness in her voice. "I just wish you could see that… I wish you could understand just how fucking luck you are to have a man like him!"

Serena was speechless.

"Look, I don't know where you get your sense of entitlement. Maybe there's more Upper East Side in you than you're willing to admit, or maybe it's because you're tall, blonde, and gorgeous, and for the last 22 years of your life, it has never been about anyone else but you, but you have a man… a wonderful man… standing out there on the terrace. A terrace by the way that he has been killing himself trying to set up for you." Lexi shoved the words at Serena. "And maybe you've been told since you're childhood that you deserve, a prince, a man who would move mountains for you, who would love you so completely… well, he's standing right there… And from my perspective… I'm not sure that you do deserve him…"

Lexi stopped and let the words sink in.

"At this point, I wouldn't think twice about stealing him away from you." Lexi said as she gaged Serena's reaction. "And honestly, I would be saving him… from you."

Serena was angry, she was visibly angry. But she had no words to defend herself, Lexi had truth on her side.

"But honestly… that man is still in love with you, god knows why, and he'll be in love with you rest of his life." Lexi said in a softer voice. "It's funny that a man like that would make the rest of us the happiest girls in the world, but you can't even give him the time of day. And he won't even so much as look at me…"

As Serena's defenses started to crumble, Nate touched her on the shoulder.

"Hey… so you told Dan that you were with Blair this whole week?" Nate asked in an aggressive tone.

"Well… I…" Serena stumbled over her words.

"Serena…" Nate started. "You said Dan knew… I don't want to play the other man. Dan's my friend and I would never go behind his back. I care about you Serena but I think you took that the wrong way."

"Nate, wait, no you don't understand." Serena started to plea in a panic.

"I don't think we should be hanging out anymore." Nate said. "You really need to talk to him, be honest with him."

"Did you?" Serena started to ask.

"Did I tell him that you tried to kiss me?" Nate finished her question for her. "No… I thought I'd leave that to you."

And without saying goodbye Nate swiftly exited out the front door. Serena turned to Lexi who stood there silently and witnessed the conversation between her and Nate.

"Lexi, please don't say anything…" Serena begged.

Lexi gave Serena a look of pity.

"Go deal with your boyfriend." Lexi said simply.

Dan came back inside and stood there silently as he looked at Serena with hurt in his eyes.

"I'm taking off too." Lexi said. "I'll tell Jenny you said hi."

And with that, Lexi was gone and only Serena and Dan in their cold apartment. And it felt so cold. Dan sat down on the couch and prompted his head up with his one good arm. Serena sat down on the opposite couch awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

"Serena, I'm sorry…" Dan said as the hurt emanated from his voice too. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"No Dan…" Serena said in a soft voice. "I'm sorry. I should've been here more."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough for you." Dan said.

"No Dan—" Serena began to say but was cut off.

"I left New York to try to better myself. I came face to face with my own mortality on several occasions, including this one. I wrote furiously to try to work out my own feelings. I made my money through sheer force of will and hard work. And I did this…" Dan said as he found it hard to continue. "I did this all for you… but if that isn't enough…"

Silence.

"I have one arm and am constantly in pain and you can't even look at me." Dan said. "I don't know how much more I can give to you."

"I… I tried to kiss Nate." Serena said, thinking that confessing her sins would be the best thing to do right now. Dan hung his head in shame, but he wasn't surprised. How could he be after Nate revealed what Serena had really been doing this whole week. Dan stood up and looked away from Serena.

"What did I do wrong?" Dan asked earnestly believing that it was his fault, he had always blamed himself.

"Nothing…" Serena let out almost as a cry. "Nothing…"

Without warning, without a hint of previous motion, without provocation Dan balled his right hand into a fist and smashed it into the wall. Serena flinched. Dan closed his eyes and sucked in the pain through his teeth. That probably just set his shoulder's healing back another three weeks. But he didn't care, he needed that pain right now. He needed the pain of his arm to distract him from the corroding pain that was currently eating away at his heart. Yet again, he failed to be the man Serena Van Der Woodsen deserved. So she ran off with someone better. It always happened to him, he thought he'd be used to it by now. But he wasn't. So he raised his hand again.

"Stop!" Serena cried out. "Stop Dan!"

He wasn't going to listen this time. Serena got up from her seat rushed over and grabbed Dan by the left shoulder and threw him onto the couch. She mounted him and placed one of her hands gently over the wound as to not aggravate it and one hand gently on his cheek. She could see tears in his eyes. It had been so long since she had looked him in the eye and the gravity of his pain finally started to sink into her heart. It was excruciating. It was devastating.

"I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect you to love me after what I did." Serena cried. "And maybe this is over, maybe I screwed things up once again. But I will not allow you to destroy yourself for me… not again…"

Dan was speechless.

"A man pointed a gun at your head, Dan… and you said… _shoot me_." Serena cried, the tears flowed like the rain of the night that Vicky and Antonio died. "Shoot me you said… what was I supposed to think, Dan? How was I supposed to feel? You were willing to throw your life away? For what? For his salvation? For Chuck? What about me, Dan? Did you ever think of me when you decided that your life was worthless? Did you ever think that your life was worth something to me?"

Serena breaths were heavy. Dan could hear her crying and he could feel the tear drops land on his chest.

"You were going to leave me…" Serena cried. "You were going to leave me all alone."

Silence.

"Please don't leave me…" She whispered in an almost inaudible tone.

There was a silence again. This time, a long one. She lay on his chest as she silently cried into his chest, her hands stroking his hair, the other protecting the wound. He breathed and she breathed in unison. They had both hurt each other. They were both exhausted.

"So where does that leave us?" Dan finally managed to say.

"Broken…" Serena answered softly. "Repentant, and empty…"

Dan said nothing.

"I'm sorry, Dan…" Serena whispered. "And I don't expect you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know."

They laid there for what seemed like hours. They laid there on the couch until they both fell asleep. In each other's arms, despite the hurt, despite the suffering they had both inflicted on each other, despite not knowing where their futures lie, despite not solving a thing, in each other's arms they felt love. Because that's all they had anymore. They still loved each other. But love has proven itself destructive once again. Was he strong enough to rebuild this time? Would she help rebuild this time?

Serena woke up in the middle of the night. She looked up and realized that they had fallen asleep on the couch. She felt his warmth and embraced him. His good arm, by instinct, because it had always been his instinct, wrapped around her to protect her from the cold. It didn't matter what had happened, subconsciously, Dan still loved her and nothing was going to change that. Serena feared that it would ultimately be his downfall. And it made her sad to think that he may very well die because he loved her too much.

"I know… I screwed up…" Serena said to him in his sleep. "I am sorry Dan. I love you and I know that you may have your doubts about that now but I don't. I'm just not good at showing it. I have always loved you and I always will. But I've hurt you too much. And I don't know if we can come back from this… But I promise… I'm going to make this up to you."

And with that, and only that, Serena declared to the world and to herself a renewed commitment to Dan. And maybe they weren't going to work out, maybe she had broken them for good this time, but it didn't matter. She wasn't trying to save their relationship this time. This time, she was going to save Dan.


	21. Chapter 21

Author's Note: Thanks for all the concern guys, but I'm just fine. Nothing bad happened to me, I just had a case of writer's block. Anyways, thanks for all the anticipation and lovely reviews and PMs. Here's the latest chapter.

_It was an awful stench. And it had only been magnified by the unraveling of the old bandages. Dan tore away the orangey brown canvas that bound his knuckle for days. He held his breath and tried not to stare at his mangled hand for too long. He already had a fresh bandage ready to go. He turned his head and as the gentle breeze came in through the balcony window the smell of the morning Bosphorus filled his nostrils. He wrapped his hand quickly and with much precision as he could. Although he was very much still in pain, he had grown used to it in the last few weeks. _

_Edmund lay awake in the other bed in the room. He had been awake for a long time, long before Dan had woken up. Maybe it was the fan pointed solely at him, maybe he was afraid if he left the bed that Dan would steal and turn it in his direction; an act that Dan was not above doing. It had been a scorching few weeks. _

"_We should get going." Edmund said in a low voice._

_Dan got up and moved himself towards the window. He posted his injured hand on the frame of window and leaned on it slightly. Dan was testing the fortitude of his hand and gaging his slow healing process. He stared outside. He stared at the river. He stared and the countless houses that surrounded the river. He stared at the bridge. He stared at the bridge where he had broken his hand and he remembered the rain._

_He has never stopped remembering the rain._

"_Where to next?" Dan asked in a defeated uninterested tone._

"_Somewhere. Somewhere far from here." Edmund answered. "Possibly Serbia."_

"_I don't know if I can do this anymore." Dan continued. "I'm tired."_

"_Then go home." Edmund said sharply. "But ask yourself this. Do you miss New York? Or do you just not want to be here?"_

"_The cops aren't looking for me back in New York." Dan replied. "My friends in New York, aren't dead at the bottom of the Hudson River."_

"_Still bitter about that I see." Edmund answered in his uninterested tone._

_Dan could say something but it wouldn't change the fact that Vicky and Antonio were dead. And he was tired. He was tired of fighting with Edmund about it. He was tired of trying to justify it in his own mind. He was just tired. And he had been for a long time. New York seemed so far away; his former life, St. Jude's, NYU, Serena; his past life. _

_He wanted to go home._

It was as if he was being choked but when he opened his eyes the air rushed back into his lungs with alarming force. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was. Dreams that real always took a few seconds to wear off. The feint smell of salt water still lingered in his mind. He had always meant to return there one day.

He turned his head to look at the other side of the bed. Empty. As it had been for the last week. And although his injured shoulder would prevent him from snuggling up to Serena anyways, he had wished she could've been there, just to be there in bed with him. He posted himself up on his good arm and shook off the memories of years and lives past. He was grateful for the memories but his past was his past and leaving it there was the key to him moving on. He had realized this.

He got out of bed and walked over to bathroom to get himself ready for the day. He had become proficient at brushing his teeth with only one hand. Just as he finished the smell of fresh waffles triggered his attention. He followed the smell out onto the terrace.

There, she stood, with the new patio furniture that just came in a few days ago. The table was filled with food, more food than could possibly be consumed by two people. She wore his dress shirt, oversized and wrinkly; she had slept in it for the last couple of days. She stood awkwardly at the end of the table opposite to him; her demeanor uneven and fidgety; her eyes avoiding his.

"Waffles again." Dan said with a big smile on his face.

Dan sat down on the chair at his end of the table. His plate and cutlery had been expertly set up not only in a beautiful fashion but also so that he could eat with just one hand. The smile on his face did not go unnoticed by Serena. She was confused. He had found someone else? Why was he no longer angry? He had always been good at hiding his anger but this seemed different. He truly seemed happy.

Dan looked up at Serena and beckoned her over. It had been so long since Dan looked at her with a smile on his face her heart jumped at the moment and she skipped over. For a brief moment she felt light, light like the first time they kissed all those years ago.

The moment was brief.

She sat down in his lap as he silently commanded her to do. She felt awkward, she was unsure how to act around him still. She had been there the entire week, making him his meals, taking care of his work and dealing with the publicity onslaught; trying to be the perfect girlfriend. A task she had not thought herself up to. But she had done admirably well over the course of the last few days. She had learned to cook and she learned fast. And though Dan had refused the first couple of days, he eventually caved and showed Serena how to change his bandages.

"What's with you?" Serena said as she grabbed the knife and fork. "You seem different."

Dan smiled and looked down. He tried to find the words to explain his lightness but it wasn't so words, but a feeling.

"Here, watch your mouth." Serena said as she lifted a perfectly sliced piece of waffle up to his mouth.

Dan begrudgingly took the waffle into his mouth. He resented her feeding him but at the same time she had gotten so proficient at it. She knew exactly what size to cut the waffle, and what ratio of waffle to toppings he liked.

"I'm not a child." Dan said with food mumbling his words.

Serena tried to conceal her smile. She grabbed the glass of water off the table and fed the straw into his mouth.

"Seriously…" Dan said now with a clear voice.

"You've basically put this whole apartment together." Serena said. "You need to rest your arm, or it's never gonna get better."

"You don't have to feed me." Dan said.

"I want to feed you." Serena said with a smile as the waffle airplane came in for a landing followed swiftly with a kiss.

"So we're good then?" Dan asked.

"No" Serena said simply. "We're not, at all. But we will be, hopefully."

"I see…" Dan said with a hesitant sigh.

"What do you want me to do?" Serena asked. "I'm making an effort."

"I know, I know." Dan said with a smile and a half uninterested disposition.

"Seriously, what's up with you today?" Serena asked.

"I just had a really good dream." Dan answered.

"Oh yeah? About what?" Serena asked as she sliced up another piece of his waffle.

"Istanbul." Dan answered.

Serena dropped the cutlery and looked at Dan sternly.

"No, it's not what you think." Dan said.

"What am I supposed to think?" Serena asked. "You last time you had a dream about that you woke up choking on your own breath and in a pool of sweat."

"Well, things change." Dan said.

Serena looked away with an unsatisfied look as she continued to work on Dan's breakfast.

"Serena…" Dan said. "I was back on the banks of the Bosphorus in a cheap motel overlooking the scene where Vicky and Antonio had died just a few days prior. The room had no air conditioning, it smelled of drugs and sex and Edmund was hogging the fan."

Serena cut herself a piece and ate it.

"And I remembered the feeling that I had." Dan continued. "I missed New York. I missed you. And I guess I had forgotten that feeling, but it was the reason I came back."

Serena gave him a halfhearted smile. "Dan, that's sweet. But that's not enough for me. I didn't experience the things that you did. I didn't backpack across Europe and survive the Congo. This is the only life I've ever known, and these problems and the things I did… however superficial you think they are right now… they are real to me."

"I know." Dan spoke softly. "I just wish I could share how I feel. This immense happiness from simply just being here."

"I didn't almost die Dan." Serena said as she shoved another piece of waffle into his mouth.

Dan thought about it for a second. "Hm. What about Saints and Sinners?"

Serena almost laughed but restrained herself.

After breakfast Dan found himself, like the last few days, laying on the couching waiting for Serena. She appeared out of the bathroom with the first aid kit. She gracefully glided over to Dan. She smiled at him as she climbed on top of his relaxed body. They stared at each other intensely. There was a moment of complete silence.

It happened every single time. As time slowed during this seemingly insignificant moment where Serena sat on top of him and as the light came pouring in through the windows catching the edge of her hair to make it glow. She was angelic; she had always been so, but in this moment, dressed down to nothing but her natural self, where only her genetic beauty and her primal graces mattered. She was more beautiful than ever.

"This is just the best part of my day." Dan joked.

Serena smiled. "Shut up."

She slowly leaned over and untied his sling. Her gentle breath caressed his face. The serenity of the moment had taken over. Dan closed his eyes and tried not to focus on the pain. He let the moment embrace him. Especially after the dream he had earlier he was willing if not eager to be right there, right now. He could feel her moving across his body. He could feel the weight of her motions, he could feel every inch of her body; how her legs braced his just a little tighter during the tricky part of the bandage removal, how her breath quickened and slowed with every active motion and every passive action; how she would caress his face with her hand every so often just to make sure he was okay.

"I'm in love with you Serena." Dan whispered from his half asleep state. "I'm falling in love with you."

Serena smiled, she knew what he meant and it was funny how he was saying it now. It was almost as if he were drunk.

She leaned over to his ear and whispered, "shhh, don't talk. It's almost over."

She tied the sling back up and kissed him gently. He opened his eyes with a large smile. She just sat there looking at him, without words, without so much as a _hello again_. He was just fine with that. He wanted to enjoy the moment. He had realized he had spent so much time trying to find his way back. He needed to slow down and take it all in. Things weren't perfect, but he didn't need them to be.

Things were never perfect.

He wiggled around his pelvis suggestively.

"No. Not until you get better." Serena said in a stern voice still sitting on top of him.

"C'mon… it's been so long." Dan protested.

"Hey!" Serena said as she slapped his chest. "Have I not been taking care of you the last week?"

"You have, you have." Dan admitted. "It's just… don't you need anything? From me? Don't you get tired of the jaw cramps?"

Serena laughed. "It's okay Humphrey. I don't mind."

"Serena… I love you." Dan started. "I know that we save that a lot but sometimes I think we say it just as an excuse for not dealing with things. This is not that. I just think that sometimes we need that reminder. Last night, I dreamed that I was back where I was a year ago, stranded in a far off land with nothing. And to wake up here, now, with this, and you… I know things aren't perfect but I realized how fortunate I am to have you here with me. It's everything I've ever dreamed of."

Serena smiled and leaned her head against his good shoulder.

"I've lived in New York my whole life. But this, this apartment, which you've furnished and decorated beautifully I might add." Dan said.

"Thank you." Serena said in her giggly voice.

"And you, the most gorgeous girl in the world, on my arm…" Dan said. "How can I make you understand how lucky and how happy you make me feel?"

"I understand." Serena said in a more solemn voice. "I understand how much you love me. I get it, but I don't think you get how much I love you. And I don't expect you to. I have been the worst girlfriend—"

"No." Dan interrupted.

"Yes." Serena persisted. "But I do Dan. I love you, so much. And you don't have to believe me. That's completely fair. And I know you feel lucky to have me. But you have no idea how lucky I feel to have you. And that's why I insist that we continue the way we have been for the last week. I think it is good for us. I'm sorry if I'm being a bit overprotective of this relationship right now. But I've done a lot to screw things up. And I just want to make it right before moving forward."

"I believe you Serena." Dan replied.

"I know you think that right now." Serena said. "Because you want to. But that doesn't change anything. So tonight, we're going to order Italian and we will continue… as hard as it is."

"Where are we at now?" Dan asked as his head leaned backwards.

"Colin." Serena answered.

"That's right… Colin." Dan answered. "The millionaire. I'm surprised I beat out that guy."

"You would beat out every guy in the world." Serena said in her light voice as she snuck a kiss.

"Sounds like it's going to be a long night." Dan said still hesitant about the idea of talking about Colin all night.

"Don't worry." Serena said. "When we're both talked out, you can shut me up the way you have the same way you have the last few nights."

Serena winked. "And we've got just enough whip cream left over from breakfast… just a thought."

Afterword: Do you guys want in on these Dan/Serena self-therapy sessions?


	22. Chapter 22

Author's Note: Thanks for the warm welcome back! It's nice to hear from you all. Here's that little non-plot chapter I promised, you guys seemed into the idea and I had a few ideas of my own. Looking back, I'm glad I wrote it. I know it's a bit short.

She took the time to look over the kitchen one last time. It was clean. It was definitely clean. She wasn't coming back here again tomorrow. And she did it in record time too. Proud of herself, she grabbed the champagne and two glasses and headed back to the bedroom.

Her hair was messy, her clothes, well she wore that dress shirt for the whole day. She hadn't been out of the apartment in three days. A part of her, a small part of her loved the fact that she could be lazy and relaxed with Dan without a care in the world, she tried to deny the existence of those thoughts in her head but they were definitely there. She also secretly loved the feeling.

She handed Dan the glass and sat cross legged at the other end of the bed. She popped open the bottle of champagne and held it over the edge of the bed as to not let any drip on it. She poured Dan and herself half a glass and gently placed it back into the ice bucket.

"Cake was definitely a good idea." Dan said as he sliced himself off another piece of cake that sat in between him and Serena.

Serena's smile lit up her face. "I'm glad you like it."

"You should have another piece." Dan said as he took a bite of his own.

"No thank you." Serena said in a dapper voice. "A girl must watch her figure."

"When have you ever had to worry about that?" Dan said in an unimpressed tone.

"Oh you poor thing." Serena said in a mock-condescension. "You have no idea what I have to do to keep looking like this. Not all of us stay in shape by running away from third-world law enforcement."

"All I'm saying is you didn't seem to have the normal cliché body issues in high school that every other girl in Constance seemed to have." Dan said continuing his work on his slice.

"Yeah well… I was Blair's best friend right? I know too well where that road leads." Serena said putting her hands on her bent knees.

"Serena, you are strong woman you know that?" Dan said.

"I think you've told me that before." Serena said as every word resonated with a slight hint of nostalgia.

"Really? When?" Dan asked as he took another bite of cake.

"Oh I should so be mad at you for forgetting this. Once your arm gets better I'm so making you— " Serena tried to say.

"There, that's it. Because you used to interrupt me all the time. It was when I first said I loved you and you asked why." Dan said as his voice trailed off at the end.

Dan put down his fork. Serena waited for more, it seemed like he wasn't done.

"So I told you. The way you were there for Blair. In her time of need, you inspired me…" Dan said. "And I thought to myself, in my time of need, will she be there?"

There was a silence between them. It was comfortable but frightening.

"Oh my god, what am I talking about?" Dan said as he leaned back and put his hands on his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't've…"

"No, no, no, no." Serena said as she jumped up and rushed over to him, pinning his shoulders to the bed while sitting on top of him. "Say it, I want you to say it all, everything you've ever felt about me. I need to know."

Serena slowly lowered her head to touch his. She opened her mouth ever so slightly. She whispered the words as if only for him and no one else. "You have no idea how much I treasure each and every word."

"Now… where were we?" Serena asked as she propped herself up.

Dan did the same and neared his face to Serena's. "I think we just finished Colin."

"Right, so Ben's next." Serena said.

"Uugghhh… Ben…" Dan said as he collapsed back against the bed.

"Come on…" Serena pleaded. "This is important and besides, you liked Ben."

"Doesn't mean I liked seeing him with you." Dan said still covering his eyes with his good hand.

"I didn't think you were that jealous of Ben." Serena said.

"You knew?" Dan asked.

"I had my suspicions. You aren't that good of an actor. Being quiet and tight lipped doesn't mean that I can't tell when something was bothering you." Serena said.

Dan propped himself up on his good elbow. "It's just that this was the first guy… that I couldn't just compare us to. Before, as much as it hurt me to see you with Carter, I could tell that you weren't as happy with him as you were with me. I knew, I knew that we had greater moments. But with Ben… I couldn't tell."

"Why, because I knew him before I knew you?" Serena asked as she put her hand on his face.

"Yeah, partly." Dan said. "But also because even though I was living with him I couldn't tell how he felt or how he made you feel. He was good at being quiet. I guess I just felt like you were trying to replace me with him, since we were kinda similar. Or maybe that I had been the replacement all along…"

"Dan, that's not true." Serena said in a distressing tone.

"I know…" Dan said with a definite sound of doubt in his voice. "But it doesn't matter now. And you seem stronger for it."

"What do you mean?" Serena asked.

"The whole time you were with Ben, you had made such an effort with him. Honestly, more than I thought you had in you. At the same time, it sucked because you were doing all of this for him… instead of me." Dan said. "And I know that sounds petty and selfish."

"No, it doesn't." Serena said with a tear in our eye.

"But you definitely changed then. It wasn't a sudden change, it was gradual, but you saw that the world sucked outside of our little bubble. And for the first time, I think you actually cared." Dan continued.

"So what does that make me?" Serena said as she wiped the tear from her eye. "A terrible person?"

"No!" Dan said as he neared her face. "Most people never realize this. I'm so proud that you did. And you made me follow suit."

"That's why you left New York…" Serena whispered.

Dan nodded silently.

"It took me a while to realize it." Dan said. "I watched as you made your way around Brooklyn, you never judged Ben for being a waiter, and you never held all of the things Juliet did to you against him. You just cared about him. I wanted to be like you."

"I think you give me too much credit Dan." Serena said in a weary voice, almost with a disdain for the adoration that she felt was undeserved.

"Or maybe I just take things too far. Maybe leaving New York was a mistake. I mean after all that, two years, what am I left with? A bullet wound in the shoulder." Dan said looking down at his injury.

"Hey, hey." Serena said as he lifted his chin back up. "Don't pretend that everything you've done is worthless. All of the amazing stories you've written. All of the lives you've revealed to a city that has no idea of the world outside its walls. Every life you've saved, not just out there but here. Don't pretend that it all means nothing. It means something. You saved Chuck's life. You're saving mine right now."

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Dan asked.

"Don't say anything." Serena replied simply.

She pushed him back onto the bed gently. She leaned over and kissed him long and hard. With more passion than she had ever before. She had no reason before, all those men, all those many men; they loved her more than she ever loved them. Dan was different; she loved him more than he could possibly love her. Sure, he was better at showing it than she was, but she knew that she loved him more. And only now did she begin to realize that it wasn't a bad thing; it was a great thing.

Serena broke their kiss to let them both catch their breaths again. She leaned over and placed her head between his neck and his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him as she gently floated above him with her curled limbs supporting her.

"I'm tired." Serena said absently.

"Me too." Dan replied in a similar manner.

"Can I sleep like this?" Serena asked.

"Of course you can." Dan replied.

"What about the cake?" Serena asked.

Dan peaked his head up to look at it. Their plates and the cake were still on the bed but neither of them wanted to move.

"We'll deal with it in the morning." Dan said as he let his head fall back onto the bed.

Serena sighed. "That's what I was hoping to avoid."


	23. Chapter 23

Author's Note: Sorry for the how short it is; _interregnum_ in the purest sense of the word.

She helped him with his tie. She gave him a Half Windsor knot, she thought it suited him. Dan wanted something more full but Serena knew best; at least that was the thought that ran through his mind. It wasn't his place to argue over fashion with her. It was actually quite a nice feeling knowing that he would never have to worry about how to dress and at the same time knowing that he would always look dashing walking out of the house.

She looked at the knot. The vision triggered the corners of her mouth to roll up slightly. He was handsome, in some many ways. But the tie, the dress shirt, the suit, even if he despised it all, it worked on him. She just wished that he could see himself the way she saw him. He had talent, Serena had never doubted that. But with his talent, what does he do? He goes to remote parts of the world to explore and to learn, simply that and nothing else. Had she ever been so free in her life? She didn't need it and truthfully she didn't want it. She was scared, and as much as she loved Dan and how he looks at the world, his view of the world is scary. It triggered emotions that she wasn't ready nor knew how to deal with. So she looked at the knot. And it reminded her of what he could've been in her world. And even if it is only for an interview; a charade for the public, she was still thankful that she gets to see this side of Dan once in a while.

She held his hand as they slowly exited out of the elevator. They both could hear the mumbling of people and the sounds of flashes. There was a feint cheer. It grew louder. They both silently braced themselves as they turned the corner and the flashes fired and the mumblings became a deafening wall of noise.

And in that moment as if the world had been slowed by the momentary pauses created by flash bursts they turned to each other in the face of the whole world. She a Manhattan Princess of childhood and he, a globetrotting young up and coming novelist also from New York, the public adored them.

He carried his arm in a sling, they could see the bandage peeking through the thin lining of his dress shirt. It was his battle wound, it was his mark of honor. If she was a princess he would most definitely be a knight.

She dressed in a white sundress in matching heels clasped his hand and ever so slightly leaned upon him as they walked together. She wouldn't have ever known that she did that had Jenny not pointed that out to her once. Now she is reminded every time she holds his hand. And she embraces her little habit with the fullness of her heart.

And as this narrative plays out both in the mind of public, Dan writes it word for word in his mind. A true modern fairytale, and he was the main character. And as though he is actively writing in the next chapter in his actions he leaned in and kissed her; the final moment to end the tale. He wished this was his happily ever after moment, he absolutely wished it.

"I'll see you tonight?" Dan said softly with a smile, his voice barely audible atop the white noise of the crowd outside.

She nodded her most earnest nod. She was happy for him. She wanted to be happy for him. So she did the best she could and it was pretty damn good. But in the back of her mind all she was thinking was, _don't go_.

Dan oblivious, turned towards the crowd and with every stride the space between him and Serena widened as though a ship leaving her behind and she was… _sinking_.

But no, this time they swim. This time would hold each other's hand and not let go. So she would be strong and she would not make a scene and she would not burden him with such trivial insecurities.

He vanished in the wall of white light. Her eyes pierced through the crowd with vicious intent, _where is he_? She mind asked her eyes. Find him, she commanded herself. But he was gone. And she had realized what she was doing. She realized she had to let him go. He was no longer Dan from Brooklyn, he was no longer lonelyboy. The writer he had become, the man he had become, well that man doesn't solely belong to her now like the Dan of St. Jude's belonged to her then. He was now a man of the public, a man of his fans, and a man of the media and the world of American literature. And she would have to share him with them.

The crowd disappeared, slowly scattered t until it was only herself in the lobby. It was lonely. _Lonely_. She smiled to herself as she finally realized for the first time what Dan had experienced time and time again when her world dragged her away from him. Now his world would repay her in kind.

She sat there, on the couch, motionless as it started to rain outside. It was cold and wet and he was gone. A building isn't shelter enough, not anymore. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She wouldn't cry; this was what he had always wanted. How could she possibly be sad about that? She loved him way too much to let a silence and loneliness, however much it was eating away at her, tear him away from his dreams. She learned right then and there what it truly meant to be in love. She learned sacrifice. And she'd sacrifice for him ten times over simply to make him happy.

He was gone. She was in a melancholic mood.

_Waiting for the next chapter of the fairytale to begin._


	24. Chapter 24

Author's Note: Hey guys, sorry about the long delay between updates. First a minor injury effectively stopped me from being able to use my left arm for a couple of days, which obviously meant no typing. And then after that I ended up writing an unrelated DS story in between (check it out). Anyways, so sorry for the wait, enjoy this chapter and thanks for all the nice comments as usual!

There was a look in his eyes. Ordinary people didn't recognize it but she knew it. He was bored and he was trying to hide it. It was the same look that he had when she went on about her trips to Paris or her minor squabbles with Blair. But this wasn't that situation and Serena had a tendency to worry now a days. It wasn't her fault, all that had happened, his wound was still visible for all to see. She had screwed things up so many times before and she was still unsure what the right choices even were. That look in his eyes scared her.

"So, what was it like?" The interviewer asked with genuine intrigue.

"It hurt. You know how they say you go into shock?" Dan said frankly. "Well I didn't going into shock."

"So what prompted you to save him? I know that he's your step brother but you seemed to have a sordid past with him." The interviewer asked.

"It's true. But that doesn't mean I was just going to stand by and watch him die." Dan replied.

"But that heroism, that selflessness, help me and everyone else understand that. Blair Waldorf has been very vocal about your actions on that night." She continued.

"I wish she hadn't said anything." Dan replied with a chuckle. "Look, I don't know how to explain it. But it wasn't heroism. It was… just my nature I guess."

"So you're naturally inclined to being a hero?" The interviewer said with a big smile.

"No, no, I didn't say that." Dan jumped in quick. "Let the record show that I did not say that."

He was quite a distance away but Serena had a clear view from her seat pack stage. There was a large TV for her to watch if she really needed to see his expression. She was worried and that look on his face didn't help. She didn't know what was wrong. He said everything was fine, he smiled at her constantly. And she had been making an effort to reconnect with him after the shooting. She had learned to change his bandages, she had learned to cook. She did everything for him, despite his protests.

"He's… a complicated man." Dan said directly from his thoughts. "What I've learned about people, from my travels, from my own personal relationships, is that… people are not black and white and yes it is a lot easier to deal with them in those terms but it wouldn't be fair. And you wind up ruining all your relationships that way."

"Is that what Inside was truly about?" The interviewer asked him.

"To an extent, that's what all my writing is about." Dan replied. "Look, I know it isn't very respectable for a man to be a relationship columnist and I know a lot my writing comes off as such but what I find is that it is more important to write about things that need to be said or read rather than chasing after grandeur."

"And is that what your next book is going to be about?" She continued to ask.

"It could be. You can never truly run away from yourself can you?" Dan asked rhetorically.

Those words hit Serena hard. She knew it wasn't specifically meant for her but that doesn't mean that it wasn't true. She had spent the last few weeks following Dan around, making sure he was okay, making sure that he was taken care of. Dan had been the star of the show ever since his shooting incident. And as much as she tried to deny it, it affected her. She wasn't used to the media ignoring her. She wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of being Dan Humphrey's girlfriend.

"He looks bored doesn't he?" A familiar voice came from behind her.

She turned around.

"Nate, what are you doing here?" Serena asked after being slightly startled.

"Dan asked to me to come." Nate answered.

"Why, why would he ask you to come?" Serena asked confused.

"Probably because he's sick of you avoiding me." Nate said.

"I don't know what we have to talk about." Serena said.

He watched from the corner of his eye; Serena and Nate in the darkness, just a few feet away past the lights, mics, and cameras. He watched their faces, he watched for her reaction, he watched for his gestures.

"But how much more can you possibly write about when it comes to people?" The interviewer asked.

"There's plenty to explore. The very idea of story is to explore the conflict between people. At least that's what I think is the most compelling type of story." He tried to focus on the interview but his eyes couldn't help but look. "We maim and murder. We lie and cheat. We love and hate. And at the end of all that, what are we left with?"

"What are we left with?" The interviewer asked.

"Our scars…" Dan said as his voice softened. "That which tells our own stories. That which defines us. So at the very end of the journey, we can see if there is any hope left for us."

The interviewer paused. She discretely turned her head to look at what Dan was looking at.

"And is there?" The interviewer asked.

Dan smiled and looked down at his wound. "We'll see…"

And it was at that moment that Nate and Serena both looked at Dan on stage. They knew that he had seen them.

It was late in the afternoon and Dan had been silent for most of the morning after the interview. He sat outside on the terrace and watched as the city moved all around underneath him. Thousands of people have crossed his line of side, each with their own lives, each with their own troubles, he wondered what each and every one of them were. He studied people; that's what he was good at; that's what he enjoyed. If only to find a way to make sense of himself.

Serena came outside to join him. She sat down beside him and sighed. He reached out and grabbed her hand.

"I… I don't know if I can do this." Serena murmured.

Dan smiled. "I know. I didn't ask you to."

"Well what else was I supposed to do?" Serena asked.

"You didn't have to do anything." Dan said.

"I thought I was making things better." Serena said.

"Look Serena. I really appreciate you making breakfast for me every morning, I really appreciate you changing my bandages, and I know you mean well." Dan said. "But this, all of this isn't you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Serena asked defensively.

"You are Serena Van Der Woodsen…" Dan said. "I think you know what that means."

"It means I love you." Serena replied.

"I know…" Dan said simply. "But it means you also love Nate Archibald."

"Why did you do that?" Serena asked in an angry tone. "Why did you ambush me like that?"

Dan smiled again and looked down. "Look Serena, you say you want to change. You say you want to love me. But have you ever asked yourself why?"

"What? What are you talking about?" Serena's tone softened.

"Have you ever wondered why you always end up going back and forth between me and Nate?" Dan asked.

"No, why, tell me." Serena said sarcastically. She didn't want to hear his explanation, mostly because she knew it was going to be the truth.

"Did you apologize to him?" Dan asked calmly.

"What?" Serena asked in a puzzled voice.

"You say you want to change." Dan said. "But people only change for themselves, no anyone else. Did you even realize how much you hurt him?"

"Well… I hadn't really…" Serena tripped on her words as she was caught off guard by his question.

"I gave you a chance. I called a meeting. You wanted to change Serena. But even still, with all the work you've put into taking care of me and being the perfect girlfriend…. How long do you think that's gonna last?" Dan asked.

Serena sat there; she had no words.

"You have to realize the consequences of your actions." Dan said.

There was a pause between them. He sat there and waited as she tried to digest his words. Why were they always so hurtful? It was because they were true.

"You can't just make things right with me and expect you to magically become someone else." Dan said. "That's not how this works."

"I know." Serena whispered in a defeated voice.

"You've been feeling the same things I've been feeling the last few weeks. I didn't know what it was at first." Dan said. "I thought… I thought you wanted to be with me. But what I really think you want… after watching you shy away from the media and not ever talking about Nate, as if he never happened… you want to go back to junior year at Constance."

"I know…" She continued in the same tone. "I liked myself then… I liked who I was when I was with you…"

"We're not in high school anymore Serena…" Dan said.

"I've been trying to get back to that place ever since Georgina…" Serena said as she began to cry.

"I know. And I realize that now. You aren't in love with me." Dan said.

Serena shot her head up and looked at Dan, her eyes filled with tears.

"You're in love with _us_, 6 years ago." Dan said. "I don't want to go back there…"

Serena nodded, she understood exactly what he meant.

"I want to move forward." Dan said with a stern voice.

Serena couldn't look at him. She didn't want to show him her sadness. He was right; she was just trying to recreate her fantasy from a time long since passed. She wanted to be in that place, where she was the happiest, the most content, and where there love was simple. But it wasn't simple anymore. And talking about her past relationships, as much as she tried to with Dan, everything she had ever said during those late nights minimalized the issues. She had hurt him, she pretended like it didn't matter, like that it was Dan and it had always been Dan in her heart. But the truth is that her heart shifted directions like a leaf in the wind. And who knows when the next time the wind would blow?

"My contact in South Africa contacted me to write a piece for a human trafficking ring down there." Dan said with the same stern tone as before.

Serena, stunned again, had no words.

"I'll be leaving in two days."


	25. Chapter 25

Author's Note: Sorry, I've been neglecting this story as of lately. I've been working on something original for the last few weeks and it's been taking up most of my time. Anyways, I'm glad you guys are still interested in this story. Thank you all for reading.

She was blinded for a moment. For a moment, a brief moment, she saw pure light, white, unchanging, all consuming. How long she stood there she wasn't sure but it felt like an eternity. The hall was empty, it was a late Tuesday afternoon and there were only a few tourists when she walked in. The sound of her heels resonated through the perfect halls where thousands of years before her a countless multitude of voices sang their praises to the most high.

Here in the loneliest of places, where the soul was laid bare before the majesty of both man and the divine she stood silent, staring up into the window that poured light upon her, watching her, cleansing her. Here, a thousand miles away from everything she had ever known, her cellphone, her shoes, her clothes, her perfect hair meant nothing.

And finally, she began to understand.

_She sat at the dinner table alone. She hadn't seen Dan all day. She tried to call him but she knew that he was ignoring her calls. The door opened and her head bolted and turned towards the direction of the sound. She was hoping that it was Dan but it wasn't. It was Blair. Her face carried an expression of pity. She had heard. _

_Blair sat down on a chair next to her best friend and reached out to hold her hand. She initially said nothing. It was always better to wait for her to say something first._

_Finally she did._

"_I thought I was doing everything right…" Serena said with a lifelessness in her voice._

"_I know S…" Blair said to her friend. "It's not you."_

"_Then what is it?" Serena said as she lifted her eyes to Blair so that she could see clearly the tears that had flooded her cheeks._

"_It's him." Blair replied._

_Serena's head dropped once again._

"_Do you know what he said to me before he left?" Serena asked. "He said that he didn't want to go back to where we were happiest. He said that he couldn't ignore who he had become and who I had become."_

_Blair said nothing._

"_How is that not me?" Serena cried out softly._

"_Sweety…" Blair said as gently squeezed Serena's hand._

"_How is that not me?" Serena whispered again._

_As one arm hung gently in his sling his other lugged a large backpack around in the airport terminal. It was grinding away at his shoulder as he watched as the never ending sea of airplanes passed him by. He looked for his gate but realized it was further than he had realized. He checked his phone for the time. Two hours until departure. He was early as usual, but this time he didn't want to be. If he had any time alone to himself he was going to think about it. And he did not want to think about it._

_He would have to deal with the fact that Serena would eventually grow to hate him. He would have to deal with the fact that he may not come back at all. He would have to deal with the fact that in his heart he knew this was an incredibly selfish decision but one that was also necessary._

_He couldn't continue trying to love Serena the way that he had. It wouldn't be fair to him or to her._

_She walked into the penthouse of the Empire. She hadn't been here in a while. This place, where she had lived for a few months, brought back memories, memories of that year between high school and collegiate, of Chuck and Blair, and of course of Nate. _

_They had been in love and as much as she's tried to put it all behind her she knew that this was not over._

_He appeared from his room with an expression of genuine confusion on his face._

"_Serena, what are you doing here?" He asked._

_Serena opened her mouth but then took a second to think about it. _

"_Isn't Dan leaving today? Why aren't you at the airport?" Nate continued with his questions._

"_This… this is more important." Serena said with a confident voice._

_The hours passed but not without difficulty. Dan had managed to sleep through most of it but not before a very futile attempt at leaving the airport. Now he stood in front of the gate, waiting in line as the other passengers in front of him boarded the plane. With every step he drew closer to his destination but further from her. It hurt him more than he was willing to admit._

_He thought it made him weak._

_And he didn't want to be weak._

_He handed the flight his boarding pass and other documentation, she checked it over and wait a bright smile she handed it back to him and said "you may enter."_

_There was a pause and in that pause Dan said to himself, that's what I was afraid of._

_Serena stood there, her gaze fixed upon Nate. Her eyes revealed a determination that neither Nate nor Dan had ever known of Serena. Indeed it was something that was completely new to herself. But there she was, certain and unafraid._

"_I know… that, I haven't treated you fairly." Serena said with genuine remorse in her voice._

"_Serena, you don't have too—" Nate said before being cut off._

"_Not ever." Serena continued, "The way I left for boarding school right after the Sheppard Wedding… the way I avoided you after I came back… the way I treated you when we were going out…" Serena said._

"_You don't have to do this." Nate said._

"_Yes I do." Serena said again with her new found conviction. "I'm sorry Nate. And I know that doesn't make up for anything I've done to you over the last six years but you have to know that I never meant to hurt you…"_

"_I think I do." Nate said._

"_But that's not enough is it?" Serena said. "I've hurt you and nothing changes that. Not good intentions, not my apology."_

"_Serena stop." Nate cut in. "You can't beat yourself over what happened years ago. I've forgiven you."_

"_But…" Serena tried to say._

"_But nothing." Nate cut in again. "I've forgiven you, that's all there is. That's all we can do. We can't change the past but we can make our futures. That begins with forgiveness."_

"_So where does that leave us Nate?" Serena asked._

"_Do you still love me?" Nate asked plainly._

"_No, Nate." Serena answered with that same confidence. "I don't. That's the truth, and it is long overdue. At first, I didn't want to hurt you but I ended up doing that by not being honest with you anyways."_

"_That's all I needed to hear." Nate said._

"_Are you mad?" Serena asked._

_Nate smiled. "No, Serena. I'm not mad. I'm glad you were honest with me. But a part of me will always be in love with you."_

"_I'm sorry Nate…" Serena said._

"_I'm not. You were honest with me. I just felt like you deserved the same." Nate replied. _

The air smelled of salt water. It needed only to look to up to see the Bosphorus but instead he looked down at his feet as he made his way up the steps. Every step brought back memories that he had long since suppressed. But he was drawing closer to the place where it all happened.

He could hear their voices again.

He could almost hear her words as he made his way towards his destination.

He lifted himself up onto the last step.

He looked up.

He froze.

He tried to move but he couldn't. It was like seeing an angel. It was always like seeing an angel. Seeing her. She approached him with the grace of something divine. Indeed he was so sure that she actually was. It was her, unmistakably but why was she here? Why were her golden locks glowing in the salty Turkish air? Why were her heels walking on Byzantine stones?

But the biggest question Dan kept thinking to himself…

How did she find me?

"You didn't think I actually believed you when you told me you were going to South Africa did you?" She said with a warmth in her tone.

"How?" Dan managed to ask in his speechless state.

"Blair told me." Serena answered his half question. "She told me about what happened inside the room the night of the shooting."

Serena stepped closer.

"She told me you weren't over it." Serena said. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Dan looked down and in these instances he always tried to make sure that his words came out perfectly.

"I thought…" He began. "I thought I was. But when finally, when you started to make an effort, and you forced yourself into dealing with everything that had happened in your past. I realized…"

Dan stopped.

Serena waited.

"It wasn't you." Dan finally said. "It was me. It was me the whole time. Whatever was happening to us. All that drama, all those fights… I kept… I kept blaming you, but I could never just tell you. Now I know why, because deep down I knew it wasn't your fault."

"Dan." Serena cut in.

"It was mine." Dan continued. "I never dealt with the guilt of losing Anthonio and Vicky. I never forgave Edmund. And it all came out… and I hurt you and made you think that it was all your fault. It wasn't, and I'm sorry."

"So, why couldn't you just tell me that?" Serena asked as she laid her hand on his cheek.

"Because I saw you and watched you better yourself. And I wanted to be better…" Dan answered.

"Why are you always so hard on yourself?" Serena asked.

"You ask me this…" Dan started to say. "As if I have an answer."

"You look at me, with those eyes, with that expression…" Serena said. "It's like you're looking into my soul, into a place that no one else can even find. And then you tell me you love me. I'm starting to begin to understand; that you'll never be able to see what I see in you."

"And what is it that you see in me?" Dan asked.

"A man, the most complete man I've ever known, the strongest man I've ever known. The one who risks his life so that others may be heard, the one who gives up everything in his life to save me, that one who steps into the line of fire simply because it is the right thing to do. And when that man tells me he loves me? What else can I do but try to love him back with a fraction of the love that he has for me." Serena announced to him.

Serena's hands traveled down and gently brushed against his.

"But I also know, that I'll never see in me what you seem to see in me." Serena continued. "And funny it seems, how sad it is. But it doesn't have to be."

She neared him and her voice became softer, as if to meld into the noise of the city so that when she speaks the whole city speaks with her.

"I love you." Serena said with her new found confidence. "And I finally know what that means."

Her fingers intertwined with his.

"I'll never know you completely." Serena whispered. "But I'm willing to spend a lifetime figuring it out."

She leaned in and gently kissed him.

"And whatever you need…" She whispered. "I'm right here. I'll always be… right here."

And as if to remind him, her hand clinched and tightened around his. Dan silently sighed in relief. Long has Serena leaned on him. It was time for her to be his rock, to be his comfort. They turned around to face the church of the emperors of old.

Here, he stood, in the presence of man and the divine, to confront his past, his guilt, his demons…

…with her by his side.

_End_


End file.
